We often forget that, if personal relationships are already complicated, sometimes the really difficult thing is to relate to oneself.

The fact is that feeling good about yourself is, for some people, a virtually unattainable goal, something that seems even more unlikely than learning the most complex skills. At the end of the day, while learning to play chess or completing a university course of studies is quite clear, the same is not true of the arduous task of repairing our self-esteem .

In this article we’ll look at a proposal of several steps to follow to feel better about yourself , with examples and directions.

Feeling better about yourself is possible

In the world of the human mind few things are immutable, and the seemingly more persistent feelings of contempt for oneself can disappear if we learn to see ourselves with different eyes.

To do this, you must change both your thought patterns and the way you relate to the environment and to others. This double action path, focused on beliefs and actions , is the basis of cognitive-behavioral therapies, and although not going through the psychologist’s office reduces the possibilities of success, it is still worth implementing these strategies on a daily basis.

1. Review your attribution style

People with self-esteem problems tend to attribute their achievements to luck or to others ; in short, to elements that are not part of one’s own merit. At the same time, they believe that most of the bad things that happen to them are their fault, even if the cause-effect relationship is not clear.

So, when asked “how do I feel better about myself” you should start by reflecting deeply on your style of attribution in cases where significant good or significant bad things happen to you. Ideally, you should do this as often as possible, but since you will probably lack the time and energy to apply it all the time, it is better to go to the practical side and do it in the most special cases . Over time, you will automatically lose the need to do this.

For example, if you are congratulated on a university project, it makes much more sense that this be on the basis of your merits than because the evaluator likes you (simply because most evaluators do their job). Similarly, it is very common for abused people to believe that these attacks are their fault, although this is obviously not the case.

2. Practice compassion

If you have trouble accepting yourself, you may be applying very rigid expectations to those beliefs about what you should be and are not . For example, there are millions of women who blame themselves for not looking like women who literally do not exist, because they are unrecognizable models after going through a layer of computer image editing programs.

So, just as you empathize with others, practice compassion with yourself, and accept that you need not be subject to tyrannical conditions of behavior. It is not obligatory to adapt perfectly to those ideals we have, simply to tend to them, if that is what we want. To do this, spend 5 minutes a day reflecting on whether your “ideal self” is reasonable or not , and whether you try to be too much like that person who only exists in your imagination.

3. Love your apparent imperfections

Reality is too complex to be divided into “good” and “bad”. Of course, there are situations in which it is clear that something is right and its opposite is wrong, but this does not always happen, because the world is not made to fit into such tightly defined categories of thought.

One of the consequences of this is that what we think are own imperfections do not have to be .

In fact, some people love those personal characteristics that others would be ashamed of. For example, the uninhibited nature of those who have no complexes but live in strongly conservative societies, or even the wrinkles, which in a context where discrimination against mature people is widespread, can be seen as a positive aesthetic value, being a sign of experience.

In the same way, there are manias and “very proper” traits that can be adorable or charismatic if we stop seeing them as failures in ourselves: obviously, if we are ashamed of them, it shows , and the rest of people will act as if those characteristics were indeed something bad.

4. Dedicate yourself to what you like

One of the most common reasons why people have difficulty accepting themselves is that they believe they are wasting their time. To avoid this, the solution is to reinvent themselves . Working to reach a situation where we can dedicate ourselves to what we love. If we do this, we can even be proud of the path we take to get to that bitch of life, even if we haven’t reached it yet.

Be action-oriented. Avoid tormenting yourself with negative thoughts, which in practice are only an excuse not to improve, and concentrate on directing your action to do things that you really feel will make you grow. Create reasons to feel proud of who you are, in your situation and with the means you have available.