I am writing this article as a tool for the abused person to identify the weapons that can be used by an abuser in order for the victim to forgive him/her and return to the relationship.

On many occasions, when the abuser commits the act of abuse, a series of behaviours occur that can be repeated over time and can be reproduced by passing from one individual to another.

When abusers manipulate their victims

I believe that it can be useful to provide this material to the victims of abuse, so that once the aggression has been committed they will be aware that this type of strategy can be used by their executioner; this way it will be easier to realize that in reality it is a modus operandi very common in the profile of abusers, and therefore will increase the possibilities of preventing these episodes and responding adequately to them .

1. Anger as an answer

Many times the abuser is the one who is offended and indignant when he is cornered and without arguments to support his defense, seeking with this attitude that it is the victim who ends up assuming responsibility for the acts and apologizing.

2. Make gas light

This strategy consists in making someone doubt his senses, his way of reasoning and even the reality of his actions . The person tries to make the victim doubt himself, presenting false data, denying reality with expressions like “I didn’t say that”, “that wasn’t how you are telling it” or “don’t you remember that you started it?

The abuser says that things happened that in reality have not happened with a firmness and security that is usually very credible, so the victim ends up wondering if what she has experienced has really been as she remembers it. Suddenly she finds herself thinking “maybe I’m exaggerating” or “maybe she’s right”, doubting the facts, her sanity and what she felt. It is a technique of manipulation that seeks in the other person the sensation of “I will be seeing things where there are none or I am a hysteric”. In the end, the victim’s will is annulled and the perception of her reality is distorted , sometimes to such an extent that it is even the victim herself who ends up asking for forgiveness. Thus, the person who abuses takes advantage of any situation of emotional instability of the abused person to show him/her his/her psychological vulnerability: “you see how you get about this nonsense”; “you are crazy” “you have to see a psychiatrist” etc.

Well, one of the answers to this technique can be to write down the details of what happened right after the aggression, which will serve to know how the conflict has been. This way the victim will have more reason to believe her version of events, even if the other person insists that things did not happen that way.

3. I did it because I love you

Using the concept of “love” as a weapon is also very common, and this is an attempt to convince the victim that the acts committed have been a consequence of the love felt for her. “I hit you because I was jealous”, “of course I love you so much that I can’t imagine my life without you”, “if I didn’t care so much I wouldn’t be like this”, etc.

Here we have to be very clear about “whoever loves you well will make you loved” and leave aside the ideas that jealousy, possession and control are signs of love.

If someone hits you, they don’t want you . If someone makes you feel inferior, they don’t love you. If someone abuses you, they don’t love you.

4. Making the victim responsible for the facts

Blaming is another of the most common strategies in the profile of an abuser after an aggression . Verbalizations such as: “you asked for it”, “you were provoking”, “if you know what I am like, why did you tell me that” are usually used so that the abused person ends up believing that he or she was the one who promoted the situation and that he or she deserved the consequences.

5. Emotional blackmail

This type of strategy consists of a manipulation in which the abuser threatens the victim with a series of catastrophic consequences that will occur if he does not do what he wants. Messages such as “if you leave me, I will take my own life”, “if you don’t come back to me I won’t be responsible for my actions”, “without you I am nothing”, etc… usually refer to the victim’s weak points and serve to victimize him/her so that, in the end, the abused person feels sorry, sorry or afraid and forgives him/her, because if he/she doesn’t do it, he/she would feel guilty.

In order to act against emotional blackmail, we must be clear about what they are doing to us. I propose to make a list of all those threats that we believe can be used and memorize it, so that when they occur, we can be aware of the technique being used and be able to act.

6. Promises of change

Showing repentance and swearing and perjury that what has happened will not be repeated and that all possible means will be put in place to change it.

Here we must be clear that it is our actions that define us, not our words. There is no point in promising change when one behaviour is repeated over and over again.

Something very important in all these strategies is time . Not leaving time for them to convince us. If we are clear that the situation is unjustifiable, we have no obligation to wait for them to try to explain their reasons or motives. The more time we give them, the easier it is for our criteria to be weakened and for their arguments to gain strength, due to the power they have over us. Abuse does not usually happen overnight, so when it does happen, there is often a low self-esteem and lack of confidence in the victim, which the abuser will always use to his advantage. That is why it is important not to let them develop their manipulative techniques.