Have you ever wondered how you communicate with your partner? What words, tone, gestures, etc., do you use to tell her what you think or feel? At what point do you tell her one thing or another?

In this article we will talk about a very effective type of communication, which helps to build healthy relationships; it is assertive communication in the couple . We will know what it is, examples, advantages and techniques to improve it.

How do we communicate with our partner?

Communication within a couple’s relationship determines many other aspects of the relationship: their mutual well-being, type of relationship, degree of intimacy, type of cohabitation, degree of satisfaction, etc. In other words, it is a key factor for a relationship to be healthy, to work and to be maintained.

Through communication we express our wishes, opinions, ideas, things we like, things we don’t like so much, things we can’t stand or tolerate under any circumstances, etc. It is thanks to it that we will manage to create a solid and trusting relationship .

Many times it will not be easy, since we will have to reach agreements, negotiate, give in, etc. The important thing is that there is an empathy between the two members of the couple that allows them to strengthen their relationship.

Assertive communication in couples

Before explaining how we can promote an assertive communication in the couple, we are going to explain what assertiveness is and, therefore, assertive communication. Assertiveness is a way of expressing our ideas, thoughts, desires and feelings, defending our own rights while respecting the other person.

An example of assertiveness is telling our partner, “Even though I know you don’t mean well, I resent you being late for appointments. Can you try to change this?”

In other words, assertiveness implies being honest with what one wants without being gross or disrespectful . In a certain way, it is a middle point between aggressiveness and passivity. Many people summarize assertiveness as “the ability to say no”, although it is a slightly more complex element, and includes other aspects, as we have seen.

Thus, assertive communication is a type of communication where assertiveness is applied, through what we have explained. That is, implies expressing our thoughts and wishes taking into account our rights but also those of the other person . It is a way of speaking with respect, making suggestions or expressing opinions without disrespecting or being arrogant or rude.

In this way, when there is an assertive communication in the couple, both members of the couple are able to express themselves with total freedom, being aware of the needs of the other but without forgetting their own. Assertive communication allows us to be ourselves and to respect each other.

Advantages

Some of the advantages of assertive communication in couples are:

1. Allows you to set limits

The first advantage of assertive communication in the couple is that it is a type of communication that allows us to mark certain limits within the couple; these limits can refer to aspects or behaviour that we do not like or do not tolerate, for example. Through assertiveness we can “negotiate” with our partner what we like and what we don’t like .

2. Allows to negotiate

As a result of the previous point, we also find the possibility of negotiating the things we need within the couple’s relationship. That is, we can express our needs, but also our desires, preferences, etc.

3. Empowerment of empathy

Promoting assertive communication in the couple has another advantage, and that is that you help to promote your partner’s empathy. Through assertive messages that you send her (in a polite way), she will be able to put herself in your place, imagining what you are feeling at that moment and why you are asking her for one thing or the other , for example.

4. Create a pleasant coexistence

If we are capable of telling our partner (and she us) what we think, in a respectful and polite way (in short, through assertive communication), we will be contributing to creating a climate of well-being and pleasant coexistence within the relationship.

To do this, it is good to use words like: please, thank you, thank you, you’re welcome, I’m sorry, etc. The important thing is that we can say the things we think without keeping them to ourselves , as long as they are things that can help improve the relationship.

Techniques to enhance your love life

How to improve assertive communication in the couple? Let’s see some techniques and tips to enhance or improve it:

1. Choose a time to say things

Not all topics should be dealt with at the same time of day, as some topics are more sensitive than others, and in addition, our partner’s mood can also condition our choice. Assertive communication in the couple is achieved by taking this and other aspects into account.
That is why it is important, besides learning to say the things we think, to choose the right moment to do it. This doesn’t mean that sometimes it can’t happen that we have to say things quickly or in moments of urgency .

But whenever we can we should pay attention to how our partner is doing at that moment, if that comment will especially bother him, etc. In other words, we must say what we think but adjust to the context.

2. Use the right words

In addition to choosing the best time to say certain things or bring up certain issues, it is also important to choose which words we use to say them. This will improve our assertive communication in the couple. A good idea is to use words or expressions that are not absolute or categorical.

Also, we can use kind and grateful expressions, which promote closeness ; for example "thank you for the suggestion, but I don’t think the same as you", or "excuse me if what I’m about to say bothers you, but…", etc.

3. Be honest

Assertiveness is based on sincerity. That is why there is no point in embellishing reality, making it up, exaggerating it or even lying about it, because in the end everything ends up being known , and discovering a lie from your partner is a long way from assertive communication. In other words, as we have seen, assertiveness is based above all on saying what one thinks, and the basis of this is sincerity.

4. Use appropriate non-verbal language

Another important element when it comes to transmitting what we think is the non-verbal language we use to do so (this includes gestures, posture, tone of voice…). For example, it is not the same to use an affable tone as to use an aggressive, imperative, hard, soft, close tone, etc.
Thus, non-verbal language is as important as verbal language, which is why effective and assertive communication will be based on conveying coherent messages (i.e., coincidences) in both verbal and non-verbal forms.

Specifically, the tone in which we say things has a great influence on how the other person receives the information. On the other hand, the gestures that accompany the message must also be appropriate, as well as the posture and distance between the other person (use of personal space).

Bibliographic references:

  • Castanyer, O. (2019). (5th Ed.) Applications of assertiveness. Editorial Desclée De Brouwer, Bilbao.
  • Gaeta, L. and Galvanovskis, A. (2009). Assertiveness: a theoretical-empirical analysis. Teaching and research in psychology, 14(2): 403-425.
  • Torroella, G. (2002). Learning to live together. Ciudad de la Habana, Cuba: Editorial pueblo y educación.