Psychological consultations are attended on a daily basis by a lot of people who have a common problem: emotional dependence .

This picture can be observed when the person who suffers it remains in a state of extreme filiation towards his or her sentimental partner, because there is a great need to maintain the emotional bond and affection.

Emotional dependence: what is it?

As occurs with other dependencies, such as addiction to the consumption of toxic substances, emotional dependence operates through mechanisms of positive reinforcement , which ends up generating psychological dependence in the subject. Emotional dependence affects women and men equally.

However, men often hide this problem because they feel less able to recognize that they are ’emotionally attached’ to another person. Because of the shame of expressing the problem, some men have more severe dependency patterns.

Who suffers from emotional dependence?

Although many times this situation may be transitory, the most common thing is that the pattern of emotional dependence in the subject is observed throughout his life and with the different partners he has . This sentimental dependency does not refer to material motives (such as an economic type of dependency), but refers to the need for love and emotional bonding . People who suffer it are very afraid of being alone and cannot conceive of their life if it is not with a sentimental partner.

It is significant that many of the people who are emotionally dependent look for partners with a dominant character, with a psychological profile that tends towards selfishness and narcissism, possessive, authoritarian and despotic. In some cases, the emotional dependent refers to having suffered some kind of physical or psychological abuse from his/her partner, which is not strange considering the profile we have mentioned. The dependent person tends to idealize his/her spouse, living in a certain submission towards him/her.

The person concerned is able to recognise the abuse and contempt he or she suffers on a daily basis, but does not have the capacity to stop being ‘hooked’ on his or her partner. They ask for forgiveness even for things they have not done, in order to be tender and submissive to their partner; to win their approval and love. You can also spend a lot of money on gifts and in general you will maintain an attitude of attention and gestures with which to keep your partner happy and satisfied at all times.

Emotional dependence: finding its causes

Normally, the root of the problem of dependency lies in poor self-esteem, which leads the emotional dependent to systematically devalue himself. They are critical of themselves and their way of being, to the point of feeling inferior and guilty, even, of the contempt they may receive from their emotional partners. The situation becomes even more untenable with the passage of time, in which the course of the relationship exacerbates the subordinate relationship of the emotional dependent with respect to his/her partner, who exercises a dominant role .

In this way, the dominant person’s contempt for the emotional dependent increases, pushing his or her subordination to the extreme. It is also common to observe that this type of relationship ends up being broken in a short time, but that does not solve the problem. The dependent will try to come back one and a thousand times with his former partner , in the same way that the drug addict manages to obtain the substance and use it again. This dynamic leads to a situation of vicious circle, since the contempt of the dominant increases, as well as diminishes the self-esteem and dignity of the emotional dependent. The person who suffers from this type of emotional dependence needs to remain in contact with his or her partner, and if the bond is completely broken, a kind of emotional abstinence syndrome arises.

Breaking up with friends and family

In these cases, angry confrontations with friends and family may occur . The emotional dependent realises that those close to him/her are trying to advise him/her that his/her psychological situation in the face of the relationship is not the most adequate, but he/she insists on defending his/her relationship. Although the relatives see closely that the suffering caused by this pathological relationship does not cease, the dependent usually confronts them and will defend the situation , even demanding from his/her relatives special treatment for the other person .

The comorbidity of emotional dependence is associated with anxious or depressive pictures, apart from the lack of self-esteem that we have already mentioned, which is increased when we become aware that is dragging to recover the love of someone who not only does not love him but also despises and mistreats him.

In this picture, it is very common to observe that the dependent person firmly believes that his or her partner is superior and therefore deserves that all his or her environment recognize this and show him or her praise and respect. This can lead to a breakdown of the relationship with friends and family, which causes their emotional dependence to be reinforced since they will only find support in their partner. As we can see, this is another dynamic in which you enter a vicious circle.

Pathological altruism

The affected person may go so far as to abandon his or her own work responsibilities in order to have the time necessary to meet the needs of the spouse. The family, work, social and psychological impairment of the emotional dependent may reach worrying limits .

If the dependent has children, it is common for his children to have dismissive behaviours and attitudes towards him. They learn to despise someone who shows no authority or dignity. There are also signs of deterioration in the children’s relationship with the authoritarian parent, since he tends to be a selfish and despotic person who does not express much love or concern for his children.

Psychotherapy: addressing the problem of emotional dependence

It is essential to quickly start psychological therapy in order to achieve emotional detachment from the partner. Not doing so and continuing in negative dynamics can have dire consequences, since it is not uncommon for contempt to turn into psychological abuse and even physical abuse in the end. To avoid entering into the increasingly dangerous dynamics, it is important to start psychological treatment early, although this is difficult to achieve in practice.

As in the case of different addictions, the first step is for the affected person to be able to recognise that he or she has a problem and decide to look for a way to solve it. This point is very difficult: the addict will manage to find multiple excuses and justifications for his behaviour. They are usually of the type: “You don’t know him/her well”, “He/she loves me a lot”, “Nobody is perfect”, “It’s my fault too”… It is practically impossible to make a therapy work that hasn’t been required by the affected person, and as it happens with other addictions, it will be necessary to make a absolute break with the partner.

Do you know anyone who is emotionally dependent?

The best advice you can give to someone whose family member or friend is an emotional dependent is as follows:

  • Never give in to the demand to maintain an exquisite treatment towards the dominant person.
  • You must remain at the side of the dependent person , but not be an accomplice to their unhealthy relationship.
  • You can talk to the person concerned and make them understand that they can count on you and the family.
  • If you finally decide to ask for help to break up the situation, it is necessary for you to welcome him and prevent any contact with the partner.
  • It’s also a good idea to accompany him to therapy. The psychologist will not only help to find the best path for the affected person, but also will provide some guidelines for family and friends to reverse the situation, as well as some advice for specific doubts.