How do you know when to end a relationship?
All relationships have ups and downs, which is healthy and normal. However, sometimes, after a tense situation or an argument, we are left wondering whether that relationship has a future or not.
The problem is that it is not so easy to know if our partner or marriage is in such a bad situation that the best thing would be to end it once and for all.
For this reason many people wonder how to know when to end a relationship , given that deciding to end it for something that, in reality, is not so serious, can be a big mistake, while not deciding to end it when you are in a relationship that simply does not offer you anything, is not a plan either.
In this article we will see clues that indicate that, perhaps, our relationship has already reached a point where it is necessary to end it .
How do you know when to end a relationship?
Ending a relationship is a very serious thing. You can’t take it lightly, or expect that if you’ve made a mistake in breaking up, in the future the relationship will be restored as if nothing had happened. That is why it is necessary to reflect in depth on the state of the relationship, if it is really necessary to cut it off or if there is an alternative that benefits both.
Next, we will see questions we should ask ourselves and clues we can see that indicate that the time has come to end the relationship.
1. Is this the relationship I want?
Although life is not always rosy, we should be clear that dating should offer us some kind of emotional benefit . When we go out with someone we should do it because we want to, because we like being with him or her.
If we want something else, if we want the relationship to take another course, or if we just don’t feel comfortable, that could indicate that we’re not dating the right person.
Continuing a dead relationship is something that will not help either of us . We should stop thinking “if I leave her she will suffer” or “she is having a very bad time and I don’t want to bring her down anymore”. Continuing with this will make you feel even more unhappy. It’s time to take action and get it over with.
2. What do I gain and what do I lose by continuing or breaking?
Many times, despite the fact that it is clear to us that the relationship is dying, we try to keep it alive, like someone who continues to water the plants that are more than dry. The plants are dead, like the relationship.
Breaking up with a person is not a happy thing. It is a sad event for both of us, but necessary if, by continuing the relationship, we lose our freedom and emotional well-being. The fear of what we might lose is an emotion that paralyzes us, but if we think carefully about what we gain from ending the relationship we might be motivated to take the first step .
3. Can the relationship be saved?
You should not break up the relationship without first thinking deeply about whether you still have some kind of solution. Maybe there are communication problems or misunderstandings that have been growing like a snowball and now we are in front of a glacier.
But the snow and ice is melting. Talking about the problems, what was not understood or what was misunderstood can start the recovery process of the couple. However, if the other person doesn’t want to and there is no way to treat it, a good option is to go to couples therapy so that the professional can offer you guidelines and strategies to solve your relationship.
If none of this works, or the other just doesn’t want to talk about the problem, it’s best for both of us, especially you, to end the relationship.
4. Is there anything I can’t accept from my partner?
No one is perfect, and we can all change, for better or worse. There are many things about our partner that we don’t have to like, and we’d like him to make the effort to be a better person.
However, if we are constantly thinking that she or he should change for us , it may indicate that we don’t like the person we are intimate with. It may also be that she or he wants us to change.
Trying to make our partner better, or having her try to change us, is healthy, as long as it is not approached with emotional blackmail or trying to change something that is part of her or our personality.
If we love that person, or he loves us, it is very healthy to accept his strengths and weaknesses , as long as the latter do not harm the health of both.
5. You are embarrassed to go out in pairs
This indicator is very clear. If when you meet your friends you are very embarrassed that they know your partner, or you simply don’t feel interested or happy that they know you, this means that you don’t feel comfortable going out with that person, as long as there is no social pressure against that relationship being maintained (for example, in religious fundamentalist families).
As a rule, everyone is excited that their best friends know the person they’ve been intimate with for the past few months. Everyone wants to know what their friends think about their new partner, and how they see them going out together .
Certainly, there are people who are more shy than others, and we may not see our partner as being very in tune with how our friends are, but from there to not wanting to introduce her out of embarrassment there is a lot of difference.
If we go out with someone we like, we shouldn’t leave her hidden from our family circle or friends like someone who buys a piece of clothing and keeps it in the closet because he thinks it’s not the right time.
6. You feel that it is your partner who is ashamed of you
The opposite may be true: it is your partner who does not want to introduce you to his or her friends and family. Although it is true that he may think that you will not feel comfortable with his friends, another reason is that considers you a person who should not be introduced to society , either because he does not see you as a serious relationship or because he is ashamed of you.
Each person is worth his or her own, and the last thing you should allow is for a person you’re supposed to be dating to feel like they shouldn’t be introduced to each other.
If he or she feels that you should not meet his or her friends, that can be understood as not wanting you to be part of their world. This is a very clear indication that the best thing to do is to get out of his or her life, since has given us signs that he or she does not want us to be in his or her world .
7. You are in a manipulative relationship
If there’s tampering, run away. Manipulation, emotional blackmail, control… all these actions are not healthy at all. They are not appropriate dynamics for living happily as a couple .
It is not easy to end this kind of relationship, and you should never trust that being alone with you will break it easily. It is highly recommended to rely on a friend to be present, or to do so from a distance if you think there may be a violent reaction.
8. No respect
It is normal for a couple to have some criticism, but there should never be any humiliation or abusive criticism.
If your partner tells you something you don’t want to hear, but does so with the intention of making you a better person and tells you so out of respect, that’s fine. On the other hand, if he uses sarcastic and acid comments, or simply treats you like dirt, it is clear that the relationship is not going well and that your mental health is at risk .
9. Only you seek moments of intimacy
Intimacy, expressed in bed or on the sofa with caresses, kisses, pampering and, of course, sex, is one of the pillars of every relationship. Sometimes it happens that she or he doesn’t want to, something that should be respected because this is a matter of two, you shouldn’t force someone to do what they don’t want to do.
However, it may be happening that you are the only one who proposes moments of intimacy, while your partner always rejects them, making excuses that you don’t believe.
You shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it, and ask him what is happening to him , if everything is going well or if he feels uneasy about something. If there is a problem, it has to be dealt with, and if she doesn’t want to, perhaps this relationship is doomed to failure.
10. You are pressured to have intimate moments
On the other hand, it might be you who doesn’t feel like it, although not necessarily always. There are times when we want sex and other times when we don’t, and nobody should force us when we don’t want it .
If they try to force us, be it a man or a woman, they are committing a serious violation of our sexual freedom, however non-violent it may seem. It’s not no, even within the couple.
11. Your acquaintances have warned you about dating
Although you shouldn’t end a relationship because others don’t like it, the fact that your family, friends, and even some not-so-neighborly acquaintances have warned you that your relationship doesn’t look good is an indicator.
If they have specific reasons or have seen something that seems to them to be a good enough reason to leave the relationship, we should try to see if this is really the case, or if they are right and think about our good .
12. You don’t see a future
If you’re a teenager and dating, it’s clear that talking about a future together is a bit of a rush. At this age, talking about getting married, having children, and finding a home are all too adult thoughts.
However, if you are an adult and have had a partner for several years, it is inevitable that these thoughts will come to your mind and, sooner or later, they will be discussed. Not that all couples should get married and have children, but of course a future together is something that should have been considered , because if not, what is the point of continuing the relationship if you don’t believe it will last?
13. There are serious problems
Your partner abuses you physically or verbally, has cheated on you or you have cheated on him/her, gives you ultimatums that are not met, exploits you financially, separates you from your friends or family…
All these problems are serious and are a very clear sign that this relationship is dangerous . In these cases you should talk to a lawyer, the police, a therapist and your family so that they are aware of the situation and avoid, by all possible means, something even worse happening.
14. Too many ups and downs
As we were saying, it’s normal for relationships to have ups and downs. There are moments of great happiness and others where there is tension, but they end up being resolved.
The problem is when the relationship is good and bad every day, i.e. there are too many moments of tension which are then apparently calmed down by a lot of joy . Something is not working.
A relationship should be a source of security and well-being, not an ongoing feeling of instability. Why do we want a boyfriend or girlfriend if it doesn’t give us peace of mind?
15. You have separated
Many people, when they start a relationship, feel a deep love and are unable to spend time away from each other. This ends up, over time, being less intense, but there is still a lot of love and desire to spend time together.
However, sometimes it happens that the two lovers start to distance themselves without realizing it , spending time together very occasionally, despite being a couple. This is an indicator that the relationship is getting cold.
If the only thing you have in common is that you share a story, instead of spending time together or making an effort to spend an hour a day with each other, something is not right.
It may be that the relationship has evolved from a love affair to a friendship with rights, and while that is not a bad thing, it does indicate that love is a little dead. You should talk about it and see if it enhances your affection or if you become just friends.
Bibliographic references:
- Biscotti, O. (2006). Couple’s therapy: a systemic view. Buenos Aires: Lumen.
- Christensen A., Atkins D.C., Baucom B., Yi J. (2010). “Marital status and satisfaction five years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 78 (2): pp. 225 – 235.