How do you get out of a relationship that doesn’t work? While most of us will have had to deal with such a situation, it is not an easy task.

Because relationships are complicated in themselves, and often put us in situations that require us to make decisions, sometimes very painful.

In this article you will find several guidelines on how to get out of a relationship that doesn’t work , which are not intended to be a guide for all cases, but rather a small support to go to if we are forced to face a situation like this.

How to get out of a relationship that doesn’t work

Through these 7 guidelines that we propose in relation to how to get out of a relationship that does not work, we will reflect on the different phases in which we are likely to transition from doubting our relationship, until we decide to end it and face the much feared process of mourning.

1. Think about what you want

Before you figure out how to get out of a relationship that doesn’t work, it’s a good idea to be more or less sure about this decision. Although it is true that most times, when we leave someone, we are not 100% sure, many times what we are clear about is that we don’t want to go on like this . So, before you decide anything, think about what you want in your life.

To do this, do this little exercise; visualize yourself in a few years… do you see yourself with that person? Is that really the future you want? These questions are not easy to answer, but that is why we must try to think about what we want, without letting fear of loneliness or dependence influence our decision.

2. Analyze your current situation

To get to know exactly what we want in our life (or something that comes close to it…), we must analyze our current situation, in this case, with our partner. Are we happy with her?

Or, on the contrary, do we always live waiting for something to change? It is normal to go through stages of doubt in any area of our life, not just with our partner. However, when these doubts block us and extend over time, this is no longer so.

Think of it this way: something is wrong if you think more about what you lack than what you have… could it be that what you have doesn’t really make you happy? You should not be afraid to face this feeling, as it is a legitimate feeling.

On the other hand, if after analyzing the current situation with your partner (how you feel with her, what you miss, if you are really happy, if the relationship compensates you or if you suffer more than you enjoy, etc.), you realize that something has been wrong for too long (something that perhaps you have already tried to solve, without success), it is time to act.

And that, as Albert Einstein said… “If you’re looking for different results, don’t always do the same thing.”

3. Make a decision

If after going through the previous step, you realize that the current situation with your partner is not really what you want, at this point you can take two directions: stay in the relationship and fight for something that deep down you know is not working, or end the relationship.

The second option is probably the most difficult to take, but also the most liberating, in case you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t really make you happy.

4. Be firm in your decision

Well, you have made the decision to end the relationship, but now it’s time for the hardest part… keeping it .

In this step on how to get out of a relationship that doesn’t work, we propose that you be firm in your decision, especially in the first moments, when everything is more recent and when you are probably more emotionally vulnerable.

What if I made a mistake?

If after the first few days (or weeks, it all depends on the person…) you are not clear about choosing the path that made you happy, rethink your decision. Do you regret having ended the relationship?

Don’t push yourself or blame yourself for it ; as imperfect beings that we are (thank God!) we make mistakes, and it’s never too late to rectify them. Change direction if you feel like it.

5. Take Back Your Life

How do you get out of a relationship that doesn’t work? Start by getting your life back on track. If you have already gone through the previous point, and you have realized that you really made the right decision, it is time to take back the reins of your life .

Breakups are often painful, whether we leave or they leave us, so first of all you have to assume that the pain will be there (at least at first), and that you have to deal with it.

We do not have to hide it or repress it… we are hurt, but it is time to continue . So, try to get back to your routine and your life, focus on it but also look for activities that motivate you and that “take” a little bit out of your day-to-day life, meet up with your friends…

The aim is not to avoid pain, or not to face it, but to keep you active so that you gradually regain a certain feeling of calm and normality.

6. Be flexible with yourself

The sixth step (or guideline) on how to get out of a relationship that doesn’t work is this: be flexible with yourself. This means that you don’t have to blame yourself for what happened; just assume that this is how things went.

Being flexible also implies giving yourself moments to unload that sadness, those nerves or that anxiety … That is, giving yourself “permission” to be bad, to be good when you start to get back on your feet, to have moments of weakness… It is likely that, at certain moments, your doubts will return: “Did I do the right thing?

It is normal that from time to time these feelings appear, but think that what you decided is there for a reason, that it is there, and that there are no right or wrong decisions, only people who, trying to be happy, try, succeed, make mistakes, regret, fight…

7. Take care and listen to yourself

Continuing with the stages of the break-up, if you find yourself at this point, another useful tip is to take care of yourself and pamper yourself, and to give yourself spaces and moments for self-reinforcement .

We’ve all been through a break-up (and if not, we will someday), and although it can be a really hard and complicated time, the road becomes more enjoyable if we take care of ourselves, do things we like, eat and sleep well, do some sport, talk to family and friends about what’s going on with us…

Besides, taking care of ourselves also means listening to ourselves; listening to both our body and our state of mind (and often they are linked): what do we really want? Are we resting enough? Are we giving ourselves the love we deserve?

Anything that is betting on our well-being, both physical and mental, will involve small steps towards our recovery and healing. Let’s not forget that everything that starts, ends, and therefore it is important to enjoy the present without missing the past too much or projecting too much into the future, since the only thing that exists is today. As the sociologist and philosopher Zygmunt Bauman said: “While it is alive, love is always on the verge of defeat.”

Bibliographic references:

  • Cáceres, C., Manhey, C. and Vidal, C. (2009). Separation, loss and mourning of the couple: Essential reflections for a divorce therapy. Of families and therapy, 27: 41-60.
  • García, F.E. and Ilabaca, D. 82013). Relationship breakdown, coping and psychological well-being in young adults. Ajayu Scientific Dissemination Body, 11(2): 42-60.

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  • Ramírez, R.P. (2014). Duel for abandonment of a couple. Mexican Association of Thanatology.