Throughout our lives we have all experienced one or more courtships that, unfortunately, do not always end well. And all of us who have experienced a break-up know how difficult it is to let go of a person we love.

The lack of love can affect us so deeply that we can suffer an existential crisis, in which we question our own values and which can last months or even years. It is not easy to leave behind the person we have come to love so intensely and with whom we thought we would share the rest of our lives.

After a breakup many people decide to move on with their lives and others try to get back together with their ex. If you are in this situation and you choose the second option, you should be clear that trying to get back together with your ex should never be for fear of being alone , for emotional dependence or low self-esteem, and it should always happen and when we are fine with ourselves.

After the breakup: to return or not to return to our ex?

Separating from that someone special to us means going through a process of mourning , so we must overcome several phases before regaining emotional stability again. When we lose our lover, we also lose the common objectives that united us and we leave behind many memories, some of which continue to make an appearance in our minds again and again after the person has left our life.

The breakup of a couple usually comes in the form of a sledgehammer to us, especially if they have left us. And in the first days after the breakup, denial or withdrawal are common. Over time, we can accept the situation and move on with our lives, but it doesn’t happen overnight.

Leavers can have an easier time getting over a breakup, because they usually start the grieving process before leaving the relationship, although they also suffer and may experience guilt at some point in the process of falling out of love. However, they usually have a reason to end the relationship, and although there are cases in which the person who leaves regrets doing so, they are usually aware that something is wrong with their relationship or marriage.

But… is a breakup an end forever? Even though a break-up can make you think that everything is over and that everything is lost, this is not true! Some couples experience love again after they have separated.

And why is this happening? For many reasons. For example, because human beings are complex and sometimes we can end a relationship when there is still a feeling of love between two people, because of a simple argument that has been managed incorrectly or because in the distance we can value something that at the time we did not value.

Reasons for returning or not returning with the ex-couple

After a breakup, you may consider getting back together with your ex. However, you should know that this is not always possible and it is not always up to you. In addition, when assessing the possibility of getting back together with your ex , you should take into account a series of advantages and disadvantages of reliving the love you had with the person you consider special to you.

Benefits of getting back together with your ex

Some of the advantages of getting back together with your ex are:

  • You already know each other and there has already been an emotional connection between you. If at one time you valued positive aspects of yourself, when you re-establish a relationship with that person without conflict, that intense feeling called "love" may arise again.
  • Second chances can work out well if we learn from the past.
  • If you learn from your mistakes , it can be a much more mature relationship.
  • After a breakup, the bond can be stronger as you realize how much you love each other.
  • It can benefit your children, if you have any.
  • If there is a good connection again , you don’t get the feeling that you haven’t tried it again.

Disadvantages of returning to your ex

Getting back together with your ex also has its drawbacks. Here are some of them:

  • After leaving, the relationship may no longer be the same and the feeling that united you may be hidden behind resentment or disappointment. If respect is lost, then it is hard to get it back.
  • If you’ve tried several times, getting back together with your ex may be holding you back.
  • You close the door to meet someone new by not giving up this stage of your life.
  • The damage can be greater when you try to get back together with your ex over and over again. Sometimes it’s better to withdraw in time.
  • You may try to get back together with your ex because, even though you know it’s not good for you, you don’t have the strength to leave him.

How to get your ex back

Returning to your ex is a controversial issue, which should be assessed individually, depending on the characteristics of each relationship, and should only be a possibility when there is respect and the relationship between the two is equitable and healthy.

Sometimes relationships are terminated because of communication failures. This indicates that it is possible to recover that love or feeling that brought the couple together as long as the break-up has not been traumatic .

If you think the relationship with your ex was worth it and you don’t want that relationship to end. You can consider some of these keys to getting your ex back.

Be critical of yourself and the relationship

First of all, you need to be critical of the reasons for the breakup and whether you had anything to do with it. For example, if your partner complained that you were unloving and you think he is right, you can take that into account if he gives you a chance to remedy it.

On the occasions when you are at fault, you can try to make amends. However, if your ex does not want to be with you for some reason other than your own and tells you so explicitly (for example, she is with someone else), you should not try to get her back .

2. Coming back is not only up to you

When it comes to getting your ex back, you need to be clear that this situation is not just up to you. You can’t make someone love you if they want to be away from you, because if they don’t intend to return to you, you can jeopardize your dignity and increase the conflict between you.

If your ex signals you to come back, take that opportunity. But if she makes it clear she doesn’t want anything to do with you, don’t insist. In these cases it’s better to accept it and move on with your life .

3. Work on yourself

As you can see, whether you are loved or not depends on you, and whether a person finds you attractive or not. What does depend on you is working on your personal growth and maximizing your attractiveness. Maybe in time the other person will see that you have changed (if you should have). If the flame between you really lives on , you won’t have to do anything special to get back together with your ex, because he or she will want to reconnect with you because of who you are, because of the love that binds you together, because of how good he or she feels about you and because of what you bring to them.

Working on your personal growth will have a big impact on your self-esteem. If you want to know how to work on your personal growth, you can read our article: “Personal growth: how to transform your life in 6 steps”