Affective relationships are based on the fact of caring for another person , so feeling that we like someone so much that our attention is usually focused on them is natural.

However, sometimes that attraction goes beyond what can be considered positive for mental health. That is why many people ask themselves… how do I know if I have an obsession for someone?

Let’s see what the signs or symptoms are that an unhealthy emotional bond is developing that makes us dependent on the attention and love of another person.

How to tell if you have an obsession with someone

Obsession with a person manifests itself in many different ways, all of which are associated with cognitive (distorted thoughts and beliefs) and emotional symptoms. Let’s see what are those typical symptoms that arise on these occasions.

1. Everything reminds you of her

In falling in love it is normal that many of the things we see remind us of the person we love, but in cases where someone is obsessed with another person, these associations between stimulus and memory (usually images of the person we are attracted to) are more extravagant.

Because of this ease in establishing relationships between what we see and the image of the other person, practically everything reminds us of him or her, which makes our day-to-day life revolve around him or her .

2. The desire to always be close to her arises

Someone who is obsessed with another person does not necessarily seek to attract their attention, since this depends a lot on the type of personality they have and the level of self-esteem they have (someone who does not value himself will probably be afraid to expose his imperfections to the person he is attracted to).

However, what usually happens is that there is an intense desire to be close to her , sometimes even if she is not aware of it. This last situation can compromise the intimacy of the person who generates the attraction, by having someone who follows her closely both physically and virtually, through new technologies and specifically through the Internet.

In the most extreme cases where there is harassment, it may even be that the person being followed is considered to be in danger when they perceive that someone is interfering too much in their life or that they may even be physically attacked; regardless of whether this occurs or not, it is a drain on their quality of life that generates suffering from the very first moment.

3. Frustration

Usually, those who are obsessed with a person suffer because their expectations of being with that subject are not satisfied by reality. This is due to the fact that in most cases someone who has entered into this emotional dynamic demands a degree of involvement in the relationship that few people are willing to offer . Even in love relationships.

This makes him feel a certain level of anguish, not because the other person will agree to relate more to him in the future, but because of the present situation, which is perceived as a stage of stagnation.
On the one hand, all that matters is to be with that person; on the other hand, that “project” does not progress very far.

4. Moments to fantasize

As we have seen, obsession often leads to frustration. As a result, it is very common to fantasize about an alternative reality where everything is going much better and the relationship is progressing.

These fantasies are recurrent and not only arise just before falling asleep , but in many moments of free time when there is not much to do.

What to do?

So far we have seen the symptoms that indicate you may have an obsession with another person, but… what can be done about it? How to deal with this psychological phenomenon?

The first thing to bear in mind is that the other person’s decisions always prevail over their life, and therefore we cannot treat them as if they were someone without the ability to manage their own day-to-day life. If she has chosen not to get involved in a relationship as we would like, we have to accept that, and if that causes us a lot of discomfort, the best thing to do is to cut off contact completely.

On the other hand, in the cases in which having a certain contact with the person for whom we feel obsession is not a problem, it is necessary to know that a good part of these cases of obsession are usually due to an excess of idealization .

Analyzing the imperfections it presents (or that we could interpret as such in any other person) is useful, but, of course, one should not offend it by confronting it with these facts.

Bibliographic references:

  • Fehr, B., Russell, J. (1991). The Concept of Love Viewed From a Prototype Perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
  • Lewis, Thomas; Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2000). A General Theory of Love. Random House.