If the process of the love break-up is already complicated in itself and carries with it a strong emotional charge, meeting again with a former partner is no less so.
This is reflected in our relationships with those who were once our lovers, or even husbands and wives. Sometimes these bonds are very damaged and it is very complicated to have a normal relationship with the other person, but in others what happens is that we make the problem bigger than it really is, and that damages communication and feeds unnecessary dramas.
Not giving up the possibility of having at least one more conversation with that significant person when some time has passed since the breakup is important, because it helps us recover from the psychological pain generated by the breakup. Let’s see, then, how to talk to your ex after a while , regardless of whether you have a partner or not.
How to talk to your ex-partner without losing communication control
Something very significant about the extent to which the lack of love can affect us is the fact that many people prefer to cut off contact with their former partners completely once the relationship ends and, when by chance a chance encounter takes place on the street , they feel a great sense of unease.
However, in reality we need not fear the possibility of talking to a former partner; we should not take it for granted that these encounters should be traumatic. It is even possible that, after some time has passed since the breakup, in some cases a friendship will emerge. In the following lines, then, we will see several tips on how to talk to your ex without entering into dynamics that favour conflict or avoidable emotional wounds .
1. Find your main objective
In a situation where it is easy for so many emotions to surface, we may find ourselves lost, not knowing very well what to do. That is why we must try to find the specific objective we are pursuing when talking to our ex-partner.
Firstly, we must distinguish between chance meetings and relatively planned conversations.
In the first case we may have to decide on the fly, based on what we feel, what we want . In many cases we will only be guided by slight curiosity if there is no genuine interest in the stage of life that person is going through, and in this situation it is entirely correct to point out in a subtle way that we are not looking for a very long and deep conversation.
If the conversation has been scheduled, we will have more time to think about what we want. A hint: if our goal is to let off steam, it is advisable not to talk to the other person, because this can rekindle the discomfort of the time of the break-up. Whatever happens, the conversation should not be based on confrontation, although it does not have to be very close and friendly either.
2. Act according to what you have shared
For better or worse, a former partner knows a lot about us, and we know a lot about her, too. That is why it is out of place to express oneself with too rigid a formality , or with an attitude of absolute ignorance of what the other person is explaining to us.
3. Avoid assigning blame
Not being obsessed with assigning blame is a sign that the breakup has been overcome. This does not mean, of course, that it is not possible to detect a person responsible for certain problems in the past, but it does mean that the need to remind the other person of the existence of these faults is not so strong as to make the conversation revolve around it .
4. Consider why the relationship ended
Don’t forget those revealing experiences that were once related to the outcome of the breakup. It’s one thing not to reproach yourself, but it’s another to show that you didn’t learn anything during the relationship.
5. Don’t suggest plans without previous signs
If you want to normalize the relationship and turn it from non-existent to friendly, don’t start by proposing plans; wait and see if the other person expresses himself or herself in a friendly and open way, rather than in a distant and distrustful one.
If the first case occurs and you have maintained this attitude for several minutes during which more or less personal issues have been dealt with, you can try to propose a plan , but only if it has become clear that you do not want to return to an intimate bond like the one you had in the past.
However, if your ex-partner refuses, you should accept this as normal, since in this kind of context it is relatively normal and may be part of a decision that the other person has made a priori, before even talking to you, as a simple precaution.
- Giles, James (1994). “A theory of love and sexual desire”. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour. 24 (4): pp. 339 – 357.
- Lynn, Adele B. (2000). 50 activities to develop emotional intelligence. Madrid: Centro de Estudios Ramón Areces.