Normally, when we want to change the annoying behaviour of others we use punishment (hostility, bad manners…), but you must know that this is not the best way to get others to change.

Recently it has been shown that rewarding or reinforcing desired behaviours is much more effective than punishing those we want to eliminate . This is why it is advisable to be happy and to praise the other person every time that person behaves in a desired way (or even when he or she approaches it).

How to manage the irrational behavior of others?

But it is not enough to praise the other when the other approaches or achieves the desired behaviour, and .This technique is extinction, which consists of not responding to or paying attention to the other person’s irrational behaviour. Therefore, to try to reduce or increase any behaviour it is necessary to intercalate the reinforcement of desired behaviours and the use of extinction with the undesirable behaviours of the other person.

It may be effective for us to selectively attend to or ignore what the other person is communicating to us: for example, not to give any kind of response (not even non-verbal) to their unpleasant or offensive expressions of unfairness, and to respond with interest and kindness only to their reasonable or constructive expressions.

1. Disarming technique

When we interact with someone who is irrational, sometimes it is necessary to show an empathetic attitude, so we will follow some steps:

First step : Stop the tendency to get angry too: In those moments you should take care of what you say to yourself. Think that even if the other person is very irrational, he has the right to say something silly like the one you just said. And that this does not force you to get upset as well, but that you can choose what you think and what you do…(if necessary count up to a thousand to have a good disposition for dialogue).

Second step : Try to understand his point of view: Let him speak, listen to him and explain his point of view if he wishes. If you don’t understand well the content of what he is saying, keep asking questions but ask them empathetically, asking for details and asking him if you have understood him well. Asking questions and asking for details helps to avoid making the mistake of “guessing what the other person thinks” with the consequent risk of making a mistake.

Third step : Agreeing with the person as much as possible: In order to calm a very upset person, we should agree with him as much as possible: in everything, in part, in his right to see things this way, or in that it is logical for him to be irritated, given his perception of things.

Fourth step : When you are calm explain your point of view and try to find solutions to the problems. To be able to think of things to solve the problem you have created you have to be relaxed, then it is time to explain things as you see them (while still being empathetic to your opinions and feelings), and when there is a real problem, then you can help him and look for solutions to minimize the likelihood of this behaviour repeating itself in the future.

2. Ignore their anger

If you see the other person very angry and verbally aggressive with us it is good to state that “we will only talk to him/her when he/she calms down (or we calm down )”. . If the other person does not pay attention, we use the broken record, repeating it as many times as necessary, thus avoiding entering into a chain of aggression and violence, on the part of both.

3. Time out

The idea is to say to the other person “we’ll talk about it another time, when you’re (or we’re ) calmer” (with a calm and firm tone of voice and body language) and go somewhere else, until your anger or the other person’s is over and you can talk quietly.

4. Separate confusing topics

When our interlocutor tries to defend an irrational or manipulative attitude by mixing up questions that are not relevant and that can confuse us, it is useful to tell him that we do not want to mix things up . For example, if we are asked to do a job that we don’t want to do and they mix that request with the fact that we are not good friends, we can tell them that one thing is our friendship, which we can appreciate in many ways, and another thing is the fact that we do the job they ask us to do.

5. Write down what you want to say to him

This form has the following advantages:

  • We can order the arguments , review them so that they are clearly expressed and highlight the ideas you consider most important, without the other person being able to interrupt us.
  • The probability of ambiguities and misunderstandings (typical of non-verbal language) is reduced.
  • It helps us to avoid tense situations , when we think that the other person will react badly at first, but later he or she will reflect and listen to reason.

This type of writing has to have a positive tone, take the other person into account, be clear, and not too long.

6. Defend yourself strongly if necessary

To be assertive also means that we have to defend ourselves firmly against people who might hurt us . This can involve everything from moving away from them or setting limits on them to demanding that our rights are respected.

To be firm without being aggressive you must follow the maxim of defending yourself using “silk gloves and steel fists”, that is to say, defending yourself firmly from them, but without altering ourselves more than is convenient, without losing form and without showing more roughness than is necessary to achieve our objectives.

All these examples should follow the following maxim: “Nobody will respect my rights if I don’t do it myself”