There are stages of life that can be especially complicated, both for children and for parents. We talk especially about childhood and adolescence. What can we do if our child is always angry?

In this article you will find a series of guidelines to analyze this behavior and to be able to find effective solutions to improve both your well-being and that of the youngest members of the household.

“My child is always angry”: a common problem

First of all we must try to analyze carefully what exactly is happening to our child (not so much the cause, which we will see later, but rather the behavior itself).

Is he really angry? Many times, behind an anger or a tantrum hides some other kind of feeling or emotion . It may be that behind the anger there is really only sadness, feelings of guilt, or even depression.

In such cases, the basic problem should be addressed first, since it will facilitate a later approach to the most observable behavior (in this case, anger), that is, the behavior that our child manifests. Going to a professional who can guide us can also help.

On the other hand, besides understanding what behavior our child is showing (we repeat, whether it is really an anger or not), it is also important to carefully analyze the background and consequences of his behavior .

Why does it happen? Behavior Analysis

Many people don’t get past the “my child is always angry” stage. But it is important to go beyond this, we must ask ourselves: what precedes his or her anger? Are the situations/stimuli always the same? Or, on the other hand, do they change? Can it be that apparently “nothing happens”?

On the other hand, it will be essential to analyze in detail what manifestations our child shows (crying, rage, nervousness, behavioral disorders, anger, etc.), as well as the frequency in which these behaviors or states appear.

Finally, we must also look at the consequences that appear when our child gets angry: that is, do we pay attention to him? What kind of attention? Is there a punishment? Or is there understanding and empathy from the environment?

Vicious circles

It is important to note this because it can happen that a vicious circle is being entered, when for example the child shows “unjustified” or badly managed tantrums , and that his environment (for example the parents or the school) “reinforces” this behaviour by paying attention to him, without causing any change, thus perpetuating the problem and without really addressing it.

From behavioral psychology, this is understood from the mechanisms of negative reinforcement: it would be, for example, giving our child a lollipop when he wants one and gets angry so that we give it to him, and we do so; that is, we would take away that “annoyance” but at the same time we would reinforce that in the future such a situation would occur again.

Guidelines for action

Once we have a mental map of these factors that may be influencing and/or perpetuating the situation, we must try to understand why these angry behaviours appear so frequently in children .

How do we do it? Here are some brief guidelines that can help us:

1. Use empathy

Whether our child is a child or an adolescent, we must understand that he may be going through a more sensitive time, and that he has his own way of feeling, suffering and living things in his own way .

It is therefore important that we use empathy to try to put ourselves in their shoes. How can we do this? By applying active listening: look for quiet moments to talk to him and listen to his concerns .

It may be that he doesn’t want to tell us anything or that he just says there’s nothing wrong with him. We will have to be patient and investigate little by little (a good idea is to ask his teacher if he behaves the same way at school), and ultimately gain his trust so that he feels free to open up in case he needs help.

2. Apply techniques to reduce impulsivity

In the case that we have detected the situations in which our child tends to get angry, it is a good idea to apply some techniques that allow him to withdraw from such a situation, to avoid him reacting impulsively . Some of them may be:

  • Count to 10.
  • Withdraw from the situation to a quieter space.
  • Practice three deep breaths.
  • Repeat a few words to reassure you.

3. Pay no attention to “unjustified” anger

As we mentioned, sometimes (not always), children learn to get angry in order to get what they want .

This is a dysfunctional response that will end up generating many conflicts; that is why in situations where our child gets angry “for no reason”, or in a “disproportionate” way, it is recommended that we avoid giving him the attention he is looking for, and apply techniques such as extinction (stopping reinforcing a behavior that was maintained by reinforcement).

4. Understand

We all, adults and children, go through moments and stages where we are most irascible. Sometimes this is triggered by some particular situation, and other times may be influenced by other variables such as having a bad day, a particularly sensitive time, accumulated tiredness, occasional stress, etc.

That is why we must try to understand these behaviours within certain limits , without letting them evolve into persistent and dysfunctional anger.

5. Doing things together

Sometimes it is a good time to rethink whether we are spending quality time with our child, and in case these moments of connection and play have been neglected a little, start to retrieve them .

If, for example, we find out that our child is angry because he is actually sad (for example, because he got bad grades at school, or because he got angry with his friends) (obviously this will have to be investigated), we can consider dedicating more moments to him when he can escape from this feeling.

This does not mean that we should neglect the cause that originated the behaviors; that is, we should always look for moments to also address the issue that concerns you .

Some examples of activities that can be done together (depending on the age of the child) are: drawing, going to the park, riding a bike, doing crafts, watching movies, reading together, etc.

Bibliographic references:

  • Degwitz, M.V. (2018). What do you do if your child is always angry? Aleteia, Lifestyle.
  • Del Pilar, M. (2009). Music therapy intervention to promote prosociality and reduce the risk of aggression in primary and preschool children in Bogotá, Colombia. International Journal of Psychological Research, 2(2), 128-136.