Aggressiveness is a basic trait in many of the animals that populate the earth. Most commonly it is a range of acts motivated by fear and/or anger, but other realities may also be involved whose purpose connects with survival itself (such as sexual dominance, territoriality, etc.).

It is therefore a phenomenon that tends to be projected outwards and becomes very evident the moment it is expressed. It generates objective physical damage in others, or has a dissuasive intention with regard to situations that are interpreted in a hostile or dangerous manner (gestures, intentions, threats, etc.).

In the human being, however, aggressiveness can take much more subtle forms, which are not detected with the same speed and whose purpose is to provoke less evident (but equally severe) damage than that indicated up to this point.

In these cases we talk about passive-aggressive behaviour, a phenomenon that makes use of our skills and cognitive abilities to watch over hostile social acts whose consequences have a painful impact on our emotional life. In this article we will deal in detail with this interesting issue.

What is passive-aggressive behavior?

The passive-aggressive behavior was contemplated, some years ago, as part of a structured personality disorder with its own clinical entity. In spite of this, in the editions of the DSM subsequent to the third one, it was excluded to avoid the possible overdiagnosis that seemed to precipitate it. Since that time, and up to the present day, has been considered a trait that accompanies the personality psychopathologies of cluster B (especially the narcissistic, borderline and antisocial ones), despite the fact that they do not always appear together.

These are behaviours of a non-verbal nature, although sometimes they can also take on the weight of explicit words, or be pregnant with a sordid anger hidden behind the mask of their fragile fiction.

Thus, even silences can express a sharp edge, or become the weapon with which to rummage through emotional wounds. Anger rises as the most frequent internal state, although it is chosen not to reveal it to others, thus translating into a form of psychological abuse that severely damages those around and erodes the quality of the bond.

Passive-aggressive behavior does not aspire to the resolution of conflicts, but has as its objectives the ambiguous expression of emotions and the production of some silent offense . Nevertheless, it could only be considered truly pathological at the moment in which it was consolidated as the most common social dynamic in interpersonal relationships. Let us see, in more detail, what it consists of.

Most important characteristics of passive-aggressive behaviour

Below are some of the basic characteristics of passive-aggressive personalities. Not all individuals who display it will comply with all of them, but there is usually a pattern that combines them in a particular way for each case.

1. Passive resistance and ambiguity

It is common for the passive-aggressive attitude to be accompanied by what is known as passive resistance . In this case the person would show total agreement with what is suggested, and could even accept willingly such requests for help, but later on he would act as if he really opposed them. He or she may avoid the corresponding responsibility or proceed in a deliberately clumsy manner, so that the final result would become insufficient or counterproductive. In this way, he would show his disagreement with the original request made to him, but without communicating it openly.

This ambiguity has an intentional character and seeks to drag the other into an area where unpredictability or absolute lack of control reigns, extending an opaque veil over true intentions. That is why complaints about such a situation are subject to twisted replication, since the passive-aggressive subject resorts to the detachment of responsibility with excuses such as: “I tried with all my energy, but it could not be”.

2. Feeling of misunderstanding and lack of appreciation

People who often display passive-aggressive behavior often make constant claims that they feel misunderstood by others, or use all kinds of emotional blackmail to get the benefit they seek. Among them, it is common to accuse others of lack of affection, or to draw burdensome comparisons involving others, such as “you treat everyone but me well” or “why don’t you love me anymore”. With such an attitude, toxic and intentional, they intend to manipulate the affection of the interlocutor.

Those who are the object of these practices may end up feeling guilty for things for which they are not in the least responsible, which affects their own self-esteem (until they understand the true motivations of the other and relativize their effect).

3. Harshness

Hostility is a central feature of passive-aggressive people. It stands as a harsh, discourteous and insensitive attitude that unfolds when perceived to be upset during interactions with others. It is often triggered by criticism, and aims to create an uncomfortable atmosphere in which a “turn of events” is provoked that benefits them or reverses the burden of “accusations”. That is, it seeks to make others acknowledge that they have gone too far by conveying their discontent.

As you live with these people, and especially if the proximity began during childhood, the ability to interact assertively (exchanges through which you defend your own rights while respecting those of others) is likely to be reduced.

4. Disdain for authority

Passive-aggressive subjects have enormous difficulties in recognizing authority in other people , because it is very difficult for them to tolerate the imposition of rules different from those they choose for themselves and for others. This trait is aggravated during adolescence, an evolutionary stage in which there is often an oppositional response (reactance) to hierarchies and power, although in this case it is maintained with equal intensity when reaching adulthood. In this way, they do not distinguish well between respect for the rules by which life in common is governed and submission to oppression.

It is very common that this way of feeling and acting reports problems of very different types, ranging from maladjustment to the context of work or academic life to the risk of sanctions for disobedience to legitimate authority figures.

5. Envy

Envy is also a frequent feature for the case at hand, and interacts very closely with others described in this list. Although they may congratulate others on their achievements and be pleased to know them, they harbor a negative emotion as a result of their achievements (and in particular of not being able to own or consider them their own). Sometimes, they manage to minimize the relevance of such merits of others and to underline previous failures , or even the risks that in the future they may be diluted or become unsuccessful.

They may also accuse others that success has been due to external factors, beyond their effort and capacity. For example, they often emphasize the contribution of chance, luck, or the very demands of the task (“it was so easy”).

6. Complaints about bad luck

The pitiful/pessimistic tendency is common in people with a passive-aggressive attitude. An attitude characterized by self-concealment and the willingness to be pitied by others, for which they do not hesitate to proclaim any misfortune they have experienced as the root of what can be reproached. They tend to make others believe that their failures have been caused by external factors, such as fairies or fortune, and even blame others for boycotting their efforts to achieve what they have resisted.

Thus, rarely acknowledge their mistakes , although they do care about highlighting those of others. That is why they usually say that they are sincere people, even though they ignore (or degrade) everything good that their loved ones possess or do.

7. Swinging between defiance and repentance

Despite the fact that the attitude we are dealing with is often characterized by the expression of veiled violence, sometimes those who hold it relate in a quarrelsome and belligerent way (as if they enjoyed sailing in an environment clouded by conflict).

They often strive to engage those close to them in sterile wars, which they stir up without hesitation through harmful comments and the leaking of the secrets they are entrusted with (“I’m going to tell you something, but don’t say I mentioned it to you”). As time goes by, they are often considered as people to whom “nothing can be told” .

At the very moment when the tide of the conflict is turned, and those involved analyze why, they may end up allying themselves against the passive-aggressive person who motivated such a hostile situation. When asked for explanations, they most commonly respond by denying all the facts and generating alternative versions (which include lying). Finally, when they are placed in a scenario from which they no longer have a chance, they choose to beg for forgiveness and to promote feelings of pity.

8. Self-sabotage of work you don’t feel like doing

Something very common, intimately associated with the passive-aggressive feature, is the sabotage of all activities that respond to an external demand. In these cases, when something is demanded that in reality is not wanted, an attitude of hindrance appears that makes the demanding subject desperate . Oblivion, slowness, deficient collaboration and even procrastination; are deliberate responses that attempt to motivate a form of succinct aggression: hindrances in work/academic responsibilities, delays in shared projects, etc.

On other occasions, what the subject intends to do is to generate a prejudice that frees him from all responsibilities for the future, since he would no longer be trusted and could dedicate his time to the activities that interest him.

9. Protest that others make excessive demands and tend to overreact

In order to free themselves from responsibility, they sometimes go so far as to accuse others of demanding too many tasks, even to the point of overstretching their coping resources. For this reason they may refer that they feel “stressed” by the activities they have been entrusted with , despite the fact that there is no reasonable evidence for this complaint. When the reasons behind these refusals are examined in depth, they refer to a series of disjointed arguments, behind which lies the reality: to exercise a form of hidden aggression (depriving them of the help they need or stimulating dependency).

10. Obstruction of the efforts of others

In addition to not participating in efforts to achieve a common goal, passive-aggressive people can exercise violence by making it difficult for others to succeed in their own tasks.

All this could be done through direct (but subtle) “actions”, or through attacks on the emotional waterline (discouraging, sowing insecurities, increasing the demands of a task, promoting events that hinder the dedication of the necessary effort or time, etc.)

The aim of all this would be to avoid the success of others, to generate a veiled prejudice and even to stimulate an unhappy situation in the one who is the object of their latent aggression.

Bibliographic references:

  • Hopwood, C. and Wright, A. (2012). A Comparison of Passive-Aggressive and Negativistic Personality Disorders. Journal of personality assessment, 94(3), 296-303.
  • Kaplan, R. and Norton, D. (2005). The passive-aggressive organization. Harvard business review,83(10), 82-92.