“Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling”

-Woody Allen

Without doubt, sex is a source of positive stimuli, of self-knowledge , of pleasures of various kinds and an activity that by the release of dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin helps to increase well-being and self-esteem.

But there are times when sex becomes our enemy, a “task” that is related as a cause or a consequence to low self-esteem.

5 times when sex can lower your self-esteem:

1. Infidelity

The first case is the most talked about since monogamy has been practiced. From Sternberg’s perspective of the triangle of love based on intimacy/passion/commitment, it is understood that a couple that shares these three axes should not have deficiencies that make them look for emotions and sensations in another sexual couple.

Infidelity is a hidden action, outside the limits of a previous pact, an attack on the couple’s trust and of course, it generates feelings of guilt and in most cases anxiety and a lowering of self-esteem when you feel that you are betraying someone you love, so your idea of yourself gets worse when you don’t show positive attributes such as loyalty, empathy, sincerity and fidelity.

Did you know that introverts are more likely to be unfaithful

2. Sex to raise social self-esteem

Social recognition releases dopamine and endorphins, so a very powerful extrinsic motivation is to act so that people will identify you as a successful, successful individual, an alpha, and many people use sexual success as an immediate boost to their social self-esteem .

In this case there is also a “reification” of the sexual partner, since it becomes a simple number, a tool to be able to continue at the top of the social pyramid that values sexual success as a merit to be taken into account.

Although it is true that this assessment helps to improve self-esteem, it is a double-edged sword, since you are building self-esteem based on an external assessment and you will be generating a sexual and social identity dependent on this assessment. That is to say, it is more than self-esteem, ” other esteem ” so it is very unsound and makes us captive of the opinion of others, leaving aside our own sexual identity and being slaves of what people expect from us.

You know what? Self-esteem also has a sexual dimension and is defined as the security or confidence we have regarding sex .

3. Sex as a way to get love or attention

If in point two we talked about the individual who has sex to get the approval of the group, in this case we are talking about people with big lacks of affection and who by experience have learned that in many cases before, during or after sex they get that affection even if it is for a short period of time.

It usually occurs in cases where the self-esteem is very low in addition to having a small social circle or some low social skills to demand affection from their environment. So to get that affection, they exchange sex for a time of interest or affection.

This is one of the most difficult cases because the person has to learn to ask for affection from their environment when they need it, to be more assertive to make themselves respected and above all to love themselves more. It is precisely this profile that most often becomes a “number” within the list of those who use sex to increase their social self-esteem.

You know what? There are proven tricks to increase self-esteem considerably in one week.

4. Sex Addiction

Like all addictions , every time you fall into the behaviour you are addicted to there is a drop in self-esteem and a feeling of emptiness and guilt. In addition to a fact that is popularly unknown and is that the sex (or hypersexual) addict has such high sensitivity that the enjoyment is minimal.

In addition, this addiction falls into the category of behavioral addictions such as addiction to work, the Internet or hazardous sports, where the addiction is not to a substance itself but to the substances that are generated in the brain when performing the activity.

As with all addictions, there is a psychic dependence , an increase in tolerance and an abstinence syndrome. As a result, having sex as a compulsive activity completely loses its pleasurable side.

You know what? All behavioral addictions are related to a low level of self-control, not only behavioral but also emotional .

5. Sex to avoid problems

Another one that has to do with couples. All couples have conflicts . Without exception. Accepting this is a necessity in order to build a healthy relationship. Some of these conflicts are so complex that people find it totally impossible to solve them, even though the unresolved conflict can become a time bomb.

Well, many couples mistakenly learn that sex is an ideal patch to cover up that conflict and end the discussion with a sex session. As if that sex, however pleasant, meant that the conflict no longer existed. And, in the most behavioural way possible, they incorporate sex in a habitual way into their ritual of problem solving .

This has a negative influence in the medium and long term on our personal self-esteem, since the conflict that we do not know how to resolve will appear periodically in our life as a couple, becoming an element that can directly affect our self-concept.

You know what? In a very high percentage of cases, couples therapy focuses on helping couples to improve their communication .