Many times problems in relationships are spoken of as if they were rooted in the incompatibility of ideas, values and philosophies of life.

While this is partly true, it should not be forgotten that the reason for the existence of love bonds is not only found at this very abstract existential level, but also has to do with more everyday and material elements. The mosdo in which sexuality is lived as a couple is one of them.

In order to know this union between the sentimental and the sexual, we have spoken with Anna Isabel Gil Wittke and José María Carayol Martínez , psychologists and sexologists, members of the management team of Instituto de la Pareja, a therapy and training centre for therapists in the city of Murcia.

Interview with Anna Isabel Gil and José María Carayol: the philosophy of Instituto de la Pareja

Instituto de la Pareja is one of the reference centres for psychotherapy and sexology in the area of Murcia and Torrevieja, both cities having a presence there. Although in its facilities psychotherapy is performed for all types of patients, this entity specializes in couple therapy and sex therapy. That is why it also has its own 10-month Master’s degree: the Master’s degree in Sexology and Couple’s Therapy , one of the few in Spain that offers training in these two closely related areas of life: love life as a couple and sexuality.

On this occasion we interviewed Anna Isabel Gil, Director of the Instituto de la Pareja, and José María Carayol, psychologist, sexologist and teacher.

How are sexual problems and relationship problems often related?

Sexual problems sooner or later end up affecting the couple at one level or another, generating conflict, misunderstanding, estrangement, demands, reproaches and a host of fears and apprehensions that if not resolved or handled well, can lead the relationship to a point of maximum tension and even a break-up.

In the same way, relationship problems also affect sexual relationships by making them almost non-existent or by using sex as a way to cover up and resolve the conflicts they have. What happens in the sexual relationship affects the couple and what happens in the couple affects the sexual relationship, both of which are united in a special and significant way.

And as for the possible psychological causes of sexual dysfunctions, what are the most frequent?

We find several causes that can be at the origin of sexual problems, such as, education, learning, bad experiences, etc.

But what we constantly find is that, at the base of all sexual pathologies, what mediates is fear, dread and shame. Fear of pain, fear of failure, shame in undressing, that is, complexes, insecurities and a long etcetera… elements that are part of the most common causes of sexual dysfunctions.

Is it common for couples to maintain a certain taboo on sexual dysfunctions when these arise in any of the people involved? Is there often a lack of communication?

Sexual dysfunctions are often an open secret, both sides of the couple are aware that they have a problem, but rarely is the issue addressed with clarity and relaxation in order to seek a solution together. What is usually done is to let the matter go, not to talk out of embarrassment or fear of doing harm, or to interpret the situation in the wrong way and the couple distance themselves by cooling down the sexual relations and the couple.

On many occasions couples fall into a destructive loop in which they let time pass waiting for the problem to improve and, while waiting, they become desperate and end up exploiting the unresolved sexual situation. All this only makes the sexual dysfunction even worse.

Therefore, communication in these cases is critical, and growing in confidence to talk about our sexual intimacies and share our fears and frustrations is the first step to recovery.

The best way to address sexual dysfunction is to go to therapy together and receive the support and guidance needed to achieve effective resolution and return to a fuller and more satisfying sex life.

In the Master’s Degree, we talk about the components of love in couple’s relationships. What are the implications of these elements in psychological therapy applied to couples?

The components of love, intimacy, passion and commitment, are the fundamental ingredients with which the couple is built and grows, without them or with the lack of some of them, the couple will suffer that deficit and will limp for that leg.

Working in the intimacy of the couple is fundamental for the relationship to grow in friendship and complicity, knowing how to express emotions and connect with the other.

Passion becomes one of the important aspects of the couple, growing in the knowledge of the other and in their sexual desires and fantasies will help us to know how to enjoy each other more intensely.

Finally, the commitment and determination to continue fighting and advancing in the construction of love in spite of the bumps in the road and under the conditions that the couple has established and needs will be a fundamental part of the psychological treatment in the couple.

We know that in the development of a couple it is not enough to want to do things right; you have to know how to do it. That is why at the Instituto de la Pareja we work not to love each other more, but to do it better.

Finally… what kind of skills and abilities are those in which psychologists should invest more time and effort when training to give couples therapy?

The psychologist has to be prepared in two fundamental areas in order to be able to practice the clinic well. On the one hand, there is the whole area of training and academic skills that will give you the tools necessary to address the therapeutic cases with the greatest possible knowledge to treat them.

On the other hand, we find the therapeutic skills of the professionals that do not have to do with academics or training, but with behavioral skills and connection with the people who come to the practice. The ability to empathize, to listen properly, and to manage all the social skills that mediate between the psychologist and the patient are fundamental to the success of therapy. The knowledge of the therapist’s skills forms an inseparable team that will largely determine the future of the therapy.

These two skills have an absolutely practical space in our academic training, since, in the Instituto de la Pareja, we try to make all the training have a practical aspect, so the academic component is reflected in the therapeutic practice in such a way that the psychologist not only knows what to do but also how.