One of the main concerns that has traditionally invaded human beings as the social animal that they are, is the search for a person to take on the role of partner or sexual partner.

However, what mechanisms underlie the fact that we focus more on some people than on others? Why are we attracted to some people and not to others?

Some theorists of social psychology have defined a series of theories of attraction that try to explain what mechanisms or steps a person follows, unconsciously, when feeling any kind of attraction for another person.

What is attraction?

The physical or sexual attraction that people experience is defined as the ability to generate and attract the interest on a physical, sexual or emotional level of other people. Likewise, according to some authors attraction would refer exclusively to sexual or erotic interest.

Nevertheless, it has been proven that people can also feel a romantic attraction towards someone, , and it is not necessary that sexual and emotional attraction occur simultaneously, , that is, the existence of one does not necessarily imply the existence of the other.

Research in the field of psychology has revealed that there are a number of variables that influence whether a person is attracted to another person or not. The variables that influence attraction are:

Physical attractiveness

Regardless of the conceptions that each individual has about who is attractive and who is not, this point has a very important weight when it comes to feeling attraction towards a person.

2. Excitement

According to a series of investigations, contexts or situations that generate high emotional excitement create a perfect environment for generating passionate stimuli.

In this way, people who are involved, together, in situations or states of tension are more likely to be attracted to each other.

3. Proximity

This is one of the simplest and at the same time most important variables. The spatial proximity factor is what determines how many people we can meet , and therefore how many we can be intimate with.

However, in the Internet era, the so-called “virtual proximity” element is gaining more and more weight, making it possible for people to get to know each other without the need to be geographically close.

4. Reciprocity

Manifestations or displays of intimacy almost always produce more expressions of intimacy. This means that it is usually people who are attracted to other people who like them or at least think they like them.

Moreover, reciprocity is often important insofar as it allows us to get to know each other. In other words, people are often attracted to those who show themselves as they are. Likewise, when a person opens up to another person, feelings of attraction are usually generated as long as they are reciprocated.

5. Similarity

This factor can take different forms, such as similarities in age, education, economic status, hobbies , self-esteem, etc. The more similarities there are between two people, the more likely they are to be attracted to each other.

6. Obstacles

According to this factor, as in the case of Romeo and Juliet, love increases with obstacles. In many cases, the interferences that may arise end up intensifying the feelings for the other person even more, or making two people feel even closer by having a “common enemy” to fight.

This factor can occur to such an extent that couples create supposed external enemies to fight against together , however, it is necessary that these “enemies” are rather weak. Moreover, this constant search for interference to enhance the feelings of love may end up turning against the couple.

Theories of Attraction

Although they do not have to occur simultaneously, all of these factors and variables above need to be present to a greater or lesser extent for the attraction or even the infatuation to be triggered.

As a result, a series of theories of interpersonal attraction have been developed that explain how various feelings of attraction arise in people.

1. The “hard-to-get” theory

This theory is related to the factor of obstacles in the relationship. Its main idea is that people are attracted by what they cannot achieve or that, at least, there are a great number of difficulties in doing so.

This observation can also be attributed to interpersonal relationships, in which both men and women are attracted to those they perceive as “hard to get”. However, this theory specifies that the attraction is not to people who are perceived as hard to get for others, but relatively affordable for oneself.

In psychology, this fact is explained by the theory of reactance , according to which many people desire that which is impossible or complicated for them to achieve. These individuals feel that their freedom of choice is being undermined or they oppose the restriction of their freedom.

On the other hand, this assumption also explains that a person who has never felt any interest in a third party that he has always perceived as attainable or available, begins to desire it the moment it ceases to be so.

2. Theory of similarity

As described above, the similarity factor is a very important element in being attracted to someone.

According to this hypothesis, people tend to choose as partners those with whom they feel comforted, and possibly the most comforting characteristic of a potential love partner is that it looks as much like oneself as possible , at least in some fundamental factors.

3. Theory of complementarity

Related to the previous theory, some researchers propose that people do not choose their partners because of similarity, but because of complementarity.

This means that potential partners are chosen because they are complementary to the person. That is, they have a series of skills or stand out in aspects where the person himself or herself does not . For example, if a person describes herself as talkative, it is very likely that she will end up focusing her attention on someone who knows how to listen.

4. Sequential filtering theory

This theory combines the previous two. According to this theoretical model, at first the person looks for the other to be similar to him or her in certain basic aspects such as age, education, social class, etc.

In the case that the relationship prospers, and the other begins to be seen as a potential romantic partner, the similarity of personal values begins to be emphasized and, finally, in a third stage, the complementary aspects come into play.

5. Stimulus-value-rol theory

In relation to the approaches that this theory proposes, for two people to feel a mutual attraction it is necessary, first of all, that they correspond to each other at a basic level, this level is formed by age, physical aspect, economic position, first impressions, etc.

After the union, the person begins to give more importance to the values of the other , having the relationship more possibilities of success if at a deeper level people share their personal values.

In the last stage of the process of attraction and falling in love, potential partners are discarded as long as the role issues are not compatible . Two people may have very close values, but eventually discover that their role expectations as a couple do not match.

6. Theory of dyadic formation

This last theory proposes that for a relationship to develop positively a series of stages must be completed, otherwise, sooner or later, the relationship will break down. These stages or processes are:

  • Perception of similarities
  • Good relationship
  • Fluid communication through mutual opening
  • Affable roles for each separately
  • Affable roles within the couple
  • Dyadic crystallization: consists of the creation of an identity as a couple and the determination of the level of commitment.

All these theories come mainly from social psychology. However, there is a group of theories called Practical Theories which are the result of the professional experiences of professional psychotherapists, including Sigmund Freud, Abraham Maslow or Erich Fromm.