Love and dependence are not synonymous , far from it. The world of emotions and human relationships may be confusing and difficult to investigate, but the truth is that these two elements have many differences that allow us to discriminate between them. Fortunately, the consequences of confusing them can be very negative.

Unfortunately, myths about affection and about relationships make it difficult for everyone to understand the differences between emotional dependence and love . Many times, the simple fact of believing in a stereotype about how the perfect love relationship should be, makes us feel as typecast as the concepts we use to think about affection and bonds.

Distinguishing between dependency and love

Loving and depending are not, and cannot be, the same thing. That is why there are numerous differences between love and emotional dependence. Here you can find the main ones.

1. Seeking contact vs. avoiding loneliness

In emotional dependence, everything that the relationship brings us is posed in a negative sense , while with love the opposite occurs. That means that in the first case the contact with the other person is a tool to make the discomfort disappear, while in love the company and presence of the other person is something that produces well-being.

In other words, in love being with someone brings a positive value, while in the case of emotional dependence this is seen as a resource to avoid the lack of someone, and therefore the elimination of something negative is sought.

2. Living the experience vs. having tools

Virtually everything good that a love relationship brings has to do with the subjective value of the experience of being with someone. In other words, we cannot explain in words what aspects of our life are enhanced by the presence of someone we love.

However, with dependency the opposite is true. Here, when we think about the relationship we tend to identify very concrete aspects of our life in which the presence of the other is noticed . For example, the possibility of accessing a group of friends, the fact of not having to go back to live in the parents’ house, etc. In some way, the relationship is seen as a sum of these options to improve our life; it is not something that goes much beyond this union of advantages.

3. Option to negotiate vs. blind faith in the relationship

In love, it is clear that, although certain sacrifices must be made to maintain a stable relationship, these must be reasonable and it is perfectly legitimate to question its limits.

The difference this aspect makes with respect to dependence is that in the latter the limits are not even questioned out of pure fear . Here, the relationship is not seen as something dynamic that can be adapted to the needs of both, but rather as a series of rigid rules in which it is necessary to fit. This makes the dependency grow more, since the possibility of damaging the relationship with any small detail makes it be constantly paid attention to.

4. Attention to well-being vs. attention to obsessions

In love, what matters is the well-being of the people involved, and the relationship is only the means through which the fit between people who enjoy mutual contact is produced.

In the case of dependency, however, attention is directed to the idea of the relationship itself , which is almost always composed of stereotypes and rituals that have to be repeated over and over again. In other words, the relationship is used as a way to give it a predictable and stable structure in everyday life.

5. Loving that person vs. Wanting what that person offers us

In love, the target of all the positive emotions we experience in the relationship is always the person for whom we feel that strong emotional bond .

On the other hand, in situations of dependence, what is valued is all those changes that the possibility of relating to that person has introduced in our lives.

6. Flexibility vs. fixed schedules

In love, the freedom of each person involved is taken for granted. That means that, by default, it is assumed that everyone can do what they want, and exceptions have to be provided for and justified.

In dependency, what is taken for granted is a certain routine , so any transgression of these customs produces discomfort.

That’s why one of the main differences between love and dependence is that the latter can be metaphorically compared to an addiction, since it consumes a great deal of time and the greatest emotional impact it causes is the discomfort generated by going off schedule.

7. Enhancing low self-esteem

Love doesn’t have to make our self-esteem better, but dependence does make it worse. The reason is that, by constantly feeling vulnerable, worries about events that do not depend on oneself (such as the fact that the other person is a few minutes late in coming home) feed the idea that nothing can be done to avoid the discomfort.