When couples make the decision to separate or divorce, they face a grieving process that in most cases generates emotional pain and brings with it physical and emotional discomfort.

There are divorces that are carried out with much more calm, understanding and ease than others; this depends on the type of relationship that was maintained, the years of living together, as well as the emotional and social resources.

What happens to children when a marriage breaks up?

However, the purpose of this article is to focus on the figure of the children . On many occasions, parents, through their own pain, avoid paying attention to the suffering of their children, and we must remember that they are defenseless and vulnerable before the decisions of adults and, above all, the last thing they want is to get away from their parents.

All children suffer from their parents’ divorce, some more than others . This depends on the age, personality, relationship with the parents, couple dynamics and circumstances of the divorce. Typical reactions are: sadness, anger, worry, anxiety, sometimes they can express it verbally, other times they express it through changes in their behaviour.

Dealing with a successful separation

This article is intended to help parents of children between the ages of five and ten who have a healthy relationship with their parents, but must deal with their parents’ divorce. In this way, they will be able to grow and develop as receptive, stable and flexible adults, without divorce being an insurmountable obstacle in the construction of their personality and their social and emotional skills.

Children, between the ages of five and ten, tend to understand more easily the concept of “divorce” . They assume that they will not be able to see their father or mother as often, that they will change house, sometimes school, neighbourhood, and that certain types of activities will be different from now on. Nevertheless, the pain that a child experiences because of the absence of his or her parent when the relationship has been stable and healthy is always present; however much we try to explain it to them with many reasons, they miss and want to have the coexistence of a united home.

1. Avoid making children feel guilty about separation

It is important to mention that many children feel guilty about the separation from their parents , even if it is explained to them that they do not have responsibility for the decision. They often blame themselves for a long time and even change their behaviour in the belief that they can avoid the separation or get their parents back together.

The most important point and from which the subsequent ones derive is to understand, accept and act knowing that the separation is centered in the relationship of the parents; they are the ones who have decided not to continue their lives together . But children at no time, starting from a healthy relationship, have to leave their parents. For them, both parents remain essential figures in their lives and, therefore, the changes should not affect the perception that the child has of his or her parent after the divorce.

2. Avoid bad-mouthing the other parent

Unfortunately, it is very difficult for parents to make that differentiation and, consciously or unconsciously, by the same pain or stress of separation, hurt the child’s perception of his or her parent. In extreme cases, this can lead to Parental Alienation Syndrome (SAP).

Some stories mentioned by the children in consultation are often a reference to the speeches of their parents, which easily demonstrate the pain towards the spouse due to the separation. However, this should not affect the child. The child is vulnerable and can absorb the negative feelings of the “disappointed parent”. That is why adults should focus very well on their pain and not place children in the middle of the “crossfire” that separations sometimes become.

Below, we continue with other tips that can help adults handle divorce from a more assertive perspective and make the experience as bearable as possible for the children involved.

3. Love and trust in passing on the news of divorce

Parents should focus their efforts on giving him their love and trust , fostering an environment of tranquillity and respect. They should allow fluid communication and let the child express his thoughts and feelings, including those that are not to his liking.

It is important to give our unconditional support and, above all, to be honest . We must answer all the questions that the child expresses regarding the new changes , but it is not necessary to go into detail regarding marital conflicts.

As parents, we must be confident in our decision, looking for support networks: family, friends, co-workers who are trustworthy and close to the situation. Children can never be the “teardrop” of the parents .

4. How to communicate the separation

It is vital that both parents are present when the news is given to the children. The role as parents remains and this is a very distressing moment for the child, therefore, the presence of both will offer him/her more security .

We must explain in a concrete, simple and sincere way the decision we have taken. A clear and age-appropriate message must be conveyed. According to your child’s way of being, we must reflect on what is the fundamental idea that must be made clear.

Let’s always be attentive to body language, both ours and the little one’s , since at that moment the children are listening carefully to what we transmit to them and not only with words. Therefore, let us make sure that we use looks, gestures and hugs that play in favour of conversation.

5. Attend to and report on all matters as necessary

We must provide the information necessary for the child to understand the changes that will take place in the future. It is very common for parents to be extremely stressed, as they have to resolve a series of economic, family and legal situations derived from the same divorce, and they tend to play down aspects that are vital for the children .

These important issues for children can be the following: whether they will stop seeing their friends, whether they will change schools, whether they will be able to play with the neighbours, whether they will be able to keep their pet, in short, the child’s concerns must also be addressed, as they mostly depend on the decisions of their parents. Therefore, before sharing the decision, we must try to respond to this type of needs of the children .

6. Space, time and tenderness for the child to assimilate the news

Let’s offer space for the child to process the information . Children process information in various ways, depending on different variables. The most important thing to remember is that they require time to assimilate them (the estimated time can be from two to six months in the case of parental divorce).

It is not a good idea for the child to understand the typical phrase: “this is the best decision”, because at that moment the child feels that his parents thought only of themselves as adults , because he does not want to be without his father or mother, so it is necessary to communicate to him that he has every right to be upset, disappointed, sad or worried. We can even tell him that we are sorry for putting him through this, and that we give him all our support at this time.

Like all grieving processes, the child needs to place the blame on someone, either himself or the parents. It’s part of the process of assimilation. That is why it is important to listen to him/her when he/she wants to talk about the subject, as a way of letting off steam, and to pay attention to his/her changes of mood and behavior: food, sleep, conversation topics, fatigue, socialization, affection, tastes, among others.

Sometimes, children, consciously or unconsciously, seek to please their parents or create spaces that avoid separation . We must be attentive to this type of behaviour and, if necessary, point out that it is not a good idea. Likewise, we must be aware that they do not want to place themselves in the “position of the strong”, because sometimes they believe that one of their parents needs them and it is their duty to help them, as mentioned at the beginning, no child should assume that role.

7. After the separation: communication, space and affection

Let’s try to keep the same routine and rearrange those spaces that evoke the person’s absence , such as the space at the table, the armchair in the TV room or personal objects, so that they are used in a different way.

We must incorporate new activities that are enjoyable for everyone: walks, visiting family members, inviting companions to the house; that benefit both the child and us as parents. We must let the child know that we are happy to know that he feels happy, because many times young children feel guilty for feeling happy.

You have to encourage spaces to feel close to your mom or dad. Let us always offer him our support and let him know our desire to allow him to enjoy his mum or dad even if he sees him less now . Let him call you on the phone, write you messages, draw you a picture, visit you at work, etc. Let’s also agree to let the other person participate in the child’s school activities. The child’s welfare should be prioritized over any possible quarrels between parents.

8. Coping with the absence of a parent

The reasons why adults divorce and the feelings that go with it are often not valid enough for children to understand the absence of one parent. That is to say, for them that person is extremely important and loved in their lives, over and above the mistakes they made in their role as a couple .

Consequently, we should try to keep the details and details of the separation as far away from the child as possible, as well as the negative feelings that one or both spouses have against the other: anger, rage, disappointment, resentment, etc. Of course, one should avoid involving the children in such behaviors as insults, recrimination, revenge, reproach, and victimization.

9. Seek our psychological support and do not hold the child responsible for it

Separation and divorce proceedings may require support from family, friends and even professionals , but remember that your child should not take on this task. As adults, we must seek our own help if we consider it necessary, unquestionably it is a moment that can be painful, and for this reason we must watch over the quality of life of the child, accommodating him/her and helping him/her to face the new reality.