Knowing how to listen and talk is the key to any healthy relationship, also between you and your children. But being a parent is hard work and maintaining good communication with your children, especially in the teenage years, can be challenging.

An added difficulty is that parents have to reconcile their work life with family time, which means that most of the time they cannot devote as much time as they would like to caring for the relationship they have with their children. In today’s article we explain a series of tips based on mutual respect that will help make communication between you and your children more fluid and beneficial for both of you .

1. Be accessible to your children

  • Find out when your children are most willing to talk – for example, at bedtime, before lunch, in the car… – and try to be receptive; they have to know that you want to listen to them.
  • Start the conversation ; this allows your children to realise that you are interested in what is going on in their lives. It is important to start it by sharing with them your own ideas rather than starting with questions, as these can be seen as an interrogation and make them close more.
  • Try to find a time each week to do an activity with each child separately , and avoid scheduling other tasks during that time. Sharing time with them individually will make them feel special and important to you, and will facilitate communication between you.
  • learns about her interests and tastes – for example, her favourite music group, her hobbies …- and shows interest in it. Your children will appreciate it if you take their preferences into account. Furthermore, if you have any hobbies in common you can share time by doing it together.

2. Let your children know that you are listening to them

  • When your children are talking about something important to them, stop everything you are doing and just listen to them . If they see you busy or disinterested they will probably let it go and never come to you again in a similar case.
  • Expresses interest in what you are being told, avoiding being too intrusive . They must feel that the interest you show is real and not something pretended in order to get information out of them.
  • Listen to their point of view, even if you find it difficult to understand or do not share it at all . Everyone has a different way of thinking, including your children, and that doesn’t mean it isn’t just as valid as yours.
  • Let them finish speaking before answering . Don’t cut them off in the middle of an explanation, nobody likes to be interrupted while they are talking.
  • Repeat what you just heard to make sure you understood it correctly . Communication is not always clear and simple, and many of the discussions between parents and children are generated by misunderstandings in the conversations.

3. Respond in such a way that your children will listen to you

  • Soften your overreactions ; your children will stop paying attention to you if you seem angry or defensive. Although it may be difficult to achieve at times, try to remain calm and speak to them in a neutral tone. Improving communication with your children also means creating a context that is conducive to dialogue.
  • Avoid arguing about who is right . If each person only thinks that he or she is right, neither of them will tend to listen to the other’s reasons and no consensus can be reached. Instead say, “I know you don’t agree with me, but that’s what I think. Express your opinion without disparaging your children’s; accept that there is nothing wrong with disagreeing on something.
  • Focus on your children’s feelings rather than on yourself during the conversation . Sometimes it can be difficult for them to express what they are feeling and they need you to be empathetic with them, to put yourself in their shoes and understand them.

Final tips for improving communication with children

Finally, some tricks to improve and encourage communication between parents and children :

1. Ask your children what they will want or need from you in a conversation : a piece of advice, simply to listen to them, to help them deal with their feelings or to give them help in solving a problem.

2. Children learn by imitation . They will often follow in your footsteps in how you manage anger and upset, how you solve problems and how you deal with complicated situations and feelings. Try to be the best version of yourself for them, become a role model in the face of difficulties.

3. Just talk to your children ; don’t give them a monologue, don’t criticize them, don’t threaten them or say hurtful things to them.

4. Children learn from their own decisions . Unless their actions may have dangerous consequences, don’t feel you have to intervene all the time.

5. Keep in mind that your children may test you by telling you only a small part of what they are worried about . Listen to them carefully and encourage them to keep talking so that they finish explaining the rest of the story.

6. When giving information, look for it in a positive way . It is also important to give consistent messages, avoid contradictions and express yourself clearly when asking for something, to avoid possible confusion that could lead to conflicts.

7. Always try to obey the rule that “everything that is said, is fulfilled” , in other words, do not promise in vain; it is important to keep the promises you make to your children, otherwise it could affect the trust they place in you. For the same reason, you must also avoid lies.

8. Whenever possible, ask for your children’s opinion in matters affecting the family .This will make them feel that they are part of the family unit and that their point of view is important to you.