All of us, at some point, have hurt others, whether in small ways or large. We’ve also been hurt by people we love, by family, friends, partners, and even people we didn’t know. We have been harmed directly or indirectly by the hatred of armed groups, by wars, by the ambition of government entities and unfortunately even by organizations that claim to protect the rights of human beings. Why do we continue to harm each other? Why do we continue to believe that the answer to the evil of the world is with more hatred?

We still believe that the enemy is outside . But as Khyentsé Rinpoche says, “The time has come to divert the hatred from its usual targets, your so-called enemies, into itself. In reality, your real enemy is hatred and it is he who you must destroy. Forgiveness is the key.

Matthiew Ricard, in his book In Defense of Happiness , points out that we do not usually consider a criminal the victim of his own hate, much less understand that the desire for revenge that may arise in us comes fundamentally from that same emotion that has led the aggressor to hurt us.

Hate is limiting

Hate is the real poison , and if we are not aware of how anger is transformed into this feeling, we can end up in the position of the criminal, victim of his hate. Imprisoned. Destroyed. No peace. Reproducing an endless chain of pain.

Ricard mentions that this does not mean that we cannot feel a deep aversion and repulsion towards injustice, cruelty, oppression and harmful acts or fight to prevent them from happening. We can do so without succumbing to hatred and revenge and rather motivated by deep compassion for both the suffering of victims and perpetrators.

Holding a grudge, blaming, clinging and dwelling too much on wounds , undermines our happiness and has a considerable effect on our physical and psychological well-being. Studies have suggested that forgiveness is a more effective way to respond, reducing stress and promoting happiness. However, how we react to these wounds is up to us. Forgiveness is a choice and a process. Pain and disappointment are inevitable, but they should not control our lives.

What is forgiveness?

Dacher Keltner, social psychologist and professor at the University of Berkeley, mentions that there are four components that help us define and scientifically measure forgiveness . The first is the acceptance that the transgression or harm that someone has done to us has occurred. The second is the lessening of the desire or urgency to seek revenge or compensation. The third (and above all when it is a question of minor conflicts or with people who are close to us and who can resume the relationship), is the desire for rapprochement, a decrease in distance or evasion of the other person. Finally, the fourth component involves a change in negative feelings towards the other person, such as an increase in compassion and understanding of one’s own suffering, pain, ignorance or confusion that has led to hurt.

Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness also allows us to set limits that are necessary to protect us from experiencing harm from others again. Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist psychologist and teacher, defines forgiveness as the resolution not to allow the transgression to happen again , to protect oneself and others. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean talking to or relating to the person who betrayed you. It is not about the other, nor is it a duty. It is a way to end one’s own suffering.

Forgiveness can demand justice and say “No more”. Mention in turn that it is not sentimental or quick. For him, forgiveness is a deep-hearted process that can take a long time and can be difficult, both when it comes to forgiving others and ourselves. But it is a process that frees us and allows us to love.

In turn, forgiveness also involves mourning the loss of the things that didn’t work out the way we wanted and to stop waiting for a better past, because it’s over, it’s done and it can’t be changed. That mourning and pain have great value, because as Kornfield says “sometimes the things that make us vulnerable are those that open our hearts and bring us back to what matters most, to love and to life.

What is not forgiveness?

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting how others have hurt you, nor does it necessarily mean reconciling or relating to the person who hurt you. Nor does it mean approving of your conduct or offense, or absolving you of responsibility. Forgiveness is also not weakness or a sign of submission. Instead, it requires courage, it means to stop constantly making someone responsible for his or her emotional well-being and to change his or her attitude towards that original wound so that it does not continue to hurt him or her. It means letting go of the burden you carry from that person who has hurt you.

Health and Relationship Benefits of Forgiveness

Forgiveness tends to be positively associated with psychological well-being, physical health, and good interpersonal relationships. People who tend to forgive others score lower on measures of anxiety, depression, and hostility (Brown 2003; Thompson et al., 2005). Similarly, giving up a grudge is associated with lower levels of stress and cardiovascular responsiveness (blood pressure and heart rate) (Witvliet et al., 2001).

According to a review of the literature on forgiveness and health by Everett Worthington and his colleague Michael Scherer (2004), unforgiveness can compromise the immune system. The review suggests that it can affect the production of important hormones and the way our cells fight infection and bacteria. In turn, hostility is a central part of unforgiveness , and has been directly linked to numerous health problems, having more detrimental effects on the cardiovascular system (Kaplan, 1992; Williams & Williams, 1993).

Researchers at the University of Miami link forgiveness to increased life satisfaction, more positive emotions, less negative emotions and fewer symptoms of physical illness. They also found that people felt happier after forgiving someone with whom they reported having a close and committed relationship before the transgression and especially when the other person apologized and tried to repair the damage, suggesting that forgiveness increases our happiness because it helps repair interpersonal relationships , which previous studies have shown are vital to our long-term happiness (Bono, et al., 2007). Similarly, other studies have found that people who tend to forgive report greater quality, satisfaction and commitment in their relationships.

Of course, there are limits. The context in which forgiveness occurs is important. For example, in marriages, the frequency of transgressions by members moderates the effects of forgiveness. If a husband or wife continues to forgive his or her partner for frequent transgressions, not only is his or her satisfaction with the relationship diminished, but his or her partner’s abuse, transgressions, or unwanted behavior is likely to continue and even worsen because there are no repercussions from his or her actions (McNulty, 2008).

Perdonar no es fácil. Nos puede parecer casi imposible llegar a perdonar a aquellos que nos han herido de grandes maneras. Aún más inimaginable el llegar a sentir compasión, comprensión o empatía por las personas que nos han ofendido o lastimado profundamente. Inclusive nos puede costar ante pequeños agravios. Sin embargo es probable que todos conozcamos historias de personas que han logrado hacerlo y que nos han demostrado la importancia y belleza del perdón. El perdón, así como otras emociones positivas como la esperanza, la compasión y aprecio, es una expresión natural de nuestra humanidad.

Autora: Jessica Cortés

Referencias bibliográficas:

  • Brown, R.P. (2003). Midiendo las diferencias individuales en la tendencia a perdonar: Construir la validez y los vínculos con la depresión. Boletín de Personalidad y Psicología Social, 29, 759-771.
  • Bono, G., McCullough M. E., & Root, L.M. (2007). Forgiveness, Feeling Connected to Others, and Well-Being: Dos estudios longitudinales. Boletín de Personalidad y Psicología Social, 20, 1-14.
  • Kaplan, B.H. (1992). Social health and the forgiving heart: La historia del Tipo B. Journal of Behavior Medicine, 15, 3-14.
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  • Williams, R. y Williams, V. (1993). Anger Kills: Diecisiete estrategias para controlar la hostilidad que puede dañar su salud. Harper Perennial, Nueva York.
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