When couples get married, they start the adventure of marriage; with much enthusiasm they dare to dream, to create common projects, they enjoy themselves as a couple and sometimes they wait for the great moment when the children arrive home. With great emotion, they set out on the path of raising this new child. Many fears, worries and new needs arise, but little by little everything is resolved .

These are the magical moments that the couples who attend the consultation remember because “their babies” became independent by leaving home and they now do not know what to do. What usually happens is that they have been living for more than twenty years for their children, so the moment when they become independent can be a hard blow ; they are overwhelmed by an incredible sadness and loneliness. When the children marry, the family nest is empty and few things remain the same.

“My children are leaving home”

These parents wish the best for their children and support them, but inside they feel that they are fading away from pain . “I sit on his bed and cry, what am I going to do now,” says the father days after the wedding of his only daughter.

It is the expected moment, as the father acknowledges, and he feels happy for his daughter’s partner, but he is aware of the readjustments they will have to make at home, because the experiences will not be the same. It is the moment of the family reorganization, to reach a new stability .

That is why I consider it important to provide information about this new stage that couples are going through, and above all about Empty Nest Syndrome, as well as to give recommendations for dealing with it.

Empty Nest Syndrome

Couples go through different stages, and in each one both members must rearrange their expectations, desires, needs so that together they can walk and feel satisfied in that union. In general, when the children are at home, the parents’ priority is to make sure that they are well: to provide them with affection, values, food, shelter, study, fun, etc. Therefore, parents spend much of their time striving to fulfill this role.

Unfortunately, on many occasions, they forget that before becoming parents they were people and then a couple; therefore, they consider that their only duty is to be parents and their life revolves around their “great loves” .

A definition

Before we continue, let’s clarify what we mean when we talk about Empty Nest Syndrome.

It refers not only to physical separation, but also to emotional distancing based on “not depending on or being dependent on the parents”, either because the children are starting a relationship or for reasons of independence or studies.

Symptoms that may appear when children leave home

The Empty Nest Syndrome to which we refer here is absolutely linked to the event of separation of the children . Among the main symptoms are

  • Permanent sadness and the desire to cry for no apparent reason, linked to feelings of hopelessness and even tiredness.
  • Loss of the meaning of life . No interest found in any activity. Doesn’t want to do anything. No motivation for any task.
  • Feeling of loneliness .
  • Feeling of abandonment , and even “jealousy” for not being the priority in your child.
  • Excessive and irrational concern for the welfare of the son or daughter, even generating stress or anxiety.
  • Vulnerability or affective sensitivity (irritability) related to insignificant topics related to the child (they served the child’s favourite dessert and that affected him), even feelings of rejection or exclusion can be generated (without having valid arguments for them to appear).

Some variables in the expression of the syndrome

The reactions are not usually equal in intensity, since they depend on factors such as the type of relationship maintained with the child, the personality or the emotional resources available at the time; much of this is mediated by the support that can be offered between spouses .

Women express their discomfort more easily and seek professional help. Men, because of their social role, find it harder to externalize their discomfort, which is expressed through somatic complaints.

Empty Nest Syndrome and diagnostic manuals

It is important to mention that this syndrome has no diagnostic basis in psychiatric manuals .

However, it is often heard in the clinic today. At the beginning, couples focus on the “departure of their children”, little by little they realize that they have abandoned themselves and most probably their partner. Therefore, the recovery process starts from this essential point.

What to do?

The objective is to have clarity about your goals, projects, hobbies, friendships, family, among others , as well as to dedicate the necessary time and space to the couple and allow an environment where the children can make “their flight” without generating a significant imbalance in the parents.

In those situations where the couple maintains a healthy relationship, but one or both parents are going through this situation, they are given a series of recommendations to more easily assimilate the new dynamic:

1. Working on self-esteem

Many times the couple places all their hopes and expectations in the role of parents, that is, in the formation of good human beings, and nothing is contemplated beyond that task. Therefore, when the children no longer need them to make decisions or simply undertake their own projects, an enormous vacuum is generated .

Therefore, Empty Nest Syndrome can cause a feeling of worthlessness to appear that lowers self-esteem.

2. Focusing attention

Many times people only focus on the losses they are going through, without paying attention to the gains . When a child leaves home it is because he or she is prepared to take on, with his or her own resources, his or her life, which will bring many benefits or opportunities. Therefore, it is worthwhile to channel new needs in a positive way. In short, to undertake new projects.

People have many abilities and virtues that they can put at the service of others. Starting a volunteer program, community work, charity work, counseling, can be options in which to redirect your potential and energy, or some work that generates income but can be therapeutic at the same time.

3. Expressing one’s feelings

It is healthy for parents to be able to express their pain, as they are going through a grieving process that they will gradually overcome. Therefore, it is normal for them to visit their children’s room or belongings and if necessary, cry to release their pain. This is a very personal moment of emotional recollection.

4. Reorganizing the role

Children start a new stage in which they will also need things from their parents, but from another position. It is very important that parents adjust to their children’s new needs , which may be just as important as when they were at home.

5. Out with stress

Parents often spend a lot of time raising their children concerned about their welfare and are predisposed to be worried, but now unnecessarily so. Even unwittingly, they pass these concerns on to their children, which is harmful.

That is why it is necessary to learn how to relax, first by detecting those negative or irrational thoughts that generate worries, and then by practicing physical exercises and, if necessary, meditation.

6. Living a second honeymoon

Having more free time is a good opportunity to enjoy the time with your partner and to look for new activities that you both enjoy: going out to eat, practicing alternative sports, getting to know new places, etc.

In case you no longer have a partner, it may be the best time to meet new people, go out with friends and share moments with the rest of the family.

One final consideration

The most important thing to keep in mind is that parents do the wonderful job of doing what it takes for their children to become independent.

Although it may hurt at first, adjusting to the new situation is the most appropriate and beneficial, for no parent would like to see their children back home because they were not prepared for the world. Therefore, there are reasons for parents to feel happy and proud both for their work and for the effort their pupils are making in putting into practice the teachings of the teacher.