Love life and relationships have a paradoxical characteristic: although they affect our well-being a lot, they are something over which we have rather little control.
That’s why many people ask themselves… why am I not lucky in love? The fact is that unrequited love and failure in trying to live a stable relationship can be experienced from a catastrophic perspective, as if we were predestined to unhappiness.
In this article we will look at several possible answers to that question, and at the same time we will review several tips and recommendations about what to do both if you are looking for a relationship and if you are in one that is going through its worst moments.
Why don’t I have any luck in love?
If relationships and marriages are complicated it is among other things because there are many ways for them to go wrong, or even not to start at all .
Liking someone to the point of reciprocal love emerging and giving rise to a stable relationship is a process that requires delicate balances. Balances maintained between psychological phenomena that are often mutually exclusive : sexual desire against commitment, illusion against discipline to live together properly, desire to like against honesty, etc.
In any case, if we want to address this issue we will have to simplify this kind of problems to make them understandable and relatively easy to solve. Therefore, let’s divide bad luck in love into two parts: problems finding a partner and problems maintaining love relationships.
The problems of finding a partner
Many people who think they are unlucky in love feel that they have a hard time finding a partner . Let’s see what this might be about.
1. Obsession with finding someone
No one is forced to have a partner, even though culturally tradition imposes various expectations on us regarding marriage.
Perhaps, a good part of what makes you think you have bad luck in love is precisely that this obsession with finding someone quickly prevents you from taking this process naturally , on the one hand, or from feeling bad for not feeling interested in anyone, something completely normal.
2. Distorted expectations
This does not mean simply having too high a standard of expectation for what it means to find love. It means, among other things, attaching great importance to the idea that there are high and low expectations in love life.
Those who fall in love do so through an experience that completely changes their perspective on life. It is a qualitative change, not a quantitative one, and for it to happen, in many cases, the initial prejudices must be overcome .
So the trick is to meet new people, with all that this implies: to open up to all kinds of people, beyond the labels, and to value them for what they really do and are.
3. Communication problems
It’s not all about looking. Someone who wants to attract another person’s attention (romantically) must master basic principles of social skills.
For example, express yourself well, be clear about what you are saying , don’t be too mysterious, etc.
4. Lack of knowledge of social conventions
It is important to be aware that there are certain social conventions that, although they should not govern our personal relationships, are there.
Having them as a reference is important for knowing how others perceive us in the early stages of a conversation (and even before we start them).
For example, unwritten rules about the degree of trust you can expect in a stranger, about dress codes, etc.
5. Playing the victim
Sometimes, those who think they are unlucky in love enter into an infinite loop: they become so pessimistic that they give no reason for others to be interested in them.
Playing the victim as if others owed us attention and love is a serious mistake . The pain we feel may be very real, and it’s true that we don’t have to hide it, but that doesn’t mean that we should constantly make others feel guilty.
And, of course, trying to make people feel sorry for them in order to generate attraction results in the opposite effect to the one desired.
Bad Luck in Love Life: Engagements and Marriages
It is also very possible that bad luck in love is experienced above all when it comes to forming a couple’s relationship that lasts and is consolidated by a healthy coexistence between the lovers .
In these cases, the problem is not so much finding a partner (although it can be) but making these love ties last over time and not just that: making them stronger as the months and years go by.
In this sense, to understand what is happening, it is necessary to take into account all the aspects we have seen so far , and also the following issues.
1. The lack of possibilities of emancipation
Every love relationship needs a time and a space in which to develop, and that means that it is very complicated for the emotional bond to be maintained if one does not have the possibility of living with basic material resources.
For example, if many years go by and despite the wishes of both people involved, it is not possible to find a sufficiently affordable flat in which to live, this will wear down the relationship .
Achieving that economic stability is important, and that means both working efficiently and developing our talents, and doing what we can to make society better off economically.
2. The lack of communication
Communication failures are very frequent in relationships. For example, assuming that the other person knows what we are talking about when in fact we don’t, interpreting certain ambiguous phrases as mocking or accusing, etc.
In this respect, you just need to practice these social skills and talk together about the most frequent mistakes you make in this area, assuming a proactive and honest attitude and supporting yourself with constructive criticism.
3. The lack of commitment
Having a love relationship is also a job in which you have to invest time and effort . Being clear about this is important, because it would be a mistake to assume that true love is one in which everything flows without the slightest effort.
Simply taking into account the needs and interests of the person we love means that we must strive to make the relationship a comfortable context for both of us, not just for you.
If almost everything fails, you can always go to couples’ therapy , although even to resort to this it is necessary that there is a minimum of commitment; for example, if a relationship is being maintained with a third person outside of the engagement or marriage, couples’ therapy has no future and should not be started.
- Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: the nature and chemistry of romantic love. New York: Henry Holt & Co.
- Lewis, T.; Amini, F.; Lannon, R. (2000). A General Theory of Love. Random House.