Have you ever heard the expression “I am my own worst enemy” ? I’m sure you’ve heard it at least once in your life, and the truth is that implies a deep reflection .

Some people live a life of great deprivation because of their own feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred . This causes them to have problems relating to others and being happy. But what are the causes of these kinds of feelings? To what extent do they alter our thoughts, emotions and habits? And, in short, how can we from psychology help to improve this self-perception of people who hate themselves so that they are not so affected by this discomfort?

What is the critical voice within and why should we silence it forever?

In a study published a few months ago, psychologists Lisa and Robert Firestone found evidence that the most frequent self-critical thinking among most people (regardless of their cultural, ethnic or religious background) was “I am different from others” . Most people see themselves as different from others, but not in a positive sense, but quite the opposite: in a negative sense.

We all have an “anti-ego” that hates our way of being

In fact, even individuals who have a good social image and seem perfectly adapted and respected in the social environments they frequent have strong negative feelings and the feeling of showing a distorted face about themselves . This is explained because, according to some experts, our identity is split up .

Dr. Robert Firestone explains that each person has a “real self” , a part of our personality that is based on self-acceptance, as well as an “anti-ego” , a part of our consciousness that rejects our way of being .

The critical or “anti-ego” voice

The anti-ego is in charge of boycotting us through that critical inner voice that we all, to a greater or lesser extent, have. This critical voice is like a kind of alarm of our self-concept that makes negative comments about every moment of our lives , thus altering our behaviour and our self-esteem. It is a specialist in burying our illusions and goals: “Do you really think you can do it? You can never reach that goal, look at you, you’re not good enough!” . It also takes care of despising your past and present achievements: “Yeah, well, you’re lucky, it’s not your doing.” . Besides, the anti-ego is an expert in boycotting our well-being when we enjoy a relationship: “She doesn’t really love you. Why do you think she has so many friends in college? You shouldn’t trust her” .

Learning to ignore the voice that is trying to boycott us

Everyone has this critical voice within them, but some people pay a lot of attention to it, while others have learned to ignore it. As for the former, the main problem is that when you pay a lot of attention to the critical voice, the criticism and reproaches it throws are harder and more constant . In this way, they end up assuming that, instead of being a voice that represents an enemy to be fought, it is a voice that emanates from our “real self” and confuses criticism with the real point of view, accepting without further ado everything it tells us.

Why do I hate myself?

“I hate myself” is a recurring phrase that can send us our inner critical voice. What is the origin of this kind of self-destructive thinking?

For psychologists Lisa and Robert Firestone, are thoughts that are generated in the negative experiences of childhood and adolescence . The way we perceive ourselves in the different stages of childhood and puberty and the judgments of others towards us are shaping our identity and, therefore, a better or worse self-concept.

How others perceive us decisively affects how we value ourselves

When we are the object of negative attitudes on the part of our parents or people we hold in high esteem, we internalize these assessments and judgments to shape our own image . It seems clear that if receiving positive attitudes from our parents (such as flattery or feeling loved and appreciated) helps us to develop good self-esteem, critical attitudes can promote just the opposite effect. This phenomenon is perfectly explained by the “Pygmalion Effect”.

In any case, it is not a question here of holding parents responsible for everything. Educating a child is not an easy task, and our parents also have to bear negative feelings from their own past ; no one is therefore immune from transmitting, even unconsciously, judgements or gestures that are not entirely appropriate, especially in moments of tension.

A negativity that is transmitted from parents to children

If, for example, our parents made us look naughty or told us to keep quiet all the time, or even if they just felt overwhelmed if we were around, we might end up accepting the idea that we are really a nuisance . One of the possible effects of this perception is that we could end up being shy and withdrawn people, or take a submissive attitude in our daily life and with our interpersonal relationships.

How does the critical voice disturb us in our daily lives?

Our “anti-ego” can have an impact on our daily lives in several different ways. We can try to adapt to the critical voice by trying to take its criticisms into consideration. When it repeatedly states that we are a disaster as people, we can come to believe it and choose, under that premise, friends and sentimental partners who treat us the same way, as if we were worthless.

It is also possible that if you constantly tell us that we are inept, we develop a total lack of self-esteem that pushes us to make mistakes that in the end make us look really stupid . It is a self-fulfilling prophecy . If you tell us all the time that we are very unattractive, we may even decline the option of looking for a partner.

Between turning a deaf ear and managing criticism

The moment we listen to our critical inner voice we give it authority over our thinking and our actions. It is possible until we start to project this kind of critical thinking to the people around us. We are in real danger that the hatred that the critical voice generates towards ourselves will end up fogging the glasses with which we see the world. At this point we may begin to suffer from some symptoms of paranoid personality disorder, when we begin to question people who perceive us differently from the way our inner voice does.

We can try to stay away from positive praise and criticism, because they contradict the schemes that we have built on our own person. We can even instill in ourselves the idea that we are not valid enough to have love relationships . It is a critical voice that not only attacks us from outside, but little by little it becomes the personality itself, attacking the foundations of personal well-being. Not only is it there all the time, but there comes a moment when, for that very reason, we stop perceiving it, because it is already completely integrated into us.

How can I stop hating myself?

There are several tips that can help manage and try to minimize this self-hatred , managing to live outside these limiting beliefs that our internal critic generates.

Overcoming our critical voice, our anti-self, is the first step towards liberation from destructive thoughts, but this is not easy since many of these beliefs and attitudes are fully ingrained in our being, we have internalized them.

1. Identify the critical voice

This process starts by detecting and starting to sow the seeds to be able to manage this critical voice . Once we have recognized the sources of these critical thoughts that affect us negatively, we must take into consideration what is true (the thoughts) and what is false.

Sometimes, as we have already mentioned, this identification is going to mean that you look inside yourself to recognize the negative traits that you have “inherited” from your parents during your childhood. If you had very demanding parents, for example, you have the responsibility to challenge the habits of demanding others that you have acquired .

2. Rationalize and begin to be realistic

We must respond to the attacks of our critical self that provoke this self-hatred by a calm but realistic and rational view of ourselves .

3. Challenge and relativize

Finally, we must be able to challenge the self-destructive attitudes that affect our self-esteem that the negative voice pushes us to perform . When we give up these defence mechanisms that we have built up with the adaptation to the pain that you experienced in your childhood, we will try to change some behaviours that emerge from this circumstance.

For example, if you were a very overprotected child and your parents were constantly watching you, you may have developed a tendency to isolate yourself from others for fear that they might interfere with your life.

4. Find your own identity

The final step in changing from thinking “I hate myself” to “I like myself” involves trying to find your own values, ideas and beliefs that you are comfortable and calm with . What is your idea of how to live life? What are your short, medium and long-term goals?

When we free ourselves from our inner critic, we are closer to finding ourselves. We can then begin to have attitudes and perform acts that are a much more faithful reflection of our needs and desires, which will give much more meaning to our existence.

A path not free of obstacles but worth walking

During the journey of trying to stop hating ourselves until we find that path that makes us happy, it is natural to experience a little anxiety or a resistance of the critical voice to abandon our recurring thoughts.

However, if one is persistent in challenging the critical voice within, it will gradually become weaker and we will be able to get rid of the feeling of self-hatred . A crucial step towards a more pleasant and happy life.