On a day-to-day basis, it is difficult to reach all the objectives that one sets oneself. However, it is even more difficult to make our needs compatible with what others constantly demand of us. In other words, offer that version of ourselves that others expect .

Of course, being there to support others is a good thing, but sometimes we get so caught up in the dynamics of pleasing everyone that we end up sacrificing a good part of our lives to make others feel a little more comfortable. Knowing how to establish a balance between what is given and what is received is more complicated than it seems.

Being there for others does not imply enslavement

Some time ago I knew a person who, from a certain point in his life, decided to guide his actions through a very clear mission: to please others .

This person, whom we will call Tania, did not have strong religious beliefs nor, in conversation, did she appear to see herself as a self-sacrificing defender of good. She was a very normal and ordinary person, with little tendency to moralism or to judge people, and she had her own fears and concerns. The only difference between Tania and most people is that, in practice, she acted as if she owed something to everyone. She lived to please her fellow man, and there was no denying that.

So, week after week, Tania gave dozens of reasons to be appreciated by others thanks to those efforts, whether light or moderate, that she made to make the people around her a little happier. In exchange for this, she wasted dozens of opportunities to say no to certain requests and to spend time taking care of herself, resting or simply doing what she would have liked to do at that moment.

At first, it all seemed very much like a simple transaction; after all, it is said that the richest person is the one who learns to give what he has without feeling the loss. Seeing the happiness and well-being of those we care about also has a positive impact on us. However, what Tania did not realize is that the dynamics of personal relationships she entered into were not a matter of profit and loss; those sacrifices she made did not play in her favor ; in fact, they enslaved her even more.

Three months after she formally proposed to always support others in everything and help in any way she could, Tania said she was very happy. But a few weeks later, she had her first anxiety attack. What had happened?

The Trap of Eternal Pleasure

During the months when Tania decided to work hard for her friends and family, she learned a culture of hard work that she had been alienated from for most of her life. In the process, however, there was another learning that permeated her thinking, albeit in a much more subtle and unconscious way. This learning was the habit of interpreting any personal desire as an excuse not to make an effort for the rest .

But that feeling of guilt that comes out of nowhere, that makes some people enter into a dynamic of asking for forgiveness for continuing to exist, becomes, curiously, something we use to avoid the most important responsibility: deciding what to do with one’s life. And the fact is that, although it may seem a lie, always attending to the demands of others can become a patch we put on so that we do not have to see our own needs that scare us. In Tania’s case, a failed relationship had left her with such damaged self-esteem that she did not feel encouraged enough to take herself seriously . In a situation like this, becoming a labourer to polish the finish of others’ lives may seem like a demanding option, but at least it is something simple, something that can be done mechanically.

The worst thing was not that Tania began to judge herself in a more cruel way for no apparent reason; the worst thing was that the people around her also “caught” this idea and began to assume that they deserved all the attention and efforts of the one who was her friend, her daughter, her sister or her partner, depending on the case.

A small community had been formed that, at the same time, asked to be attended individually by a woman who could not refuse practically anything . The possibility of doing anything other than constantly giving in had disappeared. At first it would have been much easier for her to get out of this dynamic, but once everyone had internalized this image of Tania as an “always helpful person”, it became a trap that she could only get out of with the help of therapy.

To always please the other is to please no one

To always sacrifice oneself for others is a double loss. On the one hand, we lose ourselves, because we treat our own body as if it were a machine that has to work until it breaks down, and on the other hand, we lose the ability to decide if and how we want to act; simply, we are forced to always opt for the option that apparently benefits the other person the most , even if we then try to make up for the situation by inventing supposed advantages for ourselves.

However, if those people knew what was really going on in our heads , they would prefer everything to go back to normal. That no one would have decided to bet everything on the card of self-sacrifice.

In the long run, betting everything on the need to satisfy the rest consists of creating a false image of the expectations that others place on us, so that, based on our actions, we can make those expectations become a reality little by little.

After all, anyone who acts as if he feels guilty about something may actually be guilty about something and therefore we should demand more of him. On the other hand, someone who gets used to always acting like a martyr ends up believing in the original sin, something for which he must eternally pay regardless of whether it really happened or not.

Training assertiveness and learning self-respect is the only way to avoid blurring the line between bearable and unbearable sacrifices. The true sacrifices, the most honest ones, are those that are taken from the freedom that gives you the power to say “No”.