Much has changed in the world since a century ago, but unfortunately there are still many remnants of the deeply macho culture that until not so long ago dominated our society.

This can also be seen in the area of relationships, where too often the irrationality of love is mixed with the irrationality of a gender role system in which the male gender is more likely to play a dominant role, directly or indirectly, over the other person.

Of course, this is not always the case, and many couples find that harmony between their two members is perfectly healthy, but that doesn’t stop many women from becoming involved in the kind of toxic relationships that damage them almost daily, something that, according to the data on domestic violence, is less frequent in the case of men. They simply have an easier time assuming a dominant role or one in which they are not subject to the other person’s designs.

Related article: “The 30 Signs of Psychological Abuse in a Relationship”

Couples who treat each other as if they were an object

A good part of the harmful or uncomfortable and degrading experiences that can be generated in relationships are born from reification , that is, the tendency to treat someone as if they were an object , something without genuine motivations, without objectives and without a valid point of view in itself.

Reification is usually automatic and involuntary, and in the case of men, is favoured by a cultural heritage in which important decisions are taken by the male gender . Women can also treat a man as an object (and this often happens in certain contexts), but in the context of the couple it is less frequent because they are not predisposed to this cultural position.

Taking action

It is precisely because of the automatic and unconscious character of reification that it is not always easy to detect symptoms that harmful dynamics are taking place in a relationship, behaviours directed towards women (normally, but sometimes also towards men) that do not have to be supported and that it is important to make these pernicious and degrading behaviours stop .

Identifying Toxic Behaviors

The following are some guidelines for detecting this type of problem and knowing how to distinguish it from what is “normal and expected” in a healthy relationship.

1. The systematic shouting

Everyone can shout when they are angry or when they are especially emotional, but also men can use shouting systematically to impose their point of view and show their potential for violence in an indirect way.

This is noticeable when you notice the other person shouting for no reason at all that a contrary point of view is being expressed, or just at the beginning of discussions where no reason for anger has yet been given. If this is repeated systematically, it is quite possible that the shouting is being used in an intimidating way.

2. Insults

In relationships, there are no reasons that can justify an insult . Of course, there are cases and cases, and sometimes some derogatory comments can be used as a joke to comment on behaviour that is funny.

However, insults with connotations of contempt or in a situation of anger are a serious symptom, as they are still a totally unacceptable verbal aggression.

3. The eternal condescension

Treating the partner as if he/she were a minor and had no criteria basically means that the other person is believed to lack the characteristics that define an adult. Unjustifiable condescension is a way of indirectly underestimating the other person.

We must distinguish this type of behavior from those that are aimed at teaching a person a subject or skill that they do not master, because they are very specific. However, condescension is a type of attitude that is present regardless of the topic around which the conversation revolves.

4. The continuous lies

Honesty is one of the basic ingredients in relationships, so lies are doubly serious in them. If the cheating becomes recurrent, something is really wrong.

5. Infidelity

Being sexually attracted to people outside of a couple or having a very intimate relationship with other people for whom you might be attracted is not always love infidelity; there are polyamorous relationships, after all. However, in monogamous relationships, which are usually the norm, it is very important not to break the consensus about the commitments that each member of the relationship must make .

We must bear in mind that once the rules have been broken and an infidelity has been committed, it is easier to repeat the offence. The fact that men tend to have more intense sexual impulses is no excuse, since relationships of this kind are based on symmetry: both partners must abide by the same rules so that the relationship is not undermined.

6. Mocking one’s own tastes

Spending a lot of time together also means getting to know each other’s tastes and hobbies. One way in which you can show condescension towards the other person is by making disparaging comments about the other person’s style of music, hobbies or cultural tastes .

If these jokes are always repeated, they stop being funny comments (or not) and become a way of making clear one’s moral and intellectual superiority. This is toxic behaviour that should be avoided.

7. Classism

The jokes may also be about the socioeconomic origin of the couple : the economic level of their family or the land they come from, especially if it is associated to a rural or poor environment.

Constantly remembering the other person’s humble origins is to imply that it is the couple who have “rescued” them from that environment, and therefore, can give rise to the idea that they owe them a debt.

8. Threats and physical aggressions

There is very little to say about this section: blows and attempts to scare are a reason to immediately break off the relationship and take legal action. They are not justifiable in any way.

Recommended article: “The cycle of violence in relationships”

9. When it is assumed that the woman must take care of the house

There is no excuse that can justify that a woman should take care of the domestic tasks just because she is a woman . What is expected is that both members of the couple take care of these functions equally, unless there are specific conditions that prevent it.

Believing that a woman’s natural space is the kitchen is the clearest example of a macho mentality, which is totally toxic.

10. Jealousy and unhealthy secrecy

If the couple tries to dominate the way the other person spends his or her time alone (or with friends), he or she is becoming more than a couple and becomes a jailer.Jealousy is a problem that is fundamentally individual.

You may also be interested in: “Sickly jealousy: 10 signs of overly jealous people”