Most couples see fidelity as one of the foundations on which a love relationship is built. Therefore, it is not strange that one of the main reasons why couples come to psychological therapy is to overcome infidelity .

Psychologists’ opinions: questions and answers about infidelity

Today we have the collaboration of Rosario Linares and Irene Gomez, both psychologists from El Prado Psychologos, one of the most important psychology centres in Madrid, to help us understand why infidelities occur, what consequences this has on the relationship between the couple and its members, and what the psychological treatment in these cases consists of. We will explore this subject through questions and answers about infidelity .

1. For what reasons is one unfaithful?

Behind infidelity there is always a weak point in the relationship, either due to dissatisfaction with the partner (conflicts, lack of communication, not feeling loved, lack of passion, fear of commitment, etc.), although there are also cases where the problem is not the partner himself, but the person who is unfaithful.

There are people who are unfaithful in a compulsive way , no matter who they are with, due to a personal problem, either a lack of self-esteem (they may seek to reaffirm themselves through conquest) or they may be addicted to sex or have paraphilias (strange sexual behaviours) that they try to satisfy outside their partner. There are also people with narcissistic personalities for whom the concept of betrayal does not exist, as they do not feel empathy for their partner or people who, due to their emotional immaturity, do not want to give up anything, and put their own pleasure before their commitment to their partner.

2. Does the infidel always feel guilty?

Among unfaithful people there are two types, those who feel guilty and those who do not, the degree of awareness of why they have been unfaithful varies from one person to another, but what happens to those who feel guilty is that despite knowing the reason why they have been unfaithful they ask themselves why, since they do not understand how they have been able to endanger their relationship.

There is a part of them that has wanted to be unfaithful and another part that has not, the part that does not want to be unfaithful is the one that asks why I have done it. In the second case, they justify themselves and they are clear about their motives, and they don’t feel guilty, they just worry that their partner won’t find out. In the latter case, guilt may appear when they are discovered, as they become aware of the consequences of their actions and the damage they have caused to the other person.

3. How does a relationship change after an infidelity is known?

After an infidelity is known there is a before and after. At first there is an emotional tsunami, after that the relationship may end in a break-up or the person may decide to continue with the other person, but if the relationship is continued without forgiving the other person, sooner or later the relationship will most likely deteriorate so much that it will end in a break-up. Knowing about infidelity affects above all the trust that one has in the other person from then on, and the image that one has of him or her. Many times the person who has discovered infidelity, even though he or she decides to continue, moves away emotionally from the other person. Jealousy and control over the couple can also be established from this moment on.

4. Can all couples overcome an infidelity?

94% of couples therapists believe that couples can overcome infidelity according to a survey conducted in the UK.
Many, but not all, couples can overcome infidelity, depending on the attitude one takes upon learning of the infidelity. If, after going through an initial phase of anger, we cling to the pain and what we do is use infidelity as a weapon and resentment towards the other person is established the relationship deteriorates and it is easy for it to end in a break-up .

There are many couples who overcome an infidelity, although many times the infidelity does not transcend outside the couple and we do not get to know this fact, but there are more couples than we think. Although most people think that they would not forgive an infidelity, when it happens they change their mind, since they value the positive aspects of the relationship and the love they have for the other person or the children they have in common, for example, weighs more heavily.

5. What do couples have in common that after discovering an infidelity they decide to go to a therapist to overcome it?

Most couples who come to the clinic for infidelity come with a very deteriorated emotional state , on many occasions, one or both members have doubts about whether a possible separation would be best and see therapy as a last resort or as a decision-making process about whether to continue the relationship or not.

6. What is the process of regaining trust in each other?

In order to restore trust, it is first necessary to ask for forgiveness in a sincere way. The process of asking for forgiveness involves recognizing that what one did caused harm or offended the other, truly feeling the other’s pain, analyzing one’s own behavior, defining a plan of action so that it does not happen again , committing oneself to rebuilding the couple, asking explicitly for forgiveness of the other, and restoring the damage caused . In therapy, it is important to have a deep understanding of the history of the couple’s relationship in order to analyze all the factors that influenced the occurrence of infidelity. It is essential that the couple reach agreements on changes in order to prevent possible risk situations for the couple

7. What dynamics are worked on in the different sessions?

In couples therapy we work a lot on empathy. One of the techniques, for example, would be role reversal where both members make the effort to put themselves in the other’s shoes. In all couples therapy, communication, positive exchanges and negotiations are very important aspects.

In the particular case of infidelity, when both members of the couple have suffered disappointments, it is useful to make a list of grievances where each member of the couple makes a list of the situations in which they have felt wronged by the other. Next to each grievance, you write down which specific act of redress your partner would serve to turn the page , during the next session you comment on the two lists and plan how to carry out the redress.

8. What issues does everyone have to work on/reinforce, both the one who has been unfaithful and the one who has been cheated?

It is important that both members commit themselves to do their part to overcome the situation, on the part of the person who has been deceived it is important that he or she allows the other person to repair the damage and initiate change, the person who has deceived must commit to following the process to regain the trust of the other previously mentioned.

9. Is it equally complex to go through this process in pairs for both of you?

Usually it is hard for both, for the person who has been cheated it is difficult to get out of the reproach and accusation and to trust again while for the person who has cheated it can be difficult to repair the relationship and to cope with the guilt.

10. Do you really get to forgive and “forget” an infidelity?

Forgetting can never be done, forgiving the damage and repairing it is possible, but it is a process that requires time, effort and the commitment of both partners