Emotional codependence is a very harmful symptom for relationships, because when one’s happiness depends on other people, one stops being who one really is and is not able to express one’s true self. Emotional codependence, just like emotional dependence, is synonymous with toxic relationships.

That is why it is good to know how to manage this phenomenon where it occurs; after all, our well-being is at stake.

Difference between emotional codependence and emotional dependence

Many individuals think that emotional dependence and emotional codependence are synonymous. But is it really so? Nothing could be further from the truth. Emotional dependence and emotional codependence, while related, are different concepts.

The dependent person is one who, because of dysfunctional personality characteristics, depends on another person to be happy, and uses that person to fill the void he or she feels in his or her life. He is unable to turn back even though his situation is conflicting and has no future. Emotional dependence occurs in one of the partners , but the other does not have to be dependent. Dependent individuals manipulate their partner to benefit from their low autonomy, their lack of empowerment and their low self-esteem.

However, emotional codependency takes place when one partner is “addicted” to the dependency of his or her partner and therefore to the need to help him or her and be concerned about his or her well-being.

Codependency is not altruistic behavior

The codependent person is a sort of quieter controller and manipulator , who spends all his time trying to get what he thinks his partner needs. In this attempt to protect the other person he stops being himself.

Your intention may seem altruistic, but it really isn’t. Codependent relationships are not healthy relationships and have a negative effect on the happiness of the person who is codependent and the partner, but it also affects their work, their health and even other interpersonal relationships.

Symptoms of this type of dependency in the couple

Emotional codependence is a relational style that needs to be corrected , and is a way of thinking in which the person has the belief that he or she must sacrifice his or her well-being for others, regardless of the consequences.

Co-dependent persons have a series of characteristics or signals that must be detected for the proper functioning of the relationship. They are the following:

1. feel responsible for their partner’s feelings

Co-dependent people spend all their energy to satisfy their partner’s needs and are constantly making sacrifices in their relationship. Although it is not bad to do some acts of love for your partner and help him/her when he/she is having a hard time, there should always be a balance.

Although the partner of the codependent person may be dependent and have low self-esteem, the codependent person does everything possible for the partner, leaving aside his or her own needs.

2. They are driven by the emotional rather than the rational part

In reality, codependent people do not have the capacity to solve their lover’s problems , but they let themselves be carried away more by the emotional than by the rational part. They have a deficit in their interpersonal relationships, for example, in terms of assertiveness; and despite sacrificing their well-being for the other, they do not achieve their purpose because they are not mentally strong people.

3. feel used and victimized when things don’t go well

Because their behavior is not altruistic, co-dependent people often feel used and unappreciated for everything they do for their partner. The codependent will use a great deal of energy to take charge of another’s life , all under the guise of altruism and wanting to help in a sincere way. When help or advice is ignored or not appreciated, the codependent feels angry and mistreated.

Thus, it is common to resort to emotional blackmail, as a desperate attempt to keep the bonds that hold the relationship together. Unfortunately, this strategy not only causes discomfort in the other person; it also achieves the opposite effect to that intended, since it is clear that it is a form of manipulation, often even when you agree to do what the other person wants and it seems that in the short term this strategy has had an effect.

4. Have unclear boundaries

These types of individuals take everything personally, since the boundaries of emotional codependency are unclear. The boundaries are a kind of imaginary line between the members of the couple, in which each one knows how far he has to go in order not to hurt the other.

This makes sense, for example, for intimate relationships or belonging, but also in feelings, thoughts and needs. In this sense, they have unclear boundaries. On the one hand they give everything for their partner, but on the other hand they blame them and throw everything in their face at the slightest change.

5. They are controlling

Co-dependent people use manipulation or blame to control the behaviour of others. These tactics may be unconscious, but in the end the emptiness and the need to feel useful makes you a controlling person, who constantly seeks to offer help even if the other person doesn’t need it. Therefore he does not actually offer real help, but seeks to satisfy his own needs through this seemingly altruistic behaviour.

6. They are obsessive

Codependent individuals spend too much time thinking about other people and how they will be . All this is caused by their dependence, their anxiety and their fears. They may also become obsessed when they think they have made or might have made a mistake, because they value themselves negatively and do not tolerate frustration.

Thus, one of the central elements of these people’s mental state is anticipatory anxiety.

7. Have low self-esteem

Being assessed negatively is frequent in this type of individuals. One of the main causes of this phenomenon is that they have low self-esteem. They are people who, in addition to being codependent, are dependent on the situation and fear rejection, as they do not feel comfortable with themselves .

8. Poor social skills

They are also people who do not usually have highly developed social skills and therefore channel much of their energy into a single individual. Helping others is positive, but in this context of social skills deficit, providing help becomes a great dependency that aims to feel valued and appreciated .

9. Deny reality

They are people who tend to deny reality, especially when faced with problems of the couple and the relationship . Although they are very concerned about helping their lover and pay a lot of attention to him or her, they have a poor capacity for problem solving.

10. They get caught in a toxic relationship

Due to low self-esteem, these individuals are often trapped in an unsatisfactory and toxic relationship, even though they are aware that it does not benefit them. Codependent people spend too much time trying to change their partner , because in reality they are the ones who have a problem to change.

11. Not emotionally intelligent

These individuals lie to themselves and apologize for the misbehavior of others. Since they avoid their own feelings and have a poor capacity for self-knowledge and reflection, they develop techniques to lie to themselves about the behaviour of others.

They do not know themselves, nor do they regulate their emotions or have good communication skills. In short, they are not emotionally intelligent.