According to William Worden, a member of the American Psychological Association, grief is “the experience of the person who has lost a loved one” (Worden, 2004). It has other meanings, since we can go through a grieving process even when we lose a partner, a job or our health. However, the most common definition is that which refers to the death of someone important to us .

Facing a duel requires time and involves intense emotions in the mourner. But, also, for those around him. Accompanying the grieving process is not an easy task , as each person faces losses in a different way.

Key ideas on accompanying people in grief

On many occasions, doubts arise as to whether one is being helpful or whether something more could be done for the family member or friend who has suffered the loss . Although there are no recipes, and the best thing is always to ask the person directly what they need, there are some aspects that we can take into account in the task of accompanying those who suffer from psychological grief.

1. The importance of our gaze

There are many ways to approach someone who is suffering : from a descriptive and analytical perspective, from the fear of saying or doing something that is not appropriate, from a position of advisor… In order to help someone who is going through a grief, we have to be willing to experience and share with that person any emotion, feeling or belief that appears, without judgment, theories or recommendations.

There’s more to looking at the other one than seeing him. It has to do with approaching him from curiosity, empathy and respect . This is the only way to make it easier for the person in mourning to get in touch with their emotions and put into words what is happening to them. Only in this way will they feel heard and safe.

2. The value of being there

Sometimes we ask ourselves again and again what to do and what to say to alleviate the suffering of those we love. It is worth asking ourselves if we are giving more importance to dealing with being . Maybe others just need us to be present and available.

But… what does it mean to be there? Being there means providing emotional and physical support. It requires us to be able to contain, hold and comfort when emotions arise. But, also, that we are capable of asking for more pragmatic aspects, without anticipating and without interfering in the routine and way of facing our loved one .

3. Our role as accompaniers

Accompanying a mourner is not an easy task. It is an act of love, in which we observe the suffering of another person and accept to be involved in it so that he or she does not go through it alone .

It is fundamental to remember that this process belongs only to the mourner, although the companion acts as a catalyst, that is, he or she favours the progress of the mourning without having a leading role.

To fulfil this function, the importance of allowing emotional expression and providing instrumental support in specific aspects of daily life has already been described. Other ways of helping can be to foster memories of the deceased (thus preventing it from becoming a taboo subject), to instil hope, and to help the grieving person make day-to-day decisions and acquire, at their own pace, an active stance as the protagonist of their life.

4. What the mourner plays: emptiness, forgetting identity and meaning

The person who has just lost a loved one faces a borderline situation in which he or she may suffer a crisis of values and even of identity . It is worth noting that not all people experience the loss with this intensity, being more likely after traumatic or unexpected deaths.

The person who survives the deceased has to accept the death of a loved one and learn to manage the anguish of the loss. In many ways, even in everyday life, a sense of emptiness may arise, related to those tasks or activities that the deceased was responsible for or shared with him/her.

In addition, the fear of forgetting appears, requiring the mourner to reformulate the meaning of the memory and move from a sensory memory to one that projects the imprint of the loved one into the future and gives meaning to his or her days.

5. The paradoxes of the encounter

Just as we need to share our experiences with others in order to move through them, sometimes we also need our own space. Grieving people may incur contradictions in relation to their desire to be isolated and their desire, not incompatible, to be accompanied. It is important to frame these situations within the context of grief, without taking them personally.

6. Own limits

Last but not least, we have to talk about the needs of the companion. Getting involved in the other person’s pain can remove unresolved aspects of oneself or lead to a great emotional drain. For this reason, one should not stop being connected to oneself and know how to stop, clear up and manage the level of involvement.

If you detect that there are aspects that exceed what is considered normal grief (or what we feel we are capable of handling) it is advisable to ask for help from the appropriate professionals.

Bibliographic references:

– Viktor E. Frankl Association. (2014). Mourning and meaning: Meaning and value in loss. Barcelona, Spain: Sello Editorial.
– Devine, M. (2019, 4 February). How to help a grieving friend – Refuge In Grief. Retrieved 22 December, 2019, from https://www.refugeingrief.com/helper-overview/
– Worden, J. W. (2004). The treatment of grief: psychological counselling and therapy. (2nd ed.). Barcelona, Spain: Paidós.