Relationships are often contexts in which all emotions are magnified. Often the emotional impact of an apparently banal event is much more powerful than in any other situation and type of interaction.Love simply makes our emotional side take over much of our behavior, for better or for worse.

That’s why it’s very important to learn how to solve those absurd discussions that occur within the relationship , so that they don’t leave a mark on our way of thinking about (and interacting with) the other person.

Distinguishing between absurd and unreasonable disputes

Now, the first thing we have to do to prevent these problems is to analyze to what extent the history of arguments with our partner is full of disputes that, indeed, are absurd if analyzed with a certain coldness once they have passed .

How can we distinguish nonsensical discussions from those that are not? To do this we must ask ourselves to what extent arguments and moments of discomfort are due or not to communication. If a reasonable explanation for a large part of these discussions can be based on a problem of communication and expectations, there are many numbers of them that are “silly” discussions, in the sense that what produces them is a deficit of communication and a wrong perception of things.

It may be difficult to reach this conclusion, but we have a powerful tool for it: the opinions of others . Other people, whose interests are not compromised by the existence of our relationship and who have seen first-hand much of the discussions we have had and the reasons for them, will help us to have as objective a view of the subject as possible.

We must combine this resource with a sincere and honest effort on our part to coldly analyze what has been happening to us, and the situations that have been giving rise to the disputes.

Avoiding Toxic Relationships

What if, after this stage of reviewing past discussions, we conclude that the fundamental problem is not communication? Several things can happen: either we make a mistake, which is always possible, or the communication problems are the consequence of other more serious problems related or not to our relationship, or we are living one of the so-called toxic relationships .

Toxic relationships are those in which there are serious structural problems in the functioning of the relationship : problems that are very difficult to correct and that seriously harm the well-being of one or both people. This generic category also includes those relationships in which there is clear abuse and an unequal power relationship in which one person dominates the other. To learn more about toxic relationships you can read this article.

Preventing Meaningless Discussions

At this point, we already know that silly arguments have too much impact on our relationship, so we are interested in preventing them from happening again .

We also know that this is a problem that can be solved, even in the medium and long term, because unlike what happens in toxic relationships, what produces it is not something structural, but rather superficial and can be corrected by learning and unlearning certain behaviors. These are precisely the keys to avoiding silly arguments between couples presented below.

Keys to avoid this type of discussion

These are some principles to follow in the mission of making the life of a couple enter into another dynamic of relationships, another phase.

Even if what you want to correct is not part of the core of the relationship and cannot be associated with a toxic relationship, that does not mean that managing it is an easy task, because this is a mission in which both partners have to be involved. Therefore, the optimum would be to reinforce the application of these keys with couples’ therapy sessions .

1. The first contact

We start from a situation where there is an asymmetry: we want to start preventing and managing more or less systematically the absurd couple’s arguments, but the other person does not know it yet. The first step in a project based on improving communication between two people is obviously to communicate it to them. And to do this, it is necessary to take advantage of a moment of calm, in which the mood of both is good and the corresponding signs of affection are possible. It is also necessary to make sure that there is enough time to talk .

In this way, the two components of the relationship will associate the beginning of this plan with that pleasant context in which it began to take its first steps, and will interpret this initiative as what it is : a mission based on good will and on the re-establishment of strong and solid emotional ties . On the other hand, if we start this phase during or just after a discussion, the other person will most likely adopt a defensive attitude.

The explanation should be simple, honest and communicated spontaneously, without following a rigid script, so that the non-verbal language is fully adapted to what is being said.

2. Examining past situations

Once the first step has been taken, and immediately afterwards if possible , it is advisable to recall together past absurd discussions and to talk about one’s own point of view and what one thought one saw at that moment. This will make us learn things we didn’t know about how the other person sees the relationship, and what are his expectations and the elements he values most.

If this first talk is about motivations that might interest both partners equally, the simple fact of having had such a dialogue for the first time is in itself very beneficial.

3. Avoiding reproaches

In the memory of the past discussions, there is a danger that the two components of a couple have to avoid: falling into reproaches .

This does not mean that we cannot express things that at the time made us angry (in fact, it is advisable to do so), but that we have to pay attention to the way we communicate them so that they do not sound like a display of revenge in which we mainly seek to make the other person regret it and acknowledge that we are right. That is, it is a matter of form, not content .

4. Scheduling relationship status talks

At this point, it is possible that you have been talking about it for quite some time, so it is best to end the first talk .

However, at the end of this first session (since it is a self-therapy session, however improvised and informal it may be) both partners must commit to spending a moment again to talk about how they perceive the relationship , to give their point of view on possible real or potential conflicts, etc.

5. Giving up the internet as a means of communicating much

One of the measures to be implemented is, directly, to reach an agreement to use the internet only to communicate the essential and the most objective . Displays of affection sent through a chat may be fine if they are simple, but they should not be part of an overly elaborate discourse. Real communication should be reserved only for situations where the dialogue is face-to-face.

The aim of this is to eliminate spaces where communication is ambiguous when we are learning to adopt the other person’s point of view. Later, when it is perceived that the absurd discussions have subsided, the chats can be used again without restrictions.

6. Creating action protocols

In one of these talks protocols can be set up to carry out those discussions that we think are based on nothing , that is, on the lack of dialogue. For example, it can consist of a simple gesture. However, in order not to diminish the value of this symbol, a firm commitment is needed not to use this as a resource to escape from discussions based on something serious.