Relationships may be characterized as being based on an intimate bond between two people, but that does not mean that there is no room for ambiguity. This can be clearly seen when conflicts arise: many times, anger is not expressed in a direct way, but in a passive-aggressive way, only giving information that allows to identify what is happening.

But anger within a relationship is not the only type of negative situation that can be expressed in a disguised way. Where there is verbal abuse, it can also be so subtle that, once it becomes a habit, it is difficult to recognize as such. In other words, many times situations of psychological abuse become normalized. In the following we will see exactly how this type of verbal aggression, which is difficult to recognize, can occur .

How do you recognize the types of verbal aggression in the relationship?

Next we will see the main types of verbal aggression in a couple’s relationship, and how to identify them.

Knowing how to detect each one of them is important, because it allows us to detect situations that should not be tolerated and that in the long run can create a relational dynamic characterized by the dominance of one person over another.

1. Mocking the other person’s family context

Sometimes, a person’s origin can be instrumentalized to try to hurt them, especially if they come from a humble environment or associated with the countryside. Thus, small mentions of the fact that the other person spent his childhood in a small town without an Internet connection, for example, can often only make sense in the context of an offense .

This kind of subtle verbal aggression is aimed at disqualifying the other person in a simple way and without having to argue anything; basically, it consists of creating a stigma that can be used at the most opportune moments, even before friends or family.

2. Draw attention to the attractiveness of others

Directly expressing attraction to another person is, in many cases, another example of aggression which, while not always verbal, is psychological. Where is the limit for knowing if it is admissible? Easy: unless it has been clearly established beforehand that this kind of behaviour is allowed, it is.

In fact, this type of expression of feelings may be primarily aimed at undermining a couple’s self-esteem, because even if you find yourself attractive to another person, this does not oblige you to express it openly. What you get by giving these unwanted opinions is a clear message: “you’re not so special after all”.

3. Reading the mind

This type of verbal aggression consists of constantly repeating the straw man’s fallacy in order to make fun of the other person. For example, we can offer a caricatured version of the other person’s motivations , of their ways of thinking and of their fundamental beliefs, not to explain something, but simply to use the mockery and to place themselves in a situation of power in the face of, for example, a decision that should be taken jointly (there is a reason why they are in a couple).

4. Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a type of subtle verbal aggression that goes beyond words. On the one hand, it serves to expose the idea that the other person should make special efforts to maintain the relationship, as if only one partner had the duty to keep it together. On the other hand, it introduces guilt in the other to manipulate their behavior from their own remorse.

5. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is deliberately lying to make the other person doubt his or her own mental capabilities. Not only is the truth hidden under lies, but the other person is placed in a situation of psychological distress, sometimes almost hypochondriacal, simply in order to manipulate it. That is why, in order to detect this kind of situation, it is necessary to work on self-esteem and build a realistic self-concept , as well as having a third opinion.

6. Deliberately ignore

This type of verbal aggression is characterized precisely by selective verbality, that is, speaking only to say certain things, and keeping quiet for the majority, without giving an explanation. In certain aspects it can be considered a type of gaslighting , and it is a type of abuse because it does not even offer the possibility of understanding what causes the anger (real or pretended) of the person doing it, which takes away all constructive characteristics and only leaves the negative.

7. Using the false dichotomy

The false dichotomy makes it possible to situate others far from the “correct” moral category simply because, on the basis of a totally biased criterion, it can be said that they occupy an attitude or opinion of their own that is ethically unacceptable.

An extreme and almost cartoonish version of this would be to try to make the other person feel bad about their eating habits by pointing out that “Hitler was a vegetarian too. Even if this is true, it doesn’t tell us anything about why being a vegetarian is wrong, it simply relates in a crude way to something that we ethically want to get away from. It is a strategy of manipulation so crude that, in practice, it shows a clear lack of respect and courage to manipulate .