Dating is always a potential trigger for stress and anxiety. The need to like the other person and to avoid rejection , play tricks on us making us forget about our values and ourselves.

Assertiveness to improve communication

Having an assertive communication will help us to be able to show ourselves in an adequate way avoiding falling into servitude and unattractive attitudes and behaviours that make us weak and submissive. We will be able, therefore, to communicate much better and get to connect emotionally with the person in front of us.

But what is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a type of communication in which the person does not attack or submit to the will of others; a way of expressing oneself adequately and consistently within the context and with oneself. It is useful to defend our ideas and rights without hurting or harming others, always acting from the security in oneself.

We will then give you nine tips that will help you communicate assertively on your dates and help you have the success and confidence you need to make your dates a comfortable context in which to build a healthy, quality relationship.

Get to know yourself

To start communicating what we like and what we don’t like, it is very important to know what we like and what we don’t like. Although, it seems obvious, we often let ourselves be carried away by others and our impulsiveness, without taking into account our attitude and our values. A good exercise to start reflecting is to make a list; in the right column we put the things we like and in the left column the things we dislike.

2. Don’t limit yourself

Having a belief system that works in our favor will help us relate to others in a positive way. Being distrustful will limit us and cause a permanent feeling of stress. We have to look for ways to feel good about ourselves in order to be good about others. Finding ways of thinking that do not make us fall into negativity and pessimism will help us overcome our social fear and make us more extroverted and overcome shyness.

3. What do you want to do?

It’s fair to think what we feel like doing. Trying to make our date happy will only make us forget about ourselves in a negative way and show us weak and servile. It is important to reach consensus . Let’s not forget that we have to be comfortable. We should not confuse this with selfishness; it is simply a matter of not being unhappy in one place or doing an activity that we don’t really like. After all, all we are doing is taking responsibility for ourselves. We have to take it as a negotiation, never as an imposition.

4. Don’t hold back

If we don’t like something, it’s good to say it without fear. It’s much worse to be silent and restrained. It’s okay to disagree with someone. On the contrary, expressing our opinions and values in an open way will help us to show ourselves as we are and will give us confidence in ourselves . We don’t have to be afraid to express our tastes, whether they are musical, cinematic or about botany. All this information will also be useful for the other person and will serve as a guide to treat us better and with greater assertiveness.

5. Talk about how you feel

If at some point we have been upset or have felt bad about some comment or action, it is good to comment on it, not to throw it in the face, but so that the mistake does not happen again and to avoid future problems . We have the right to be pleased and not to feel attacked.

6. Active listening

Paying attention to what the other person is telling us will help us to know how to treat them. But it is not only important to pay attention to the information transmitted. The tone of voice, will give us information about the emotional state of the person. There are many ways of saying I love you; it is not the same as being told by shouting or by whispering. The way they tell us things will help us understand what they want to say.

7. Live and let live

There has to be reciprocity in the deal. Everyone has the right to be treated well and that means that we are somehow obliged to treat others well. We must respect the tastes and opinions of our date and, if we don’t like them, we must learn to communicate them without offending or attacking the other person.

8. Look, think, express an opinion

The cornerstone of assertive communication and of any communication, lies in knowing how to adapt the message to the person who is going to receive it. Observing the behaviour of others , and reading their non-verbal language correctly, will help us to know what they are like and we will learn to know when and how to say things. We are not sentencing machines. Showing our opinion and communicating it in a way that is appropriate to the context and to our relationship with the interlocutor will be the most effective way of not falling into aggression or imposition and we will make them feel comfortable, and we will be creating a framework of trust.

9. Apologize

Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes, we’ll offend unintentionally. It’s okay to make a cordial apology. Humans are not perfect machines, we make mistakes just like cats and panda bears. If at some point we don’t act assertively, it’s okay. Apologizing sincerely , playing down our mistake, will help others realize that we are human. In this way, apologizing for the mistakes of others will help us to be more assertive and confident because others are human like us.

Conclusions

In short, we need not be afraid to say our opinions as long as we show them consistently without imposing anything on anyone. We have the right to be treated well and to act on our demands. Positive thoughts will help us overcome shyness and make us lose our fear of being judged and having to defend ourselves from others. Observing others and knowing how to treat them will facilitate our communication and help us to give our opinion without fear of offending or being judged.