We all feel tormented at some point by some decision to make : to stay in a relationship or not, to quit a job, to get married, to have a child, etc.

At other times, we know what we have to do (stop drinking, go out more often and meet people, eat healthier, establish more intimate relationships) but we don’t make up our minds, that is, we don’t commit ourselves to doing it. Sometimes we realize that our way of being is hurting us (we leave things for later or work too much, we are not very loving or too demanding) but we do not know how to make the change .

Related article: “The 8 Types of Decisions”

The importance of making good decisions

This internal struggle and indecision is painful and exhausting . The worst thing is that it slows down our growth and paralyzes us. The decision we leave for later always comes back to bite us, one way or another.

I write this post based on the teachings of the brilliant psychiatrist Dr. Irvin Yalom .

An example for understanding how we make decisions

Let’s take the example of a fictitious case that will serve us for the whole post.

Alejandra: ” Leave my boyfriend or stay with him?”

Alejandra is a 30 year old girl who works in an advertising company. She has been with her boyfriend for several years, however she has doubts about leaving the relationship. She feels that things are not the same, and that they do not have important values in common , she believes that they have become disrespectful to each other, and that distrust has increased due to rumors she has heard and she fears that they are true.

She feels that she must take her future seriously and think if he is the man of her life, she herself fantasizes about meeting another man and has begun to be cold. Lately they have seen each other very little and fights are too frequent. She is tormented by the decision she has to make to stay with her boyfriend or to leave him? .

Irvin D. Yalom explains the 4 reasons that explain the difficulty of making decisions

Yalom describes that there are 4 main reasons why we find it difficult to make a decision. As you read, reflect on whether any of these reasons apply to you. There may be several!

In our example, Alejandra may find it difficult to decide to break up with her boyfriend because that means that only she can make the decisions in her life, only she can choose and no matter how much she wants to, it is not possible to ask someone else to make them for her .

First reason: we do not decide because we are afraid of being responsible for our decisions.

When we are choosing, we realize that only we can decide and therefore everything depends on us . Our life is our responsibility. This can serve to live a more authentic and fulfilled life, but it can also give us anxiety and lead us to become paralyzed, in this case, to avoid making decisions.

When we are faced with a crucial decision it is normal to be afraid, we are directly deciding our destiny and that is why, as I will write in the second part of the post , sometimes we try to coerce other people to make the decision for us .

  • Have you stopped making a decision for fear of making a mistake?

In our example, Alejandra may find it difficult to break up with her boyfriend because she gives up a lifetime of possibilities with him , all the fantasies she had and feels nostalgic about the romantic and intimate memories that would stain her with pain once the door was closed.

Second reason: we do not want to give up other possibilities.

For every yes, there must be a no. Deciding always means leaving something else behind .

Making decisions can be painful because we are giving up everything else, and sometimes it doesn’t come back. Although it may seem rash to say so, the more limited our options are, the closer we get to the end of our lives. No one wants to approach the end of existence, so sometimes we unconsciously avoid making decisions. When we are 18 we have a world of possibilities and options, when we reach 60 we have fewer crucial decisions to make. There are those who avoid making decisions in order to cling to the illusion that the possibilities are still unlimited. We do not want to give up this world of options . Making a decision always implies an opportunity cost.

Aristotle gave the example of a hungry dog who was presented with two equally delicious dishes of food, unable to make up his mind, still hungry and “starving”.

We find it so difficult to decide because on an unconscious level we refuse to accept the implications of giving up . If we see it that way, in our life we go from one renunciation to another, we renounce all the other couples, we renounce all the other jobs, we renounce all the other vacation places every time we decide.

  • Have you stopped deciding something for fear of what you’re giving up?

In our example, Alejandra may have an unpleasant feeling of guilt, where she can’t really understand why she feels this way about leaving her boyfriend, perhaps unconsciously feels she doesn’t have the right to make such decisions .

Third reason: we avoid making decisions so as not to feel guilty.

Yes, we often feel guilty when making decisions and this can totally paralyze the process of the will , as well as cause tremendous anxiety. Even if we know that we have the right to choose who we are with, even if we know that something or someone is not right for us, sometimes we cannot help but continue to feel guilty.

The psychologist Otto Rank gives a fascinating explanation as to why some people feel so much guilt when deciding : The will to do things (will and decision go totally hand in hand) is born in children as a counter-will. Adults often oppose children’s impulsive acts, and children develop the will to oppose the opposition. If children have parents who, unfortunately, crush their children’s will and spontaneous expression, the children become burdened with guilt and experience the decision as something “bad” and forbidden. They therefore grow up with a feeling that they do not have the right to choose or decide.

  • Have you stopped making a decision, even though you know it’s the right one, out of guilt?

In our example, Alejandra may find it difficult to decide to break up with her boyfriend because if she does it now it means that she could have done it from the beginning, in fact, she may never have had to go out with him, her intuition already told her that she was not the right person . This realization makes him feel (existential) guilt and therefore delays the decision so as not to feel it.

Fourth reason: we avoid making decisions so as not to think about all the things we could have done.

Existential guilt is different from traditional guilt where one feels bad for having done something wrong against another person.

Existential guilt has to do with a transgression against oneself, it comes from repentance , from the realization that one has not lived life as one wanted, that one has not taken advantage of the potential or all the opportunities one has had. Existential guilt can paralyze us a lot, a great decision can make us reflect on all that we have not done before, what we have sacrificed.

If we take responsibility for our life and make the decision to change, the implication is that we alone are responsible for the change and the mistakes made , and that we could have changed long ago. A 40 year old mature person who decides to stop smoking after 20 years of having this habit, realizes that he could have stopped smoking a long time ago. That is, if he can quit now, he could have quit two decades ago. That takes a lot of existential guilt. She may ask herself, “How could I not have quit smoking before? Maybe it would have saved me disease, criticism, money.”

This phrase from Yalom can help us here: “One of the ways – perhaps the only way – to deal with guilt (whether the violation is towards other people or towards oneself) is through atonement or reparation. One cannot go back to the past. One can only repair the past by altering the future.

  • Have you avoided making a decision not to look back?

In conclusion: why is making a decision so difficult? Because of the renunciation, anxiety and guilt that accompany decisions .

In the second part of the post we will analyze the ways in which we avoid making decisions, some of them are unconscious.

How do we avoid deciding on a day-to-day basis?

Since decisions are difficult and painful to make, it is not surprising that we humans find many methods to avoid making decisions.The most obvious method of not making a decision is procrastination, that is, procrastination, but there are other, much more subtle methods that involve deceiving oneself into thinking that others are making the decisions for us.

The most painful thing about choosing is the process, not the decision itself, therefore, if one is blind to the process, it hurts less . Therefore we have several tricks to make the decision process easier. These tricks are not always the best but they do save us anxiety.

How do we avoid the painful surrender when deciding?

1. Making an alternative look less attractive.

In our example, Alejandra has to decide between two options: to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship vs. to be single/feeling alone.

Both alternatives are equally painful, so the dilemma is solved if one of the two alternatives is more attractive , so she decides to go out with Francisco, a handsome and loving guy, this way the decision is much easier: To continue in an unsatisfactory relationship vs. being with her new loving and caring suitor. This arrangement works because Alejandra is no longer paralyzed and can decide, the downside of this situation is that she doesn’t learn much from the experience. It does not help her process her fear of loneliness nor does she understand why it took her so long to leave her boyfriend if she was unhappy. This is the classic case of “a nail pulling out a nail”, you could say that the nail helps to move but not to learn.

It may be that later on Alejandra will have problems with this new boyfriend and will find herself in the dilemma again. Therefore, if the decision is difficult because one is faced with two very similar alternatives, one usually uses a trick: fix the situation so that one gives up less .

2.Making the unchecked alternative look worse than it is.

In our example, Alejandra may begin to magnify her boyfriend’s shortcomings in order to leave him or to magnify the effects of being alone (she becomes an “old maid”, there are no more boys worth it, etc.) in order to excuse herself and continue in the relationship. Some people, when they hear a “no” usually say “I didn’t want to anyway”, although it is taken as a joke, this mechanism is very similar, it is a way to feel less pain.

As in the example of the dog that was starving because he couldn’t choose which food to eat because they both looked equally attractive, we find it difficult to make decisions when the two seem almost equivalent. From an unconscious level, we magnify the differences between two similar choices to make the decision less painful.

How do we avoid anxiety and guilt?

1. Delegating the decision to someone else.

Alejandra could start acting cold, indifferent and distant, her boyfriend will notice the change, he will try to do something but if he reaches a point of frustration and discouragement where his attitude remains the same, he will most probably be “forced” to leave her, however she will claim “my boyfriend cut me off” and will deceive herself thinking that it was not his decision.

Human beings are ambivalent about freedom, an attractive idea that offers us options but also frightens us because it confronts us with the fact that we are solely responsible for our happiness. U cannot avoid a decision by leaving it to someone else so that others can make the decision for us . Other examples of this trick:

  • Not setting an alarm clock to go for a walk, blaming your friend who was going to walk with you, who didn’t wake you up.
  • Shouting at the boss, arriving late, not finishing projects or underperforming, because you unconsciously want to be fired from your job.
  • Delegating the decision to something else.

Alejandra might decide to convince herself to stay with her boyfriend and get engaged because she is bound by society’s rules (which say she should be engaged at her age) or she might ask for an arbitrary signal to follow or break up.

Since ancient times, humanity has transferred decisions to external situations. How many times have we left the decision to fate or to a coin? I remember when I was a child, when I couldn’t decide between a packet of cookies or a piece of paper at a friend’s house, I would ask her to take it from behind and exchange it, while I would choose the right or left hand. The decision was not mine, I just chose right or left. Therefore, we delegated the decision a little more. For example:

  • Waiting until the last minute to buy tickets for a concert we don’t want to go to, blaming it on the fact that there are no more tickets available.

On the other hand, the rules, although convenient for the human being, in some cases indirectly help not to take responsibility for the decisions but also to diminish the anxiety. For example:

  • A teacher who, having left extra work for underperforming children in the past, refuses to give an extra assignment to a student he dislikes because “the rules” do not allow it, so if he misses the class, it was because he followed the guidelines.

In conclusion, to avoid deciding we leave things for later and avoid the feeling of renunciation by distorting the alternatives or pretending that something or someone else is deciding for us .

Important reflections

  • To avoid falling into these traps we must remember that we cannot not decide . This is impossible. Avoiding deciding is also a decision.
  • We can make decisions actively or passively . If we make decisions in an active way, it means that we are realizing that it is our decision and responsibility, and even in the face of fear, we take the step and choose. Making decisions actively increases our resources and personal power. If we make decisions passively, we may be delegating them to someone else, or downgrading the alternative. By making decisions passively, we are in danger of suffering from low self-esteem, self-criticism or self-loathing. What is important is not the decision we make, but that we make it actively.
  • When we are facing a stormy decision process, it is useful to ask ourselves what is the meaning of this decision? If we make a decision but cannot stick to it, for example, if Alejandra decides to leave her relationship but keeps in touch with her ex-boyfriend, calling him or answering his calls, etc. she has to face the fact that she has made another decision, which has its own meaning and benefit. So we focus not on the refusal to decide, but on the decision that WAS made, the decision to keep in touch with him. All decisions have their benefit. What is the meaning Alejandra gives to staying in touch with him? Not to suffer loneliness, to avoid anxiety, not to hurt her ego, to save her ex-boyfriend from his loneliness, etc. Then Alejandra can make an active decision and work on her life, her dependency, insecurity, her anxiety or fear of abandonment.

It is difficult to make decisions, it is scary, it is human to try to avoid making them . When we are tormented by a decision, let’s try to face the situation and be responsible for our decision in order to increase our personal power, coherence and maintain our self-esteem and self-worth.

Let’s make decisions actively . It helps a lot if we can understand why the decision is so difficult, what the hidden meaning or fear is and decide to work on it. Almost all of us have an idea of what we are afraid of, there are many resources to deal with this: being more aware of ourselves, looking for those loved ones who listen to us and support us, following a philosophy that for us is coherent and real, attending courses, reading books and/or starting a process of personal change (individual therapy, group therapy or coaching).