The loss of someone you love is one of the most painful psychological experiences. However, within this kind of painful experience there are nuances, different ways of living grief both emotionally and cognitively.

This idea was developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her theory of the five stages of grief, published in 1969 in the book “On death and dying”. This idea serves to better understand how people in mourning feel and how they tend to act.

The model of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist born in 1926 who specialized in palliative care and near-death situations. After working for years with terminally ill patients, she developed the famous Kübler-Ross model in which she establishes 5 stages of grief.

Although the name of this theory may seem to indicate otherwise, Kübler-Ross did not conclude that after the death of a loved one one one goes through five phases that always follow each other in order, in a sequential manner.

What this researcher did was, rather, to define five mental states that act as a reference to understand how the evolution of the mourner is produced, from the moment he knows that his loved one has died until he accepts this new situation.

This means that not all people in mourning have to go through the 5 stages , and that those who go through do not always appear in the same order. However, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross considered that these stages were useful as a system of categories to be able to conceptualize in a relatively simple way all the nuances of the way in which grief is managed, a phase that in some cases is expressed through emotional lability.

The 5 stages of grief

In summary, the 5 stages of grief after the death of someone loved are described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross as follows.

1. Stage of denial

Denying the reality that someone is no longer with us because he or she has died allows us to cushion the blow and to postpone some of the pain that this news causes us. Although it may seem an unrealistic option, it has its usefulness for our organism, as it helps to ensure that the change of mood is not so abrupt that it hurts us.

Denial can be explicit or non-explicit, that is, even if we express ourselves verbally by accepting the information that our loved one has died, in practice we behave as if that were a transitory fiction, that is, a role that we have to play without believing it completely.

In other cases, the denial is explicit, and the possibility of death is directly denied.

Negation cannot be sustained indefinitely , because it clashes with reality that has not yet been fully accepted, so we end up abandoning this stage.

2. Stage of anger

The anger and resentment that arise at this stage are the result of the frustration that comes from knowing that death has occurred and that nothing can be done to fix or reverse the situation.

Grief produces a deep sadness that we know cannot be relieved by acting on its cause, because death is not reversible. Furthermore, death is perceived as the result of a decision, and therefore culprits are sought . Thus, in this phase of the crisis what dominates is the disruption, the clash of two ideas (that life is desirable and that death is inevitable) with a very strong emotional charge, so it is easy for outbursts of anger to occur.

Thus, a strong sense of anger appears that is projected in all directions, as neither a solution nor someone who can be held completely responsible for the death can be found.

Even if a part of us knows it is unfair, anger is directed against people who are not to blame for anything, or even against animals and objects.

3. Negotiation stage

At this stage we try to create a fiction that allows us to see death as a possibility that we are in a position to prevent from happening. Somehow, offers the fantasy of being in control of the situation .

In negotiation, which can occur before death or after it, we fantasize about reversing the process and look for strategies to make that possible. For example, it is common to try to negotiate with divine or supernatural entities to keep death from occurring in exchange for changing one’s lifestyle and “reforming”.

In the same way, pain is relieved by imagining that we have gone back in time and that no life is in danger. But this stage is short because it doesn’t fit with reality either, and besides, it’s exhausting to be thinking about solutions all the time.

4. Stage of depression

In the stage of depression (which is not in itself the type of depression that is considered a mental disorder, but a set of similar symptoms), we stop fantasizing about parallel realities and return to the present with a deep sense of emptiness because the loved one is no longer there.

Here a strong sadness appears that cannot be mitigated by excuses or imagination, and that leads us to enter into an existential crisis when considering the irreversibility of death and the lack of incentives to continue living in a reality in which the loved one is not. In other words, not only must we learn to accept that the other person is gone, but we must also begin to live in a reality that is defined by that absence.

At this stage it is normal for us to become more isolated and to feel more tired, unable to conceive the idea that we are going to get out of this state of sadness and melancholy.

5. Acceptance stage

It is at the moment when one accepts the death of a loved one that one learns to continue living in a world in which he or she is no longer, and one accepts that this feeling of overcoming is good . In part, this phase occurs because the emotional pain of grief is extinguished over time, but it is also necessary to actively reorganize the very ideas that make up our mental scheme.

It is not a happy stage as opposed to the other stages of mourning, but is rather characterised at the beginning by a lack of intense feelings and by tiredness. Little by little the ability to experience joy and pleasure returns, and from that situation things usually return to normal.

A cycle to move on to feeling better

As we have seen, grief can take many forms, causing the feeling of loss to be transformed as our way of experiencing it matures. The key is in the way we learn to live with the idea that what we loved will no longer be present , whether it is a person, an object or a part of our own body.

In order to overcome these losses, which at first are usually felt through a sense of hopelessness and uneasiness , we must come to assume that from that moment on we will have to live in a different world, one in which what we miss is no longer there.

Thus, a strong sense of anger appears that is projected in all directions, as neither a solution nor someone who can be held completely responsible for the death can be found.

Even if a part of us knows it is unfair, anger is directed against people who are not to blame for anything, or even against animals and objects.

3.
Negotiation stage

At this stage we try to create a fiction that allows us to see death as a possibility that we are in a position to prevent from happening. Somehow, offers the fantasy of being in control of the situation .

In negotiation, which can occur before death or after it, we fantasize about reversing the process and look for strategies to make that possible. For example, it is common to try to negotiate with divine or supernatural entities to keep death from occurring in exchange for changing one’s lifestyle and “reforming”.

In the same way, pain is relieved by imagining that we have gone back in time and that no life is in danger. But this stage is short because it doesn’t fit with reality either, and besides, it’s exhausting to be thinking about solutions all the time.

4.
Stage of depression

In the stage of depression (which is not in itself the type of depression that is considered a mental disorder, but a set of similar symptoms), we stop fantasizing about parallel realities and return to the present with a deep sense of emptiness because the loved one is no longer there.

Here a strong sadness appears that cannot be mitigated by excuses or imagination, and that leads us to enter into an existential crisis when considering the irreversibility of death and the lack of incentives to continue living in a reality in which the loved one is not. In other words, not only must we learn to accept that the other person is gone, but we must also begin to live in a reality that is defined by that absence.

At this stage it is normal for us to become more isolated and to feel more tired, unable to conceive the idea that we are going to get out of this state of sadness and melancholy.

5. Acceptance stage

It is at the moment when one accepts the death of a loved one that one learns to continue living in a world in which he or she is no longer, and one accepts that this feeling of overcoming is good . In part, this phase occurs because the emotional pain of grief is extinguished over time, but it is also necessary to actively reorganize the very ideas that make up our mental scheme.

It is not a happy stage as opposed to the other stages of mourning, but is rather characterised at the beginning by a lack of intense feelings and by tiredness.
Little by little the ability to experience joy and pleasure returns, and from that situation things usually return to normal.

A cycle to move on to feeling better

As we have seen, grief can take many forms, causing the feeling of loss to be transformed as our way of experiencing it matures. The key is in the way we learn to live with the idea that what we loved will no longer be present , whether it is a person, an object or a part of our own body.

In order to overcome these losses, which at first are usually felt through a sense of hopelessness and uneasiness , we must come to assume that from that moment on we will have to live in a different world, one in which what we miss is no longer there.