In personal relationships, sooner or later discrepancies arise, because each person has his or her own point of view, beliefs and particular way of seeing the world.

Having differences is a natural thing, the bitter part comes when you are becoming a dead end. The relationship deteriorates and the suffering and estrangement of the couple appears . In couples’ therapy we are constantly opening up alternatives to find a way out of the impasse.

Dealing with conflicts in couples: what to do?

In the day-to-day work of the Instituto Psicode we use a variety of techniques to find other options to solve problems that the couple cannot solve on their own. We mediate, we work on flexibility, we undo toxic dynamics, we create scenarios of healthy communication, we teach how to close past stories, we scare away pride, we present forgiveness and the magic of reconquest. In short, we psychologists become facilitators of agreement and harmony in the couple.

It is very curious, however, that most couples face the same problems over and over again . Each couple ends up repeating the same scenes and themes of conflict. Even the people themselves know what the outcome of the situation is going to be, but they can’t help it; they do the same thing over and over again, hoping that it will be solved. But both are trapped by the conflict.

Something that amazes us is that, when they come to the consultation, we observe that many couples have in their repertoire very good communication skills . Some of them have even read and trained in assertiveness, but even with those, they are not able to overcome conflicts.

Why can’t they work it out on their own?

There are many emotions involved , such as anger, guilt or fear, that prevent us from seeing the solution. The topic of conversation becomes stressful just by mentioning it, because there have been many occasions of failure in the attempt and because they seek to make the other person see the world as they do, from the same perspective. That is where the main obstacle appears. The constant struggle to find out who is right.

The topics that we mostly find in the consultation that are the most frequent reasons for discussion are: reproaches regarding the lack of involvement in domestic responsibilities and with the children, different points of view regarding education with the children, problems with political families, infidelities not overcome, demands of individuality not understood by the other member of the couple, problems in sexual relationships, addictions or jealousy.

Keys to Overcoming Relationship Conflict

Based on these considerations, let’s look at 8 rules that can help you get out of the conflict.

1. Talk about the problem when you are not involved in it

Usually in couples there are certain repetitive scenes that end with a bad outcome. The couple mistakenly tries to solve the problem at the moment it occurs, and then the big dispute appears. It is difficult to find reasons when we have the emotional brain taking control of us. Therefore, it is advisable to talk about the problem once it has passed, not “in situ”.

There’s no need to solve it now or today. Maybe you can talk about it and come to an agreement when you are calm.

2. Before you start talking about the problem, prepare yourself mentally

Do a little exercise in adjusting expectations so that later you don’t get frustrated if the situation doesn’t develop as you would like .

It starts from the premise that when you bring up the subject, the other person will not perceive it as you do.

Different points of view are just that, differences. You have to find a middle ground to adjust them and solve the problem. To do this, you have to go through a dialogue process ; the solution doesn’t come immediately. Don’t get frustrated if it doesn’t come out at first, because that will increase the anger and make it harder to handle.

Reflect on how the other person lives the situation , try to see it from their perspective. Do a little empathy exercise to put yourself in the other person’s place, to understand why perhaps the other member of the couple is acting this way. You will surely find in the exercise that the other person does not intend to hurt you, but interprets the situation in a different way.

Remember that everyone proposes different solutions, marked by their culture, their childhood belief models, their past experiences… This makes me draw conclusions, values different from yours, and not see the problem as you do.

3. When you feel small and helpless, don’t resort to generating fear

You can draw your strength from talking about a future where you’re both happy. For example, we find many cases that resort to threatening separation in the face of even the slightest dispute. This creates more tension in the situation and makes it more difficult to look for an option.

Try to look for arguments in which you express your intention to solve the problem, to do your part to seek consensus and keep walking together . This option makes the other member put away his or her defence shield and thus makes it easier to communicate and to find alternatives.

4. The more the other one gets upset, the more I have to try to stay calm

If we do not manage to be in an environment that is conducive to dialogue, that will be a sign that this is not the time to talk. We can postpone it. There’s a strange mania to solve everything already, and that only brings more problems. For example, the weekends without the interruptions and pressures of the day-to-day obligations , favour a closer communication and thus a more accessible solution.

5. Asking forgiveness is not for the weak

Sometimes, a simple “sorry” opens up a thousand solutions. Don’t be afraid. Pride only makes the problem worse .

6. Without spectators, it’s better

Remember the most important rule: “with children in front of you, don’t” , because in the end they suffer with the arguments and don’t know how to handle it. Sometimes problems arise in front of friends or family. It is better to do it from the heart and leave it for later, because having witnesses in front of us, the imperious need to be right appears and that only makes us become more extreme and radical to win in front of the others.

7. Train yourself in A-B-C, the 3 ingredients that will help you express yourself

First, talk about how you feel without judging the other person . Show your part according to what the other person thinks or feels and validate it too.

Secondly, ask without reproach and without irony what you expect , what you would like to happen. Do it without generalities and abstractions, the more concrete the better. Remember not to bring up the past, we look forward.

Finally, explain the positive consequences you think it would have if what you demand happened, not only for the couple but for each of you separately.

8. We will not open several doors at once

If you are talking about a subject, it is very important that you do not attract another mistake or past problem. It is forbidden to mix themes to fill you with reason . The key is to dialogue, and to look for solutions step by step. If we mix, we open many wounds and then it is difficult to remain rational enough to find the way out. If the other person feels very guilty or hurt, it will not help him to do his part, but rather he will tend to defend himself.

We hope that these rules will help you, if at any time you feel you need a reinforcement or help to get out of the alley, at the Instituto Psicode we have experts to guide you. You can call us at 910000209.