In my years as a therapist I have witnessed many people living in the grip of a great ghost that haunts them: its name is guilt . They are people who do not manage to fully enjoy their lives because they tend to deprive themselves of experiences, make decisions, take on challenges, close circles in their lives because they feel guilty.

That’s why today I decided to write a few basic ideas that will allow you to reflect on this great ghost that haunts our lives and sometimes we don’t even realize it.

What we understand by guilt

Let’s start by exploring the term: the guilt . We usually define this concept as an unpleasant feeling born from the sanction , the accusatory pointing out or the condemnation produced by “something we did or didn’t do and it was assumed that we should do or not do”.

This pointing generates feelings such as sadness, remorse, regret, anguish, helplessness and frustration.

The little imaginary trials

These cases can be found very easily in court cases, where a person is sentenced or sentenced to a certain penalty for committing a crime. These processes are usually very emotionally draining for those involved , and it is easy to notice a deterioration not only psychologically and socially, but also physically.

It is precisely on this point that I am interested in reflecting. In consultation I usually mention to my patients that, consciously or unconsciously, they usually live in a constant “trial” in which, unfortunately, they are the ones who are forced to sit in the “chair of the accused”.

In this way, it is a question of exemplifying how worn out their lives usually are , by the very decision to “sanction or reproach themselves” for “what they do or don’t do in life”. That is to say, on many occasions there is no “other who points”, but it is the subject’s own inflexibility that is accused.

When you blame yourself

Starting from this premise, it is made clear that e guilt is the exclusive decision of the subject to be putting the sentence to himself .

Parenting and education in general can influence the acquisition of self-punitive behaviors, but once we move into adulthood, we are responsible for changing our repertoire so that we acquire more and more assertive emotional tools.

The example of the second language

To clarify this point I usually give the following example to my patients.

When you are a child, many times, parents cannot give their children the option to acquire a second language; while they are children and adolescents, they are subject to the possibilities that their parents allow them. And if you ask them why they don’t speak another language, they will very naturally say that their parents cannot give them that option.

But when you are an adult, you can no longer justify yourself by talking about what your parents could not provide you with, because theoretically it is already their absolute responsibility to provide themselves with all the professional tools necessary to compete in the labor market, and the more they need a tool to excel in the professional field, the greater their effort to achieve it should be.

In the same way, if our parents could not provide us with the necessary tools to have mental health and therefore quality of life, as adults it is our responsibility to acquire new resources. Therefore, using guilt assertively is an absolute decision of the person. The ideal is to know how to manage these beliefs and feelings to make our quality of life better in those areas where it can be improved.

Why should guilt be exterminated when it is not assertive?

Guilt generates heartbreaking feelings , because it makes the person a prisoner in an emotional situation.

Example: let’s imagine that near where we live a natural disaster occurs and many loved ones were affected; we feel their pain and concern, therefore, if it is in our power we run to help them, trying to give our best in the face of such a catastrophe; it would be almost unthinkable for a person to put handcuffs on his hands and tie himself to the bed, in such a way that he feels the pain of his friends but without being able to do anything.

This is precisely the scenario that people who blame themselves assume; they become paralyzed, they lament, they feel pain, but they do not assume actions that allow them to improve the scenario . They become “tied down”, “prisoners” in their feelings without the ability to collaborate.

Forms of compensation

It is necessary to clarify that sometimes people clearly assume responsibility for their actions , while looking for ways to compensate for their error. For example, if in a couple one of the two was unfaithful, it is possible that the mistake is acknowledged and that the person fights to recover the trust, in such a way that it does not remain in lamentations or sanctions, but in the way of recovering the emotional stability of the couple in case they want to continue together. That is to say, guilt allows us to become sensitive to human feelings and therefore, to delimit certain actions for a healthy coexistence. This would be the assertive use of guilt.

Nevertheless, people often feel guilty for events that are not their responsibility . Returning to one of the examples, it would be as if the person felt responsible for the natural disaster that devastated the neighborhood and therefore, begins to apologize to others and does not manage to continue with his life because of the sadness caused by the experience.

The guilt that binds us

In the same way, people spend a lot of their lives immersed in this “irrational belief” that they are responsible for events that belong to their own life course. And the difficult part of the case is that a circle is generated, because by “becoming paralyzed” and not looking for alternative ways to improve the situation, one falls into constant complaining or lamenting .

So when people are helped to channel the blame, they are questioned as to whether they really want to get rid of these unpleasant feelings. The most important question I have to ask you as a therapist is: “Do you want to take responsibility for your life? Because that often involves taking actions that we unconsciously avoid assuming . In some cases, in fact, they realize that it is more comfortable to be lamenting the past than to start building the present.

Temporality

Another important aspect to mention in the topic of guilt is its temporality . Guilt, as already mentioned, helps us to become aware of those actions that we do or do not do and that allow us to amend or improve as people; but it must be inscribed within a time frame. It has a beginning and an end, as well as an objective that, as mentioned, focuses on overcoming.

However, its use is distorted when it begins but does not end, that is, when we feel bad about a fault we committed but are continually recriminating ourselves over and over again.

In legal matters it is often heard that a person pays only once per crime. In this case it is the same; the person actually repents of the harm committed, apologizes, shows his repentance and continues to live. However, many people find it impossible to put an end to it and relive again and again their negative feelings about the harm they caused to the other person.

At this point I usually ask my patients the following question: what is the purpose of living with this feeling of guilt? Does it work to victimize us, manipulate us, or avoid taking responsibility? It is extremely important that people find the real reason for their guilt. This is the beginning of achieving change.