There are more and more cases of couples seeking to become parents who are diagnosed with infertility. Sometimes it is accompanied by one or more causes, problems with ovarian reserve, endometriosis, problems with the morphology, quantity and quality of sperm, genetics… and on other occasions, this diagnosis is associated with the words “cause of unknown origin”.

With or without specific causes, it generates stress or frustration in the couple as they clash with the plans they had made to start a family and the desire to have a baby.

Facing and accepting the diagnosis of infertility is a difficult task without specialized psychological help . Couples who decide to start with insemination treatments, IVF, ICSI, tests, constant consultations in gynaecology, urology… have to face moments of great economic, emotional and personal cost.

Psychological keys to managing infertility

These are the psychological keys to not letting infertility wear us down emotionally.

1. Do not hide the reason for not having children

Telling what happens to our loved ones helps us to make this process a little easier, as well as to talk about the emotions that are felt in each moment, because there is no need to spend this moment alone .

It is important to tell what happens to avoid uncomfortable questions from your closest environment . It is not a matter of telling everyone what is happening but of not hiding it, because there is no reason to hide this situation; in fact, doing so leads us to distance ourselves from acceptance and therefore to make the process longer and more painful.

2. Seek professional psychological help

It is important to obtain the necessary tools to manage this long and hard process. Both in terms of better handling of emotions, and in helping the grieving process in the case of abortions or longing for the baby that never comes.

That is why it is advisable to go to psychotherapy, the space where emotional health professionals can give support.

3. Enhances the management of emotions associated with infertility

In the long process of a fertility treatment emotions of anger, insecurity, sadness, helplessness, guilt, frustration are generated , and often the question “Why me?”, “Why us?” appears.

If during this process, both at the time of conducting the tests, the results of the tests, hormonal treatment in the case of women, the commonly called “beta-wait” … there is no specialised psychological help available, mood, anxiety and stress management problems may arise , which influence both the coping and acceptance of the situation and the results of the treatment.

Psychological intervention is specialized in intervention in emotional management and minimizing the effects of stress, the process of accepting the diagnosis of infertility and intervention in grief.

Mourning process in infertility and the importance of psychological assistance

When a loved one is lost we receive the support of our family and friends, we can make a farewell ceremony, we can watch over their body. But… What happens when you have that same feeling and you can’t do this whole process? What happens when, for example, pregnancies occur but don’t go to term? You can’t hold that baby that you long for or with which you have made so many plans with your partner .

It is very important to carry out a mourning with the support of professional teams, going through all its phases (shock, anger, negotiation, despair, acceptance and search for alternatives).

Psychological counselling in this case helps to understand and deal with the emotional consequences . It is very important to overcome all these phases before generating alternatives to the fact of not being able to be mothers/parents.

By doing a correct mourning we will manage to diminish feelings of guilt, avoid extreme desperation or the feeling that “my life will not be the same”, physical symptoms of anxiety, uncontrolled anger, difficulties in the functioning of daily life with regard to social relations, work and the derivation in possible anxiety disorders or depression associated with this problem.

How can we help a person with infertility?

We often tell our family or friends who go through this process messages like “don’t give up”, “it will come”, “when you least expect it it will come”, “relax and it will come”. This type of message, probably from all our love, can lead to harm, as we cannot guarantee that this baby will come , therefore, we do not help these people to accept a situation in which they may finally end up not being parents.

At the same time, by telling the woman in this case especially, “relax and it will come” in an indirect way we are making her feel even more guilty because we take for granted that the cause of not getting pregnant is her level of stress or anxiety .

There should never be a “diagnosis” of the situation, such as “I’m sure that if you lose or gain weight you’ll get pregnant”, “you probably won’t get pregnant because of the stress in your life”, “you’ve given up too much”… These messages never help a couple in these circumstances.

It is more advisable in these cases to accompany and show our support, phrases such as “whatever happens I will be there”, “I can get an idea of how you feel”, “cry if you need to” “you have the right to feel this way” are very helpful messages that lead the person to overcome this and not feel alone.