When we start a relationship we tend to feel completely connected to our partner. We may still be surprised by their thoughts or attitudes, but the overall feeling is one of permanent and strong connection.

From there it is very easy to face the holidays. Spending all the time together, without the interruption of our daily obligations, is in perfect harmony with our wishes.

Holidays: a challenge for the well-being of the couple

However, when a couple is in crisis, the holidays are not always those expected days . It seems that, when we find ourselves together and with fewer obligations, this feeling of disconnection becomes more powerful, more difficult to ignore.

During our daily life we can attribute our lack of connection to a thousand factors: that we have no time, that work absorbs us a lot, that the children require a lot of attention, the gym, Sunday lunch with the family, shopping, cleaning, that we have a thousand and one commitments,…

It is true that these or similar factors are generally present in all couples and minimize their ability to pay attention to each other on a daily basis, but what is less certain is that they are what keeps the distance between them.

Managing Time Together

Normally they encourage us to start feeling disconnected from each other, but if we push them away, this feeling of disconnection does not go away. That is why, when on vacation they are not present, but the feeling with the partner remains the same, all the alarms go off.

When we go away for a romantic weekend and we still don’t seem to feel close, we worry, thinking that maybe our relationship will never be the same again. We discover that we have settled into that distance between us where we feel safer, though not more comfortable, and that even if the reasons disappear, the distance remains.

Generally there is a desire in us to get things back to the way they were before , and it doesn’t mean erasing our obligations or our “children” from the equation, but it does mean being able to feel as a couple again as before they arrived, and, if not on a daily basis, at least if that weekend alone I was talking about before.

There are many couples who, after making that attempt and seeing that it doesn’t work, or even after stopping trying and starting to summer alone with the extended family so as not to have to face this reality of disconnection, go to therapy, hoping that maybe, with help, things can be a little less bad… because few dream of imagining that they can be as good or even better than at first.

And you can, not always, I’m not going to lie to you, but in many cases you can.

How can couples therapy help us?

The Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) is a model of therapy that allows us to delve into the reasons for this feeling of disconnection.

This is not a therapy we are going to enter into to discuss how we deal with our conflict issues. I honestly understand that the couples who come to my practice are usually people who are totally capable of having more or less satisfactory exchanges of opinions in almost all their relationships (family, work, friends,…) and who have the feeling that they are “stuck” in their couple’s discussions. This is because they do not have to do with their skills when it comes to making and receiving criticism, nor with their good or bad decision-making techniques,… but rather gives the feeling that in the couple’s discussions, emotions are brought into play that trap them and that lead them to react in a very determined way.

The feeling of disconnection does not appear simply because we have different opinions than our partner, or even because these opinions lead us to a more or less heated discussion, but it appears when we feel that this discussion is endangering our bond with our partner, that it is touching on fundamental issues: how I see myself; how the other sees me; how I see him in the relationship…

It is when they feel our bond on the tightrope, when the discussion becomes especially painful, because both of them, each in his own way, do everything possible so that the bond is not broken, and generally, they do it in different and almost opposite ways, increasing the insecurity of the other, and consequently their own.

How to help couples not feel insecure?

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of the Emotion Focused Couple’s Therapy Model, there are only three essential factors that make us feel that our bond as a couple is secure. We need to know if our partner will be available, responsive, and emotionally involved with us.

  • Availability : Are you there for me? Can I reach you? Will you be present?

  • Receptivity : Do you care for me? Do you love me? Am I important to you? Can I trust you to answer me when I need you?

  • Involvement : Do you commit to get emotionally involved and will you pay attention to me?

The TFE Model gives us, as technically trained therapists, a clear map of the way to get from this feeling of disconnection, where it is difficult to talk about any subject or even go on vacation together, to that of a secure bond where all these questions are answered with a YES, and we can feel as if we are on “vacation” in our daily lives.