A few days ago I had a very interesting conversation with a colleague and a great friend about life and how to deal with it properly.

His experience, as well as mine, when talking to patients and also to acquaintances and friends, can be summarized in that generally life is perceived as something complicated and happiness as something ethereal , immaterial and that escapes constantly. That it is a perishable state, temporarily short, almost unattainable, that it is out there somewhere, that it does not depend on oneself, that one cannot control…

However, can one be happy even when immersed in painful situations? Does happiness depend exclusively on what one has achieved, or on everything around us being perfect and wonderful? Doesn’t happiness depend on how we manage it?

What is happiness really?

Happiness is usually described as a state of great spiritual and physical satisfaction with the absence of inconvenience or setbacks. It is a state that would be achieved when we reach our goals.

However, there are people who, even if their basic needs are covered (having a job, resources, housing, family and friends, etc.) are not happy… Why does this happen?

Here we should mention what in social psychology is called the locus of control (LC). This is the belief (and assumption) that events that happen to us depend exclusively on external forces that we do not control (External LC) or on our own effort (Internal LC).

It is clear that we do not always show a single LC , since it is a continuum through which we move according to events, but we do set a trend.

Knowing how to manage happiness

Thus, those with an internal LC will be more likely to take responsibility for their own actions, be less influenced by the opinions of others, become accustomed to perceiving themselves as effective and confident in their duties, tend to put effort into what they do, and report being happier and more independent.

On the other hand, those with an external CL, hold forces outside of themselves responsible for everything that happens to them , they tend to attribute to luck or chance any success or failure they obtain, they do not believe themselves capable of changing their situation through their own efforts, often feeling hopeless or powerless in the face of difficult situations; for this reason they are more likely to experience what is known as “learned hopelessness”.

The way in which we learn to manage happiness through the locus of control , therefore, influences a lot what we feel.

What does it mean to be happy?

In our experience (mine and my colleague’s) happiness lies within us , it is an internal state of peace and well-being. We must differentiate it from joy and satisfaction, since these are passing feelings.

Aristotle already mentioned that “happiness depends on ourselves”. For his part, Lao Tse understood that “happiness lies in the ability to live and enjoy the present moment, because if you were to look at the past or constantly project the future, you would develop anxiety and stress”.

When we manage to silence our mind, manage and enjoy our present and what we are, we can feel immersed in an ocean of peace and well-being , which leads us to experience that longed-for happiness. Understanding it in this way, it becomes an almost constant state, not so fickle, that lasts even in painful or complicated moments of our lives.

Being happy does not mean that at a certain moment we cannot cry because of a loss, or be stressed by a certain event, on the contrary, this state will allow us to have more resources and strength to overcome these events, since our way of thinking will not depend on the external, will be alien to it, being able to adapt to each circumstance, allowing us to see the exit of the tunnel at all times, giving us that light that guides and elevates us.