Emotions can lead us to react quickly to situations that require an urgent response, but, paradoxically, they can also anchor us in the past if we do not know how to manage them well.

The case of resentment is the clearest example of the latter: through it, a past experience is able to keep us reliving over and over again the feeling of discomfort that we once experienced, but which we should not really be suffering in the present.

In this article we’ll see several keys about how to overcome resentment, redirect our emotions and stop feeling frustrated by something that no longer has the importance we give it.

Overcoming resentment, step by step

Here are some keys to understanding how resentment can be overcome. However, we must not lose sight of the fact that each case is unique and we must know how to adapt these ideas to the way we live in a given context and moment.

1. Define the reason for your resentment

The vast majority of times when resentment is experienced, it is directed towards a particular person or group (regardless of the size of the latter).

Therefore, the first step in dealing with this psychological phenomenon is to detect against whom we are directing that hostility. This may be a matter of seconds in some cases, but it is sometimes a complex matter, especially when that against which we adopt negative attitudes is something rather abstract .

In any case, identifying this element will help us to undo that dynamic of hostility as quickly as possible.

2. Write down the negative consequences of feeling resentment

The main reason for letting go of resentment is to stop hurting yourself.

It is important to keep this in mind, because if we don’t, the paradox will be that fantasizing about the humiliation or defeat of the one we think has hurt us is something that keeps us in a state that makes us suffer, so that we give that other person more power over us than they would normally have .

So stop and think and list the negative consequences of feeling the way you do when you harbor that antipathy towards someone, not forgetting that time is also an aspect to consider: the longer we prolong this phase, the longer the damage will last.

3. Assume that to accept is not to forgive

Sometimes, forgiveness is practically impossible, or so complicated that the cost of attempting it outweighs the possible positive consequences in terms of effort and time. So think about the difference between forgiveness and acceptance.

In order to deal with a person or have them close to us in our daily lives, it is not necessary that they are our friends , that we can trust them or that we like them. Accepting that some people are not meant to play an important role in our lives is necessary to overcome the resentment we may harbour against someone in some cases.

4. Don’t let zero contact enslave you

Sometimes, getting away from a person is good for overcoming the first phase of anger, but this stage should not last too long if we do not want the negative consequences of seeing our freedom restricted when we move to become another source of discomfort and resentment.

5. Learn not to take it personally

Not taking something personally doesn’t mean ingratiating yourself with someone and assuming they didn’t mean to hurt you. Indeed, the world is full of people who, given the right conditions, may intend to hurt us, but that does not mean that we should attach importance to their intentions.

If we adopt a distant perspective, we will see that events only have importance if we give them importance , and that unless we give protagonism to those who offend us, we can make what they think of us or the fact that they try to make us uncomfortable have no importance.

6. Assume that people are not perfect

Finally, we will save ourselves many moments of anger and resentment if we learn to accept that making mistakes is not in itself a reason for us to make enemies with someone, even if it has significantly negative consequences for us.

Life is not perfect and everyone has moments when their strength fails them or when they make the wrong decisions. If that causes us frustration it’s one thing, but it doesn’t mean we should blame someone for being wrong.

7. Change of lifestyle

Even if we have very valid reasons to resent someone or a group of people, the one who is most harmed by that situation is oneself.

Therefore, knowing how to overcome resentment is not so much an act for which we value whether we have reason to blame someone for something bad that has happened, but rather an act to turn the page and focus on other aspects of life that we find more stimulating.

And since it is very complicated to think differently by doing exactly the same thing, it is important that you modify certain things in your day-to-day life. New hobbies, new friendships, new places… All this will allow you to close a stage of your development and move on to another one where the past does not limit you so much and you can look back without being dominated by discomfort.

Bibliographic references:

  • Jeronimus; et al. (Jan 2018). “Frustration”. In Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T.K. Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. New York: Springer. p. 1-8.
  • Martin, Courtney E. (2014). “The Violence of Humiliation”, On Being, September.
  • Reber, A.S., & Reber, E. (2002). The Penguin dictionary of psychology. New York: Penguin Books.
  • Szasz, P.L.; Szentagotai, A.; Hofmann, S. (30 November 2010). “The Effect of Emotion Regulation Strategies on Anger”. Behaviour Research and Therapy. 49 (2).

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