Of course, if we have to be perfectionist about anything, it’s our own behavior, but there are people who go too far. While some value what they do by analyzing their weaknesses and devising ways to improve, others are obsessed with the habit of blaming themselves for everything bad that happens to them .

To stop blaming oneself for all the bad things that happen to one’s self is fundamental to improve one’s well-being, since if one does not get out of that dynamic, a vicious circle appears in which pessimism and the expectation of failure make it impossible to improve.

Related article: “Causal Attribution Theories: Definition and Authors”

How to stop blaming yourself systematically for everything

In this article we will review some keys to stop blaming yourself for everything and to face life with a more constructive attitude . However, remember that any process of personal development and learning has to go beyond reading, so it all depends on whether you use these ideas to change the way you relate to your environment and to others.

1. Relativizes the importance of guilt

Even if one is responsible for what happened, this does not mean that we have to be blamed for the misfortune indefinitely. The only usefulness of this feeling is to make the memory of that negative experience last in time and lead us to avoid making the same mistake. If we manage to learn the lesson, there is no reason to continue martyring ourselves.
In other words, guilt is not a condemnation: it is a learning factor.

Thus, there is nothing that should lead us to think that the simple fact that we feel bad is a reason why we should suffer. In nature, rewards and punishments do not exist beyond human imagination.

2. Analyze your real strengths and weaknesses

Beyond what one would wish, it is evident that every person has his imperfections. This means, among other things, that not everyone can do anything at a given time in their life . Some things can, and some things can only be done with a lot of practice or knowledge.

Remembering this is important, because it provides real information about what is really one’s fault and what is not.

In those situations in which a very complicated and difficult obstacle has appeared, there is only one situation in which one is guilty of what happened: that in which it was evident that this obstacle would appear , and pride or another form of irrationality led us to go to meet it. Of course, this changes if the reason we “complicated our lives” in that way had to do with protecting someone else.

3. Reflect on your relationship with the environment

People who tend to blame themselves for everything tend to keep a low profile in their social relationships. This means, among other things, that they very easily believe they owe things to others, feel “helpless” that they live at the expense of others’ good will and virtues, and spontaneously adopt submissive roles .

The consequence of this is that as people in their immediate social circle see that the person has a clear lack of assertiveness and self-esteem, they will usually obey and make sacrifices for others. Of course, when everyone exerts this kind of pressure, it is very easy to fail many times, both because of probability and because of the stress that this dynamic of social relationships produces.

Therefore, in order to stop blaming oneself, it is key to track the signs that this phenomenon is occurring in our personal relationships . Even unconsciously, it is very easy that if we start blaming ourselves for everything bad that happens, the rest will do the same.

4. Practice compassion

Much of our perception of the world and of ourselves does not depend on the content of these ideas and beliefs, but on the attention we give to each of these elements . In the same way that if we only thought about poverty and suffering we would become depressed, looking only at one’s own imperfections achieves a similar effect, with the added bonus that by locating the problem within oneself, there is no point in trying to solve what is happening: what is broken cannot repair itself, according to this belief.

Therefore, it is good to practice compassion, which in this case is nothing more than applying to ourselves what we usually do with the world: never forgetting its positive aspects.

In this sense, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help a lot, since it is based on the acceptance of a very concrete series of imperfections and on working to improve in the rest of the aspects.