The main concern of many people in the world can be summarized in one sentence: “I have no friends” . Now, no one is born predestined to be alone. In this article we will look at some keys to understanding why, on certain occasions, the feeling of absolute solitude appears, and what can be done to remedy it.

“I have no friends”: possible explanations

The number of friendships is based on predispositions based largely on temperament and character. The difference between popular and friendless people lies mainly in personality characteristics.

It is common to see how in different social environments there are subjects to whom interpersonal relationships seem to be given, having a tremendous facility to initiate conversation and to maintain friendships over time.

Then we have the other side of the coin, they are the subjects who find social contact very difficult, generally they do not know what to say during social interaction , they are invaded by anxiety and end up saying “I have no friends”.

However, context also plays a role. Neither a person with a genetic predisposition to be shy is doomed to have few or no friends, nor does someone who is easy to socialize with from childhood always have to be very popular.

With this in mind, let’s move on to the causes that can cause a person to have no friends. There may be parenting factors that have generated insecurity in the person and this may be reflected in the absence of friends, and there are also factors of biological origin that may have an influence; Autism Spectrum Disorders are associated with a significant lack of friends.

Some people sometimes ask the question “why don’t I have friends” and don’t come up with a very clear answer. The following are the most frequent and important causes in most cases.

1. We are shy people

Being shy or withdrawn from social contact can cause us to fall into a kind of voluntary isolation from which we find it very difficult to escape; we prefer to stay in our comfort zone rather than expose ourselves to a social situation that may be uncomfortable for us.

2. Histrionic behavior

The histrionic person is the one who is used to getting attention constantly . For these people conversations must revolve around their person or they will not feel comfortable.

3. Choleric temperature

They’re guys who get irritated too easily. At the slightest adverse stimulus they are capable of reacting with violence (verbal, physical or psychological). They have a low tolerance to frustration and this makes it difficult for them to make friends.

4. Emotional dependence

When we are emotionally dependent we focus most of our energies on pleasing the person on whom we are dependent and we forget that we can also relate to other people in a healthy way .

5. Mythomania

The pathological liar usually appears to have a good relationship with his fellow man and seems to be able to create abundant social bonds, but this is only a mask, a layer of smoke that hides reality. Subjects who lie in a recurrent manner are not capable of establishing quality social relationships. When the others realise the lies they end up walking away.

What to do to not feel lonely and gain in friendships

Now that we have seen the main causes that can lead a person to ask “why don’t I have friends”, we will see what we can do to increase our social circle in a healthy way, establishing long-lasting and quality relationships . When it comes to friends, it is important to keep in mind that what matters most is quality and not quantity.

1. Find the things that bring you together with others

This refers to being aware of the things we have in common with other people . When we realise that there are coincidences in tastes or opinions with someone else we can take that into conversation.

2. Ask about their emotions

Once we have been able to engage in the conversation it is important to ask about each other’s emotions. This makes the bond stronger and puts us on the way to having a long-lasting and quality friendship.

3. Show yourself vulnerable

There are those who believe that vulnerability is synonymous with weakness, for nothing could be further from the truth. When we have a friendly relationship with someone and we trust this person, being vulnerable by showing our feelings helps to strengthen that bond . It is a sign of trust that the other person identifies and values.

4. Break with the routine

To have friends it is important to get out of the comfort zone and try interesting things in the company of others. For example, we may have acquaintances in the office or at school with whom we get along, but making plans and meeting in another environment can take friendship to the next level .

5. Stay close

Once we have made friends with someone, it is important to maintain frequent contact with that person. We’re not going to become stalkers or anything, but showing interest by texting to find out how our friend is doing is a good way to stay close. We should be careful not to invade each other’s personal space or it will be counterproductive.

Bibliographic references:

  • Reisman, J. M. (1985). “Friendship and its Implications for Mental Health or Social Competence. The Journal of Early Adolescence. 5 (3): 383–91.