Usually, adolescence is a stage of life in which family relationships are shaken, suffer changes and readjust to create a new structure and relational dynamics between parents and children, precisely the latter are developing and validating their internal configuration closer to adult functioning.

And parents in turn are also at a point where it is necessary to check and refocus the style of parenting and communication by adapting it to the relational needs of the new stage that the children are going through.

Accompanying your child through adolescence

It is in this movement and readjustment that discomfort, dissatisfaction, difficulty in understanding, feelings of misunderstanding and suffering often appear for one or more of the parties involved in the family’s development.

These situations can range from increased arguing, disagreements on schedules and numbers of outings, concern about professional orientation, to the emergence of other more disruptive and significant behaviors on both sides that involve risk behaviors, either aggression, consumption, or other reflections of discomfort through unhealthy behaviors.

Many times children expose the difficulty in being, feeling and expressing themselves in their essence , being able to feel little understood and accompanied in this moment in which internally there are movements about what one was, what one is and what one imagines one wants to be.

The difficulties of adolescence

Adolescence is a vital time when new focuses of interest and strong attachments appear outside the family circle, and the person who is beginning his adulthood asks questions about himself, others and the functioning of the world.

Not always the answers that are going to be given are going to be concordant nor adjusted to the style and what is expected by the family, and that is going to cause that sometimes the difference is of difficult acceptance , or simply by an instinct of parental protection, in which the main desire is to avoid the bad experiences to the children, can be lived by the children as a non acceptance of their difference and individuality.

On the other hand, parents talk about difficulties in understanding the changes that are taking place and sometimes feel difficulty in sustaining opposition, free expression or even managing to apply limits in a fair and healthy way.

Adjusting the parental style

Sometimes it is also difficult for mother and father figures to readjust mother and fatherhood to the vital moment that the children are living. During adolescence they also need the companionship of their paternal and maternal figures , but this companionship is important that it be adjusted to the age and need of each person. The care and forms of approach will not be the same with a baby or in children of early childhood as with an adolescent.

When this is not conscious, maternal and paternal figures may find themselves rejected and misunderstood and sons and daughters may experience invasion and not be treated according to their age and real needs.

Should parents dispense with limits and rules at this stage of their children’s lives?

Does all the above advocate the absence of limits and the acceptance of any behaviour within the family dynamic? No.

The line between allowing and accompanying the other in the expression of oneself and at the same time setting limits in a sufficiently consistent and structural way, sometimes appears diffuse and difficult to maintain in balance, giving situations in which both parents and children feel confused, misunderstood and demanded by the other party.

The professional experience gives us the opportunity to observe in a reiterative way that underneath this difficulty of understanding most of the times we are talking about Love and the desire to do the best possible for the well-being of the other as well as our own.

So… Why are there usually so many points of disagreement? This is the time when you should ask yourself if what you think the other person needs is really what the other person needs… and always, the only and also the best way to discover what the other person’s need or desire is is to ask.

After all, a month old baby is not going to be able to answer the question of whether he is crying because he is tired or hungry, but a teenager has the capacity and ability to identify his needs and express them. After asking, the responsibility appears as the adult reference to accompany and limit that need or desire to reality, that is to say, to help understand if that given the family reality and a healthy management can be covered or not.

Rights and duties

For example: the adolescent wants to have a weekly allowance, it is healthy to agree on the conditions and at the same time limit the amount to the economic reality of the family and to learning healthy money management, which implies that there is no unlimited allowance, whatever the family’s economic condition.

When, despite asking about the disagreements, another approach persists, the party that wants to address the situation will have to spend time thinking and asking questions about what is happening, how they are feeling and how they are acting in the conflict, in order to differentiate their own needs from those of others. Once this is clear, ask the rest of the components to find an optimal time to communicate and seek the solution in the most favourable way for both parties.

In this meeting, communication will be much more effective if it is aimed at expressing and finding out how each person feels than if it is aimed at highlighting what the others do or do not do. The latter usually causes the interlocutor to feel judged and demanded, and at the same time it causes them not to talk about the needs and desires of both parties.

If putting into practice the previous advice, conflicts persist or risk behaviours appear for one or several parts of the family, it may be convenient to consult a professional team that determines where the problem is and accompanies the different members of the family to elaborate and solve the difficulties.

Text by Virginia Tena .

Adult Psychologist at ARA Psychology. Specialist in Eating Disorders and Integrative Relational Transactional Analysis.