We live in a world where it is increasingly common to find people who are anxious about having a partner, as well as people who are anxious about approaching someone or building a relationship. Then, within the relationship, the anxiety continues and episodes of jealousy and insecurity arise .

Why is it happening more and more? What’s the real reason? And above all, what is the real solution?

This problem is increasingly common because we have not learned to build a functional, stable and secure self-esteem , as well as because we have not recovered from painful episodes in the past in relation to the couple that left us with certain ideas, beliefs, attitudes or fears. Let’s see in parts the reason, the solution and how you can start taking the first steps towards your change if this happens to you.

Partner Anxiety

Where does anxiety with a partner (to have a partner or when you have a partner) or fears of having a partner come from?

A relationship is the context in which a human being learns the most . We are social beings and we tend towards relationship, and in this two people share intimacy, beliefs, values and even identities.

This leads to fears, conflicts and a struggle of egos. Each person wants to keep their beliefs, what they think they need and their idea of what is right or wrong .

In a way, a couple is like a mirror. Each member of the couple is like a mirror for the other, where they reflect their virtues but also their fears and insecurities. For this reason, couples often come into conflict once the first phases of the relationship are over.

That’s where the great learning comes from each other. The couple is then like a daily therapy in which people can get to know each other better and feel stronger and more confident .

However, this fear of feeling vulnerable often leads to anxiety within the couple. At the same time, the same anxiety of loneliness (because we think it is a reflex of little value or because we think we are not interesting for others) leads some people to look for a partner frequently, and it is also common that they make comparisons with others .

This anxiety can also arise because we are afraid of having a partner due to past experiences.

Why is all this happening?

These kinds of problems arise because it has been learned that well-being, and therefore self-esteem, depends on external factors such as another person’s behavior. This generates anxiety and insecurity , since it is a well-being that is not in our hands, but outside. The solution is not to “raise” self-esteem, as self-esteem does not really rise or fall (“raising” self-esteem would be equivalent to inflating the ego), but to build a self-esteem that works, where well-being depends, above all, on internal factors.

The solution: emotional independence

Emotional independence is not being a lone wolf or being individualistic. All people are dependent to some extent on others, on context, even on the air we breathe. It is that your well-being, to a great extent, depends on internal factors .

If your actions are independent of others and generate well-being on your own, you will build a life where you know yourself and can share that well-being with others. The anxiety of having a partner will disappear, and so will the fear of having one.

A process of change

However, achieving this is not easy. It is necessary to live a process of deep change where you learn to build and develop your emotional independence so that your self-esteem really works. In Empoderamiento humano, Escuela de desarrollo personal online, you will find a free program to take the first steps entitled “Supératerate”.

Although sometimes people need company and live a complete change process. For this there is “Grow with Affective Independence”, a 3 month process to build a functional self-esteem and thus enjoy both relationships and life without a partner (whatever your case may be).

The important thing is that you know that your well-being already depends fundamentally on you. It’s about making a decision about where you leave that well-being.