I believe that human beings are in a constant search for freedom, peace and inner happiness, whether we are aware of it or not. However, it is not a secret that we usually look outside for the realization of these desires.

Thus, we embark on the incessant search for pleasure and move away from pain , but all this does is cause us more suffering. We become obsessed with success, beauty, money, power, consumption, pleasant experiences, approval and prestige, among many others, which blind us to the reality that these are not lasting things, nor can they make us truly happy.

Clinging to desires results in dissatisfaction

Clinging to these things leaves us, as the Buddhist meditation master Sogyal Rinpoche says, “like people crawling through an endless desert, dying of thirst” because what our modern society offers us to drink, through what it teaches us is important to pursue, and what we also choose to drink, is a glass of salt water that makes our thirst even more intense. We want more and more of those objects, situations, experiences or people to whom we attribute the power to make us happy, and along the way we not only become more thirsty and lost, but we can also seriously harm those around us.

It is enough to think about the excessive ambition of some public figures and political leaders and how this ambition takes away the resources that are destined to generate well-being in the people who have the mission to serve, leaving, in their place, great poverty, hunger, violence and pain. Attachment to desires makes us selfish, only making us think about our own well-being. However, it is not a wise way to achieve it, because clinging to desire never leaves us satisfied, nor is it the way to feel fulfillment.

Another example is unhealthy attachment to a partner. The desire to connect, to love and feel loved, turns with the clinging, into an urge to possess and control the other, as if it were possible to make sure that he never leaves or that his feelings never change. As this does not happen, depositing happiness in a person again leaves the person who does it constantly unsatisfied , because the expectations that he or she deposits in the other person are not realistic.

It is likely that on several occasions we have said or thought that we will be happy when we finally travel, have the house, the car, the achievement or the person we yearn for, only to discover later that, although these things do bring us joy for a while, they do not give us the lasting peace and happiness that we are looking for, and as expected, new desires arise again.

Does this mean we’d be better off if we eliminated desire from our lives?

The two types of wishes

Jack Kornfield, clinical psychologist and meditation teacher explains from the perspective of Buddhist philosophy that there are healthy and unhealthy desires . These arise from a neutral state of mind called the will to do. When the will to do is directed in a healthy way, it causes healthy desires. When it is directed in an unhealthy way, it causes unhealthy desires.

We can wish for something for different reasons. People may want to help others out of compassion and genuine generosity or out of a quest for admiration. They may want to create some technology to destroy or to contribute to development and health. Attachment operates in subtle ways , even in things that seem harmless or good and often in desires there are mixed motivations. We may want to travel because of the desire to know and expand our vision of the world and diversity, or to not get left behind, to show in social networks every detail, or to escape from problems.

Kornfield explains that healthy desire creates happiness, is based on wisdom, kindness and compassion and leads to interest, responsible management, generosity, flexibility, integrity and spiritual growth. Unhealthy desire creates suffering, is based on greed and ignorance, and leads to possession, self-centeredness, fear, greed, compulsion, and dissatisfaction. Inner freedom arises from the ability not to cling to desire. This is different from getting rid of it.

It is about learning to relate wisely to desire . Of not becoming obsessed with the fulfillment of what we want or of stopping enjoying life without these things being present. This implies an open and relaxed attitude towards desires. We can let go and reflect on them calmly and observe what drives them or if we really need to carry them out. If we decide to carry them out, we do so with awareness.

Towards a form of addiction

Buddhist philosophy describes this state as a hungry spirit whose desire is insatiable and therefore suffers greatly, because nothing can satisfy it .

As Mason-John & Groves put it, “in a sense, we can all identify with the hungry ghosts, because we live in a culture where nothing is enough… We want to live in a bigger place, we want to have a better job, more vacations, the latest technological innovation, the latest of everything. Even if we don’t define ourselves as addicts, there are many of us who use acceptable drugs, such as food, social drinks, medication, sex, shopping, friendships, etc., to cope with the emptiness of our lives.

Working with desire and pain

Thus, it is necessary to transform the relationship we have with desire and also with pain, since the inability to be with the inevitable pain of life leads us to take refuge in unhealthy desires that paradoxically end up producing greater suffering. It is important to encourage healthy desires and free ourselves from those that enslave us. For this, we can use full attention to our mental states when desire arises and observe with kindness how we feel when it is present and how we feel when we cling to it. In this way we begin to discern the healthy desires of those who are not. Likewise, we can begin to recognize how we use desires to escape from discomfort and whether it is our habitual way of reacting .

Kornfield, says we must investigate desire and be willing to work with it to regain our innate freedom and balance. Working with desire will depend on whether we tend to suppress it or desire too much. It is a matter of not resisting or clinging to desires when they arise, but of graciously accepting them and observing their natural course without necessarily acting on them.

This practice helps us to relate in a more compassionate and kind way to our inner experience , which in turn helps us to better regulate our emotions and act more consciously. We are realizing that thoughts, as well as desire and painful emotions come and go, are not permanent as we believe in those moments when they arise. We disempower unhealthy desires when we do not act on them, despite their intensity. Then they stop ruling us.

Instead of fleeing from the pain, we face it with compassion and without judgment , allowing it to be and dissolve on its own. We stop identifying with what is happening to us and with our internal experiences. We recognize that crucial moment, in which, by pausing, we can realize that we have a choice and can respond more consciously to the situations that life presents us, without causing us secondary suffering.

Finally, Tara Brach, a clinical psychologist and meditation teacher, mentions that we long to discover our true nature, and that behind our countless desires there is a spiritual longing, but because our desires are often narrowed down to things that are transitory, we feel removed from who we are. By feeling distanced from our own reality, we identify with our desires and the ways to satisfy them , which distances us even more. It is when we cultivate a calm mind, that we can be aware of our deepest desires, listen to them and respond to them. As they say, “Invest in what a shipwreck cannot take away from you.

Bibliographic references:

  • Kornfield, J. (2010). The Wisdom of the Heart. A guide to the universal teachings of Buddhist psychology. Barcelona, Spain: The March Hare.
  • Mason-John, V. & Groves P. (2015). Mindfulness and Addictions. Recovery in eight steps. Spain: Editorial Siglantana.
  • Rinpoche S. (2015). The Tibetan Book of Life and Death. 20th Anniversary Commemorative Edition. Barcelona, Spain: Urano Publishing.
  • Brach, T. (2003). Radical acceptance. Madrid, Spain: Gaia Ediciones.