Much of the literature published today focuses on the difficulty parents have today in dealing with, educating, treating and managing their relationship with their children . Parent-child conflicts and the feeling that parents are “outgrown” due to the bad behaviour of their children seem to be more frequent than in the past.

However, another equally relevant question would be to consider the child’s own perspective and experience of childhood in the present day, which we will analyse below and which may be more complex to handle than might be thought. It is convenient to discard certain myths about childhood in order to understand well the psychology of the little ones.

Social changes that influence child development today

Urra (2007) makes an interesting analysis of the factors that have been modified in today’s society and that may be influencing how children develop psychologically at present.

1. Permission

Today’s society is more permissive than in previous decades , when a more authoritarian structure prevailed (for example, the governmental dictatorships predominant in the West during a large part of the 20th century). On the other hand, the values that seem to be transmitted in recent times, perhaps as a reactionary response to submission to the indicated authority, are related to materialism, individualism, consumerism, hedonism or relativism.

2. Exposure to adult content

A large volume of media content is geared towards violent, sexual programmes, which promote success in terms of purchasing power/economics, competitiveness, etc. To which should be added the amount of time that minors spend in front of the television, Internet , social networks, video games, etc., alone and without the supervision of an adult who can instruct them in the appropriate use of these media.

3. Life today is frenetic

The change in personal lifestyle and rhythm. Parallel to the advance of technologies, the pace of life has accelerated in such a way that a “chronometer” operation has been internalized in which the individual must perform as many activities and tasks throughout the day. There is a concept called “child agenda” proposed by the same author that is used to designate children who combine school attendance with an endless list of extra-curricular activities and obligations.

4. Liberalization of the family model

The family structure has been altered with respect to previous generations. Today we observe single-parent families, heterosexuals, homosexuals, reconstructed families derived from previous divorces, etc. Variety has generated different forms of family organization that have an impact on the type of education received by the progeny.

On the other hand, more “intra-family” than “extra-family” life is now being realized: contact with grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc., has been reduced since parents and children have less time for it and therefore limit family life to members living together.

5. Abandonment of responsibilities

The abandonment of the role of some parents, by which the display of affection or love through gifts and material rewards combined with unlimited permissiveness is confused with the educational role that would theoretically be attributed to the parents (offering time, dedication, dialogue, active listening, support, sharing of experiences, establishment of norms, guidelines and limits, teaching of values, etc.)

6. Questioning educational styles

The existing educational discrepancy between families, being able to differentiate between the application of permissive, authoritarian, negligent, overprotective styles, etc. Furthermore, the differences between families and teachers also seem to be more evident, creating a climate of questioning or distrust of the teacher in the face of possible sanctions applied to the student).

Erroneous beliefs and myths about childhood

Some of the main myths about child psychology that are held today are the following.

1. Psychological essentialism

There is a type of belief shared by some of the parents “overcome” by the bad behaviour of their children concerning the presence of an intrinsic evil in the child that leads him to commit the behaviours of loss of respect, rebellion, defiance and disobedience. Nothing could be further from the truth.Until the stage of youth and the beginning of adulthood (around 24-25 years) the individual does not have a complete development of all the cerebral structures that allow him to exercise a deep reasoning on his own acts or to behave in a mature, ethical, civilized, empathic way; these structures are known as prefrontal cortex.

The child, therefore, does not have that capacity that is attributed to him to embitter his existence in a conscious and premeditated way to the parents, since at these ages the child does not know very well either what is right or appropriate in a given situation; he is learning to do so. Therefore, it seems unfair to think that the child should behave like “a miniature adult”; the child is a child.

2. Learning does not shape personality

Related to the above, it does not seem right either to conclude that the child behaves in a certain unsuitable way because he “has turned out like this” .

It is true (already in late childhood and adolescence) that the last person responsible for the behaviour is the one who performs it and that there is a difference in temperament that discriminates between more serene or more “moved” individuals, but it is no less true that since the child is in constant learning the environment presents a determining role in the modelling of the child’s behaviour .

Thus, the interaction between personal factors (internal or personal) and factors derived from the context (external, such as the type of family and education received) are the causes of the behaviour that children finally externalise. In this sense, the different educational styles (democratic, authoritarian, permissive or negligent) have a determining influence.

3. Affection has its price

Another of the ideas frequently applied by some parents is the fact that it is possible to generate the feeling of affection of the children towards them through material rewards , as mentioned above. Contrary to what it may seem, children are equally happy with half or a quarter of the money that parents invest under the pretext of making them happy.

Research and analysis of a large number of interviews and testimonies conducted in the last decade indicate that children value the time and attention their parents give them in their daily lives far more than the concrete material rewards .

Active listening, dialogue, joint decision making, shared activities, an empathetic and understanding attitude towards the difficulties that may arise on both sides, etc., are aspects that count to a much higher degree than the fact of making the latest model of console available on the market.

Conclusion

The preceding lines are intended as a set of reflections that, in certain cases, may help parents to understand in a deeper way the reasons why their child’s behaviour is not as expected . By analysing the erroneous beliefs indicated, daily conflict situations can be solved in alternative ways, in which the application of empathic capacity can be of vital importance.

Bibliographic references:

  • Urra, J. (2007). The little dictator. The Book Sphere: Madrid.