New technologies have come to stay , and they allow us to interact with each other in ways never before imagined. We are, for better or worse, constantly connected. And we communicate constantly.

But despite this we are in an increasingly individualistic and self-centred culture. Thus, many people use communication methods and social networks to satisfy their ego needs, sometimes generating toxic relationships in order to feel wanted and maintain high self-esteem. An example is what happens in benching , a concept we talk about in this article.

What is benching?

Benching is understood as a situation in which a person maintains a certain contact with another person, generally communicating with him/her in a brief and superficial way, with the only purpose of maintaining his/her interest in the person but without trying to obtain friendship or anything concrete beyond benefiting from him/her.

We are dealing with a type of toxic relationship based on manipulation in which one subject uses another as if he were a substitute, leaving him on the “bench” in case nothing better comes out. This is not really valued, but it is intended with the maintenance of contact that the person who performs this practice is not forgotten.

Thus, we are not dealing with a disappearance as in ghosting or slow fading, but with a contact maintained in which the person who is waiting does not finish seeing the interaction with the other disappear and remains waiting, maintaining a certain level of hope of having a significant friendship or bond, which leads him/her to be attentive to the benching practitioner.

The mechanism of action is similar to what happens in addictions: the interaction with the person generates in the benching victim a feeling of well-being, which will decrease and tend to disappear with the lack of contact. However, the arrival of new communications, however banal and lacking in content, once again awakens the desire for affection and authentic emotional ties . The person in question makes some comment or interaction with the purpose of feeding this desire: it is very common, for example, for him to praise the other person) and to make the other person remain attentive. In many cases, this is achieved over a long period of time.

In what contexts does it happen?

Benching is especially visible in the context of relationships , being nowadays very visible in dating applications or even through WhattsApp. But as with ghosting, this is not really new: it is possible to do the same thing over the phone or even face to face.

But the couple is not the only context in which similar attitudes can appear: we can find them also present in friendship relationships being one part used by the other only as a wild card, without really valuing the person itself.

Causes of this phenomenon

Why does benching happen? Several authors propose that part of its causes are due to the society we are in, where there is an increasing individuality and self-centeredness and superficial contacts to which we give little or no value. The other is often used as an object or something from which we can benefit, or with which we can be satisfied if nothing else comes our way.

On a personal level, those who do this practice tend to have a high level of narcissism and enjoy having other people’s attention . It is common for them to be people with a certain level of egocentrism and sometimes narcissism. It is not necessary for them to have something with another person: what moves the person carrying out the benching in these cases is the fact of feeling wanted. On the other hand, it can also be used by people with low self-esteem who depend on the approval of others to feel good.

It is also frequent that there is no empathy with the other person and what they may be feeling, or that there is fear of being left alone and they resort to maintaining this type of relationship in case they do not find anything else. Another option could be found in the existence of multiple relationships of the same type at the same time, in case the favourite subject with whom they really want to communicate does not respond. Finally, although much less common, it is possible that some people may do so involuntarily and may try to show more appropriate behavior.

Consequences on the affected person

Not with or without you. This is probably the phrase that best describes what happens in benching to the person who has it. On the one hand, the person you are interested in is communicating, not being able to forget it. On the other hand, he or she is being largely ignored and we may or may not be aware of the other’s lack of interest in us .

The consequence of this is the emergence of a certain confusion, uncertainty and a progressive disillusionment. It is not unusual for self-esteem to decrease (after all, the other person does not consider us so important) and for the feeling of being used or of being a consolation prize to arise. On the other hand, relationships of dependence that generate a high level of suffering are also favoured, as well as the emergence of subsequent relational difficulties.

What to do if we are the affected party?

Knowing what to do in this situation can be complicated. The first step is to accept and assume that if the prolonged contact follows the same pattern of behavior, whatever the reason, we are suffering from benching. In this case the most advisable thing to do is to cut off contact with that person , since the other person will not be willing to do so.

It would not be uncommon that after stopping sending messages the subject that was doing the benching starts showing a much greater interest, product of the need to be admired by the subject. Usually the only thing you look for is to keep the other one hooked, something to avoid. Before cutting off the relationship, it is recommended to talk about the facts (if the other is not aware, he or she could make attempts to change, although this is generally done in a totally voluntary manner) and to state them clearly, as well as to communicate the end of the relationship clearly.