Living as a couple is an experience that can be extremely rewarding. However, love and relationships are also complex, and it is likely that on more than one occasion things will not work out and the relationship will eventually come to an end.

The end of a relationship is something that usually generates great pain and sadness, to the point that often people indicate having depression due to the break-up . But, although the experience is obviously not (usually) rewarding and similar symptoms are common… is there really a break-up depression? Why is it usually considered as such? Can depression arise from this? How can we try to combat it? Let’s look at it throughout this article.

Major depression

Before assessing the possible emotional reactions that can arise after a love break-up, we should first comment on what we are talking about when we refer to a depression. This is necessary, given that often normative reactions or even moods in which sadness abounds but which do not meet the criteria to become a real depression are taken for depressions.

It is called major depression , one of the most frequent and prevalent mental disorders worldwide , which is characterized by the presence of a sad mood and/or the lack of ability to perceive gratification or pleasure, even from those activities that previously excited us.

In addition to these symptoms, there is usually a strong sense of hopelessness about the future, feelings of guilt and worthlessness (which may even be of a delusional nature), extreme passivity, a tendency to isolation, sleep problems, loss of appetite and weight, loss of energy and fatigue, physical and mental sluggishness, concentration problems, psychomotor agitation and thoughts of death and suicide.

These symptoms, and especially the first two, are present for most of the day of almost every day for at least two weeks and cannot be due to substance use or other disturbances such as the presence of psychotic problems.

Some of these symptoms may arise in response to specific situations, namely sadness, concentration problems or weight loss, appetite and sleep. But as a rule they are not considered part of a major depression unless they exceed the normal reaction to the loss , in this case the cessation of the relationship.

Break-up depression

There is no doubt that a break-up is an experience that can be painful and even traumatic depending on the circumstances surrounding it. Especially if they do not agree with each other and one of them wants to continue the relationship . And although the situation is usually very painful for the person left, it can also be difficult for the one who leaves. In most cases it generates a great deal of sadness, suffering and doubt, as well as a loss of desire to do things and an increased tendency to isolate oneself.

However, it should be noted that there is no “breakthrough depression” as a diagnostic label . In fact, although there are depressions that are reactive to certain events and a sentimental break-up can become a trigger for a major depression, in most cases what we experience is a grieving process.

In other words, we are mostly dealing with something normal and not pathological , since we have just suffered a loss of something that we had counted on until now and that was in principle important for us. And this mourning may require a long process to reach acceptance of this rupture, in which we may go through different phases.

In this sense, it is common that after the breakup we go through a stage of denial of the new situation first, in which we do not experience any emotional reaction to the breakup because we have not yet processed it as something real .

Later, a phase of anger may arise out of frustration, in which anger and guilt may appear towards oneself or towards the other person, or it may even be directed towards the rest of the world even though it has nothing to do with the situation.

There may be a phase of negotiation, of seeking alternatives at the mental level, of thinking about what could have changed the situation so that the break-up did not occur, or even of attempts to get the person back.

This is followed by the depressive phase, which is usually considered by people as “break-up depression”: in this phase we may experience sadness, lack of desire to do things, fatigue and apathy, ruminative thoughts about the other person, sleep problems or lack of appetite.

Finally, the last phase would be that of acceptance : in it we gradually process and accept that we will have to live our life without the other person being in it as a couple. With time, the pain of the break-up subsides and with this, the energies are recovered and the mourning is overcome.

It is advisable to let some time go by before meeting again with our ex-partner , so that we can separate what this person means to us (if the break-up was positive, it is possible to maintain a certain relationship and even become friends again, although it is recommended that this is not attempted until much later) from what it once was.

When does this disorder appear?

Although, as we have said in most cases, we are facing a normative process of mourning, typical of the loss of the type of relationship we had with that person, the truth is that there are occasions in which we can go on to develop a real depression . This happens when the mourning process does not end, so that the person suffering from it does not manage to reach the stage of acceptance and overcome his or her discomfort.

Specifically, we would be talking about a reactive or situational depression, or of an adaptive disorder with depressive characteristics (although it can also present with anxiety or in a mixed way), in which depressive and/or anxious symptoms derived from a specific experience that we are not able to overcome and without which the problem would not exist.

This alteration generates a great dysfunctionality in different areas. In fact, the picture could end up becoming a major depression, becoming a trigger for it.

Although determining an approximate date for overcoming a grief is somewhat artificial (we each have our own pace for getting through things), we may suspect the existence of depression caused by the break-up when after this event our mood is sad most of the day on most days, we suffer severe sleep disturbances (insomnia or excessive sleepiness), slowed speech and thinking, low self-esteem, and hopelessness about the future.

Also common is the presence of cognitive distortions that perpetuate the discomfort and that include an aversive view of oneself, the world and the future, feelings of uselessness, inability to make decisions or exercise daily activities, avoidance of the discomfort and pain generated by the break-up (sometimes with extreme or compulsive behaviours, such as compulsive search for sexual relations or drug use), extreme isolation and/or thoughts of death and suicide, among others.

Although many of these alterations also occur during grief, it will be in depression when they are most extreme, intense and accentuated. Moreover, in depression these symptoms do not subside with time but remain, or even intensify as time goes by.

What to do? Guidelines for Overcoming Sadness

Overcoming the pain of the rupture has its process and we must respect it, but in this development we can incorporate different types of strategies to prevent psychological pain from becoming chronic or grief from becoming more serious and even a depression.

Try to practice pleasant activities

When we are depressed or even during periods of mourning, it is normal that the desire to do things may be reduced. However, even if it is hard for us, we should force ourselves to look for rewards and things that motivate us . If necessary, something apparently as simple as taking a walk looking for a single stimulus or positive element to remember.

We can also try to explore and discover new activities and places. Just because the other person is not in our life doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it.

Lean on your own and avoid isolating yourself

Another common element when we are sad or depressed is the tendency to isolate ourselves or to want to be alone. The truth is that this can be quite harmful, since perpetuates the feeling of abandonment and loneliness and makes it difficult to overcome the break-up. It is much more advisable to allow oneself to be supported by those around us. It is also important to be able to let off steam and express our feelings, doubts and fears (now, without doing so constantly or otherwise it can generate rejection).

Eat and Sleep

Lack of sleep and sufficient nutrients makes recovery much more difficult, both in break-up depression and in any other psychological mood disorder.

Even if we have no appetite we must try to force ourselves to eat in a healthy and balanced way. As far as sleeping is concerned, it is advisable to try to plan the moments of sleep and prepare a scenario that allows us to relax. It is also advisable to practice relaxation techniques

Evaluate your thoughts, beliefs and demands

When a relationship breaks up, different types of beliefs and thoughts can arise. It is advisable to try to review them in an objective way, without valuing them and without judging them. It is also useful to consider whether there is any alternative interpretation .

Aspects such as what having a partner implies, what we demand from others and from ourselves (sometimes we have excessive and unrealistic demands or self-demands) and what self-image we have are elements to be analyzed.

Don’t Avoid Pain

A common mistake most of us make in these situations is to try to avoid the pain we feel, often actively.

While distraction may be useful at certain times, it is actually much more efficient to allow oneself to feel the pain and discomfort in such a way that the situation can be processed both cognitively and emotionally . On the other hand, it is not a matter of rejoicing and congratulating oneself in the pain (something that would also be harmful), but of allowing oneself to feel the suffering and not denying it.

Do sport

Sport is a very healthy practice, which has also been found to be useful in helping to combat mood symptoms. A useful strategy would be to try to increase the level of exercise we do, something that in the long run generates an increase in endorphins that can help us get out of our discomfort.

Get professional help

Although generally a grief does not need treatment at a professional level, if it becomes chronic and especially if it turns into a depression it may be necessary to ask for help from a specialist in psychotherapy .

It may be beneficial to follow up some kind of therapy or psychological treatment in which aspects such as self-esteem, the practice of pleasant activities or the modification of cognitive biases and dysfunctional beliefs, among others, are worked on. Sometimes it may also be necessary for a psychiatrist to prescribe some type of antidepressant or anxiolytic, although more as a support in the process and not as the only treatment itself.

  • You may be interested in: “How to find a psychologist for therapy: 7 tips”

Bibliographic references:

  • Martell, C. et al.(2010). Behavioral activation for depression. The Guilford Press.
  • Weissman, M., Markowitz, J. and Klerman, G. (2000). Comprehensive Guide to Interpersonal Psychotherapy. Basic Books.