It is very frequent, both in our daily life and in the professional environment of a psychologist, that we know of cases of couples who have been unfaithful. In these situations the question usually arises… is it preferable to cut the relationship or can it continue?

In this article we will examine the question of whether it is possible to resume the relationship after an infidelity , with all that this entails, or whether it is better to end this relationship.

The importance of shared values

It is important to emphasize that the situation and the suffering that can be generated will depend to a great extent on the values that sustain a relationship. If in the couple’s values the break-up of monogamy is not seen as a betrayal, obviously, the suffering is much less or non-existent.

It is also important to know what kind of infidelity we are talking about (sexual, more emotional, digital…) and how it is perceived by both members of the couple.

It is equally important to assess why the infidelity has occurred; especially, if it has happened because of a basic problem in the relationship that needs to be solved , such as the partner’s routine or a pattern of behavior based on lack of impulse control, among other causes.

Couples therapy intervention

The psychologist will help to find out why the infidelity has occurred, but it is not a question of finding “culprits” but of finding possible deficiencies in the relationship or specific behaviors that are subject to improvement.

Well, it is a complex and personal issue but one in which the psychologist can help . How can he or she do it? Why is professional help convenient in these situations?

It is a complex issue that can generate great suffering on both sides. Obviously the person who has been unfaithful feels bad, but also the person who has been unfaithful often has to deal with feelings of guilt, frustration…

The person who has been unfaithful may feel lost, not knowing whether to forgive, whether to cut the relationship off, whether to take revenge, whether to be angry or sad… The person who has been unfaithful does not know how to act, whether to talk about it, whether to keep quiet , whether to be more affectionate, whether to act normally… and this, in turn, generates a tension in the relationship that makes it very difficult to live together and that can wear her down until the break-up.

Can the love affair be resumed?

It is true that if both have gone to therapy together and wish to continue with their relationship (we find situations where only one party goes to therapy), that will be what is sought in the first instance, but if the relationship does not allow them to be happy ,which is more often the case if in addition to infidelity there are other insurmountable shortcomings, tools will be given so that the person can detect it and be able to continue on his own.

We have to take into account that it will always be the person who comes to consultation who makes the decisions . The psychologist cannot tell you if you should continue the relationship or not, but he can give you tools to work on the expression of feelings, to work on forgiveness, guilt, self-esteem, trust… and that the relationship can continue if you both decide to do so, working so that this infidelity does not mean the end of the break-up if it is not what you want and working so that this infidelity does not mean a trauma that has repercussions on the present and future of the person.

Located in Valencia is the center of psychology Mariva Psychologists, specializing in couples therapy and, specifically, in the work of problems due to infidelity. In this centre both the emotions and the behaviour of both parties are worked on , as well as couple communication and deciding whether to work on forgiveness, whether to work on anger and rage, whether to work on trust etc.

In short, we work so that the couple and each part of it (i.e. both people) are well at the emotional level. For this purpose, strategies are developed to accompany them in their decisions, giving them the tools to achieve their objectives, that the couple’s relationship solves their problems or that, separately, they manage to feel good. To access the contact details of the Mariva Psychologists team, click here.

Author: Lda. Marta Marín