Why do we fail so much in choosing a partner? Why do we perpetuate relationships that make us unhappy?

There is the possibility of making love a conscious choice, a decision made not only from the emotion and impulsiveness that are the fruit of falling in love, but also from rationality and lucidity (all the lucidity one can have in a brain flooded with oxytocin).

The problem is not that love is predestined to failure: it is not. But knowing how to choose a partner is not always easy.

Wrong love choices

The problem comes when we rush to choose a partner, either because we don’t want or know how to be alone and throw ourselves into the arms of the first partner who gives us attention, or because we don’t love ourselves and need another partner to make up for our lack of self-esteem with his care and affection, or because we are blinded by certain characteristics of the other partner that prevent us from seeing the whole of his personality.

Looking for a protective figure

If we relate to each other from a fault, it is likely that we will look for a substitute for our parent , a nurse, a psychologist or someone who fulfils all these roles at the same time.

This will cause the relationship to quickly become unbalanced, our demands will grow and we will never see our needs met, the other person will become exhausted and the relationship will eventually lead to unhappiness, hatred or break-up.

Therefore, the main step that we always forget is to learn to be alone with ourselves.

Being complete people, dealing with our deficiencies, establishing clear life goals , managing our emotions, tolerating frustration and fear of failure, taking care of ourselves and loving ourselves as the unique and unrepeatable people we are… all these factors will allow our emotional life to be healthier and more beneficial for everyone.

Mini-guide on choosing a partner

Once we have done that task of introspection and personal work we will be (relatively) ready to start a love relationship.

What filters can we use when choosing the person to start a relationship with?

1. Remembering our failed relationships

It is necessary to avoid being presented with the “ex” in another person’s body, since we tend to always choose the same type of partner, and therefore to recreate pathological relationship patterns and end up in conflict always for the same reasons.

Identify what went wrong in your previous relationships and what characteristics the new partner (and you) must have in order not to end up as badly off.

2. Find common ground

Observe and identify the values, beliefs and life expectations of the other person and assess whether objectively they match your own.

If, for example, you don’t want to have children and you enter into a relationship with a woman who is willing to be a mother, sooner or later a great conflict will be generated that will lead either to the end of the relationship or to the renunciation of one of the members of the relationship to her life plan, which will generate anger, rage, frustration and dissatisfaction.

3. Examining the conversation

One of the most enriching experiences of being in a couple is opening up to the other person and being able to share emotions, concerns and feelings through words.

When there is no fluid conversation, boredom and dissatisfaction are likely to set in quickly.

4. Notice the sense of humor

Life is too short to decide to spend it with someone who doesn’t make you laugh. It is therefore important that you and your partner share a sense of humor and are able to have fun together.

5. Same level of commitment in the relationship

Whether it is a monogamous or polygamous relationship, the important thing is that both members agree on the degree of exclusivity through which they want to build their relationship.

Even following these guidelines can the relationship “fail”?

Of course. Above all we have to free ourselves from the idea of the couple as something eternal, of the “forever”, since within the uncertainty that a relationship entails, anything can happen.

It is therefore important to continue building our lives beyond the couple, making it an important part of our lives, but not a whole, eliminating from our vocabulary phrases such as “you are my life”, “I can not live without you”, “always yours” more appropriate to emotional and affective dependence than love.