Christmas, especially New Year’s Eve, is in principle a time of joy, expression of affection and reconciliation. For decades this has been the idea of Christmas that we have been creating among all of us in a large part of the Western countries whose roots are linked to Christianity, and the truth is that, believers or not, there are many people who appreciate these dates precisely because of the values that they represent .

However, there are some people who have difficulty experiencing these days while maintaining a good mood. Many of these cases are due to empty chair syndrome .

What is empty chair syndrome?

The empty chair syndrome is the feeling of loss generated by what is perceived as a significant absence , something that also takes on a special intensity in an environment that is supposed to be joyful and festive, like a dinner party. That is why this concept is linked to the idea of psychological grief.

A noticeable absence from the table can trigger a psychological grieving process even if the missing person has not died. This is because, in the empty chair syndrome, the key word is not “death” but “loneliness”.

The empty chair is a silent testimony that there is an emptiness at the table that makes us a little more isolated from the rest of the people than before. To the feelings of sadness, discomfort (and, occasionally, guilt) that this causes, we can add those caused by the death of the person who does not sit down to eat with us, but this factor may not always be present and therefore does not condition the appearance or not of the empty chair syndrome.

That is why, when we talk about this type of grief, we must bear in mind that the most frequent feelings are those associated with isolation and loneliness.

What role does Christmas play in this?

Christmas can become an important factor in the appearance of empty chair syndrome, since at this time of year, informal ties of attachment between people with a strong relationship with each other (even those who are not usually in contact) become very important. On New Year’s Eve, specifically, emphasis is placed on the appreciation of the moments shared by people who love or feel affection for each other.

This, which in principle is a good thing, may have the counterpart of accentuating absences during this period. Furthermore, the contrast that can be seen between the absence of significant people and the typical Christmas scene in which all the families gather completely can generate a sensation of “abnormality” and misfortune whose triggers cannot be fully explained, or else they place the origin of the absence in events of which we feel guilty.

Recommendations for combating empty chair syndrome

The truth is that there is no definitive and universal recipe for dealing with the empty chair syndrome, as each person’s grieving process is unique.

However, there are some general recommendations to combat moods that generate strong discomfort and that usually work in a large number of cases. Here are some of these essential indications for managing this type of grief.

  • Do not isolate yourself or remain silent all the time : interact with the other people sharing the table and make contributions to the conversation, even if this is not desirable.
  • Re-interpret the way of perceiving the physical space previously occupied at the table by absent people, so that an empty chair is not synonymous with loss and sadness. This is one of the best ways to build resilience.
  • The empty chair syndrome has a strong symbolic component , the most common being the empty chair itself. This is why it is possible to turn the situation around by using alternative symbolic forms to remember the absent loved one in a way that does not generate pain and sadness that is difficult to manage.
  • Avoid the use of substances to abstract memories that generate sadness and discomfort , and use drugs only to the extent that a doctor prescribes them. This point is of utmost importance so that grief becomes chronic and does not turn into serious problems in many aspects of life.
  • If necessary, go for psychological therapy to identify specific needs and facilitate the steps described above.

A Final Reflection

It is important to keep in mind, moreover, that while Christmas is a time of affection, love and camaraderie, it need not be limited to family. Many of the absences on New Year’s Eve are irremediable, but it is also practically impossible that throughout our lives we do not come across people with whom it is possible to feel a strong attachment and fraternal friendship . The empty chair syndrome can be very difficult to overcome if we understand that the only valid presences are those of a group that can lose members over time, but not gain them.

That’s why it’s worth rethinking the traditional New Year’s Eve dinner scheme as something where only blood ties matter, a model where absences weigh much more if there is no generational change and where, therefore, whether there are more or fewer people at the table depends on the number of couples and births.

Managing grief and loss at Christmas is also about reflecting on the kind of attachment we need to appreciate at this time. And that which is created spontaneously, even well into adulthood, is very valid. Both to enjoy it and to rethink what our concept of loneliness is.