When we start a love relationship, fears and doubts usually arise. Many times, we come from past relationships that have left us a little touched. Perhaps we have been cheated on, or we have simply stopped loving the other person and the relationship has come to an end.

All this is common and should not worry us too much. But what happens when we have a partner and are constantly anxious, to the point where our perception of things is altered? Why does that happen? In this article we will talk about cognitive distortions in couple relationships .

Beck’s cognitive distortions

Aaron Beck was a researcher who put a lot of emphasis on the way we think and process information , especially in depression. He talked about cognitive distortions, that is, systematic biases in information processing after loss or deprivation events. Thus, these events are overvalued as global, frequent and irreversible.

Cognitive distortions produce emotional disturbance , and therefore Beck gave them a fundamental role in the origin and maintenance of depression. In addition, he defended the idea that information processing is guided by cognitive patterns. These schemes guide the perception, coding, storage and retrieval of information, i.e. they act as cognitive filters.

Cognitive distortions appear in many other clinical pictures, such as anxiety disorders, other mood disorders and personality disorders. However, they also appear -and very frequently- in the non-clinical population (without diagnosable disorders), as we will see below.

Cognitive Distortions in Relationships

When we start a relationship or have been in it for a long time, cognitive distortions can appear. These alter the way we live the relationship , relate to the other person, and can end up damaging the relationship.

Thus, cognitive distortions in relationships are often unconscious and we do not know that they are there guiding our interpretation of things. They affect the way we see ourselves as part of the couple, and damage our self-esteem and self-concept .

Cognitive distortions contain wrong information, and we must be careful with them. Cultural heritage and education have an important weight in their genesis within love relationships, as these two elements have largely guided our perception of life.

Some of the most common cognitive distortions in relationships are the following.

“Without you I am nothing”

It consists of thinking that if the couple leaves us we will sink , because it is an indispensable part of our life. This is a categorical and deterministic thought, which makes us live the relationship with anxiety and with a tremendous fear of losing our partner.

In Beck’s terminology, this is a magnification, and consists of evaluating a situation by increasing its magnitude or significance.

It is a thought that increases dependence on the partner and is totally false. If before we met this person we could live perfectly and be happy, why is it different now?

“My partner must do everything for me”

To believe that the other person is a magical being who has come to save us from something , or to remedy our nonsense, is an absurd and very common thought. Having it increases frustration and makes us become demanding and dependent on the person we love.

The couple doesn’t have to be a servant or maid for us. A healthy relationship is a balanced relationship where both parties contribute. The other will not always satisfy our desires, and we should not expect that either.

We must be careful with the “musts”, as they often contain unmet needs that we try to cover in any way.

“If he’s jealous it’s because he loves me”

Jealousy is a very dangerous weapon in relationships. This statement is based on a cognitive distortion that leads us to live the jealousy of the other as something good and logical within the relationship, even as something necessary, as a sign of love.

Precisely jealousy denotes the opposite, that is, insecurities , fear of losing the other person and low self-esteem. A functional relationship will always be based on trust, respect and freedom.

This is an arbitrary inference, i.e. to reach a conclusion without evidence to support it or with evidence to the contrary. In this case, we attribute jealousy to something good, when it is precisely the opposite.

Treatment: cognitive restructuring techniques

Cognitive restructuring is a form of psychotherapeutic intervention employed by Aaron Beck , among others, that aims to make dysfunctional beliefs functional and modify cognitive distortions. Some of his techniques are the following.

  • Daily automatic thought register : allows the patient to become aware of his dysfunctional thoughts. Used in the first sessions.
  • Three-column technique: allows to identify distortions and modify cognitions.
  • Reality test : experiments for the patient to describe and analyse reality more adequately.
  • Re-attribution: allows the analysis of the causes that may have contributed to a specific event in order to decrease the guilt.

Bibliographic references:

  • Horse (2002). Manual for the cognitive-behavioral treatment of psychological disorders. Vol. 1. Madrid. Siglo XXI.
  • Belloch, A.; Sandín, B. and Ramos, F. (2010). Manual of Psychopathology. Volume II. Madrid: McGraw-Hill.